Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6

[25yearsmlc]

MLC or what??

Just to post 2 DB examples of this situation, in which a spouse hammers the MLC label to death...

I think this is a good discussion b/c it's not all semantics. I do apologize if we are hijacking too much on this topic, but see what you think.

Here goes, the 2 examples of past DBers arguing about their WAS/MLC spouses...

MLC versus .......Anything else...


There was an LBH here, who did not call himself physically abusive but said he "only shoved her a few times", later admitted he did "tend to intimidate" his wife "only so that [he] can make a point"..AND he "liked to argue and debate a point and w did not enjoy conflict like [he] did"....

That LBH called his wife's "sudden decision" to leave, a " Classic MLC" .
He posted a lot about how "crazy" she'd act, how 'insecure" she could be, and how "nutty & rebellious" etc....but when we probed into his behaviors and hers, most of us saw it differently.

We saw it as a pattern of him bullying, and her finally snapping.

The longer he played the MLC card, the longer it would take for him to get into an anger management course, to get some real therapy b/c HE needed help. (So did she, but in a different way).

He blasted her for leaving the family home, saying it was "Insane" to do after all the remodeling and him[i] "giving her everything".[/i]...

but to us reading HIS posts, nothing seemed insane about her leaving.

IMO, that was a case of a man desperate to call attention away from his own behavior, away from his anger and mistakes, and place it all on her for having some "crazy MLC".

For me that was a gross misuse of the term MLC, but a "classic example" of why someone would intentionally keep using it.

Another example of the counter productive harping on MLC, was from a wife who was basically in a SSM (by her choice ).

She called her h's "abandoning the marriage" a mid life crisis. She said it "came out of nowhere" and because they had vacationed together and had a wonderful time with their family, she asked: "how could he say he was lonely? How could he claim to love [me] and then leave?"

But she admitted sex was "way more important" to her h, and "just not that important to" her...So, they had sex annually for a few years. That's what SHE was comfortable with. Never mind his unmet needs, for years...

Upon our questions, she admitted he had "complained" about the lack of sex in their marriage. But she claimed he never told her how important it was, he'd make overtures and she'd reject him if SHE was not in the mood.

(According to her, she was "in the mood" once or twice a year d.)

Seems to me, all those nights of rejection wore on her h and she never saw that and it seemed she did not want to see it.

Then he told her he wanted to "find passion" in his remaining years, to which she said "Not at our age"... So he left her to go find it.,

Is that an MLC -- or just a very lonely man w/an empty love tank? Was the LBW really wanting to explore her role in the divorce, or did she just want to label her h as a "selfish MLCer"?

I know she felt shame. Sometimes shame is so powerful that it keeps us from looking at ourselves with a clear eye...b/c we fear that deep down we might be the ugly monsters our spouse (or parent) said we were.

And then the tragedy in these situations is compounded. That tragedy is to have all this pain and turmoil, and NOT grow from it. The "successful" DBers have not all reconciled. But we have all grown and become better people (better parents too), because of this inward journey WE make, regardless of our spouses.

Matt, when you have done the deep digging needed to change YOU,
when you have started the inward journey of personal growth & reflection,

then you can turn the rest over to God, and from this day forward, go in peace and hold your head high.

You will have done and become, your best. The rest is in God's hands.