too little, too late

[lost18]

Thanks T, always like when someone checks on me. Thought today I would lay it out a little different.

Things that are positive
1. I have been looking at my part of the failure in my M, have been working on what I can with regards to that. (house work, yard work, etc) I also recognize I have a long way to go.
2. Have been exercising more.
3. Even tho I still need to do more, I have been GALing. Spending time with friends etc.
4. Have bought some new clothes
5. New haircut and highlights
6. Finally bought a new couch
7. Spending more time with my daughters
8. I have done a pretty good job following Sandi's rules (some of that is easy for me since he is working overseas)
9. I have been seeing an IC and working on myself.
10.Although I am working on my issues that caused my M to fail, I also realize that is not ALL MY FAULT.
11. Was able to do a 180 and made a decision on carpet for D12s room, already purchased, just need to wait on delivery to schedule install.
12. Have stopped obsessing (most of the time) about possible OW.


Things to work on
1. Detaching, better but still a long way to go.
2. Analyzing every interaction I have with H. Probably goes along with detaching.
3. Spending less time on the computer.
4. Making a to do list, and actually doing it.
5. Focusing more on getting things done around the house, would help if I spent less time on the computer.
6. Eating healthy, have not lost any weight.
7. Better sleep schedule.
8. Work on resume and get a job! BIG ONE after vacation!
9. Not focusing on the what if's and should haves
10. MONEY MANAGEMENT!

Things that may be positives in R
1. After stating he wanted a D and the "ILYBNILWY" he has not taken any action to move toward D.
2. Has not brought up telling the kids although school has been out for a month.
3. Although he has only initiated contact a couple times, when I ask him to call he always responds.
4. We have had conversations that have nothing to do with "business"
5. He has kept the conversation going a couple of times.
6. He is going on vacation with us.
7. He has bought things for the family.
8. It was his idea to replace the carpet in D12s room.
9. He has told me about an issue he is having and how that may affect the future.

Things that are not positive in R
1. We will go days without any contact.
2. Most contact is initiated by me.
3. He did not respond to text when I wished him Happy Fathers Day, or birthday.
4. There has been no R discussion.
5. He changed his facebook status to single.
6. He has not been online (skype) at all since BD.
7. He is very stubborn.

Interesting that I have listed more positives than negatives. Especially since I haven't been feeling very positive lately. It doesn't even matter that some of the positives are just little things. Baby steps right!

[lost18]

It's been about 10 days since I've talked to H. We have had 2 very brief text exchanges, about 4 texts each, both regarding items being delivered or shipped to our vacay spot.....

Keeping busy getting ready for our trip.

Speak of the devil, just got a text asking when we leave for our trip.

This continues to be so difficult.

[lost18]

hmmmm....feel every time he initiates contact it is to asks me to do something. Is that a good or bad thing? or does it matter?

[lost18]

So H's text to me on Friday was regarding a boat he is looking at purchasing in vacay spot. He asked if MY DAD would go look at it for him. I let him know that he's been busy working on his house but that I would ask. I did not ask any details about the cost or anything else. He gave me the number and told me a little bit about the boat. I said I would call my dad and that was it.

Sunday I texted H to let him know my dad looked at the boat but I couldn't really talk because I was at D12s game. (then I responded to his text when he texted back!) I told him he could call my dad for details. Exchanged a few texts about it and that was it. He texted me this morning to let me know that he talked to my dad and he was transferring $$ to our bank account up there and and my dad was going to call me with the outcome. I, for the first time, did not respond to his text. My dad called me this afternoon and he has delivered the boat to our place there. I will probably text H tomorrow and let him know and make sure he transferred the $$ because my dad wrote a check.

So now I'm going to vent a little. A month ago he was concerned with me spending $$ to go see S19 graduate bootcamp, said I should reconsider, maybe not bring the girls. He's since spent probably around 2k on tools, clothes and toys for him while on vacation and now bought a boat (a good deal, and not a ton of $$ but not the point). I'm very frustrated, although I have not let him know that!! Seriously, we have a boat here that has not been in the water for 2-3 years and now needs work but he's going to buy a boat there...he'll be there for 10 days! Grrr! I'm hoping to get over my frustration before I see him...I'm sure I will because that is 2 weeks away.

Also, not that I think it's right to feel this way, but the fact that MY DAD is doing the leg work considering what's going on with us irritates me too. Of course my dad has no idea, and he really likes H. So...maybe it's a little crazy to be irritated by that but I'm allowed to feel the way I feel.

Now, if we weren't in this situation I would love to have a boat up there, but I'm not sure I'll even get to enjoy it. I haven't voiced any of my frustrations to him of course. My sister said I should act excited about the boat and ask when we are going for a ride! Is that acting as if?

I will say, not questioning it at all is a definite 180 for me.

I could really use some encouragement and some input on how to interact with H while on vacation.

[bashy]

Hi Lost, I've been having an issue similar to yours regarding WAW. She really only contacts when she needs help with something.... and I always oblige! Perhaps we should not be obliging but then that goes against the 'being a friend' advice. Can the vets can help with this?!?!

As for the boat. Perhaps now is the time to step back. Initiate no contact. If he texts then do not respond. If he persists tell him you are busy and he'll need to do it himself (in a non-confrontational manner :-))

[lost18]

Stressing out. H has decided to add daughters to FB. Weird. I don't have time to write much but am concerned I may get questions if they decide to look at his page and see that his relationship status is single!


Did respond to his text about the boat. Feeling really crazy today. Too much mind reading. I have a knot in my stomach I haven't had in weeks. Detach, detach, detach.

[bashy]

My thoughts are with you lost. Keep being strong!

[lost18]

Thanks Bashy! I don't get many replies on my thread so appreciate your support. Don't think I've checked on your thread in awhile either tho, I'll have to catch up.

We did banter back and forth about the boat, a few hahaha messages, overall the conversation was good...I think! I really, really, really need to stop mind reading and over analyzing every interaction we have. I have a little more than 2 weeks before we physically see each other again. Am working very hard on detaching and PMA. Will be busy with my family and friends and will make a point to GAL!

Still a little stressed about the FB thing but will deal with questions IF I get any! I'm sure I'm over-thinking this as well....just part of being in this situation, everything is a big deal even when it isn't!

[bashy]

It's hard not to over think. I'm at it every day. Mind reading as well lol. I suppose if I stood back for a second I'd realise what I'm doing right and wrong but I suppose that is the hard part. I think you are doing well but believe you need to continue to keep yourself busy to help stop the over thinking side of things.

[Ben2010]

Maybe you should try something simple when you talk to him or you go on vacation. Just set 3 goals for yourself. Like for instance when I went on a date with the W this weekend, I set 3 goals. The most important things to you on the date or whatever youre doing. Mine were 1)Have a good time 2)She has a good time 3) End it on a positive note. I ended up doing all of those on the date. For you it might be a day to day thing on vacation. Maybe you make it something new everyday or more challenging. Just come up with a list of things that you would like to do and break it down to the most important things.