Grey, My thought is that she finally opened up to you and started telling you what was in her heart. This was the perfect opportunity to listen, and validate, to hear FROM HER all of the answers to the questions that you have been asking on here. Instead, you talked, and told her about YOUR suffering and issues. That's why she didn't participate. You steamrolled over her.
Women are attracted to people they admire. If you were to ask her who she admired, what would her answer be? She as much as told you it's not you (it used to be). Is there someone else that she is attracted to now?
I hope you get another opportunity like the one you had last night. Like a poked turtle, she will withdrawel into her shell since it wasn't safe enough for her to get her feelings out. Over time, her head may come back out of the shell. When it does, LISTEN! Don't dominate her back into withdrawel. She's heard all about YOUR issues, isn't it time you heard hers?
-HS
I don’t get it.
She’s not heard my issues before. I mentioned it once.
Once. And that wasn’t done right. And she has mentioned her needs plenty, and I’ve adapted over time. I talked to her not just because of advice, or books, or Michele, or even this forum, but ultimately because of my own therapist.
I never ask her for anything, and that’s part of the problem-----I’ve never put any boundaries on her, nor asked for anything.
Is there someone else that she’s attracted to? I don’t think so, no.
Look, the inherent problem is talking with her about anything we have a problem with makes her afraid right from the get go. She doesn’t see it as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship, and what I found out last night from her is that’s not my fault, it’s from being treated lousy by lousy guys in the past for years (and part of why I feel so confused is she had lots of sex with these lousy guys she didn’t love but doesn’t have sex with the guy who listens to her and she loves).
I get that it’s all about her needs for some people here BECAUSE of how people perceive my need. I had to explain that it was a need to be closer to her, not just a receptacle or an “itch to scratch.” I get that people are going to disagree with me here, but I took professional advice and, frankly, it seems to have helped both of us, it’s just not the end of the story is all. You make it sound like she didn’t speak, but she did, for maybe the first time, and while I’m sure she probably didn’t get it all out, at least it’s something.
Like, I hear what you’re saying about her finally opening up some, but isn’t the trick that she finally opened up only because I talked to her in the first place about where I’m at? She didn’t open up much, and she put the blame on me and took no responsibility for her own, isn’t that part of the issue more than the advice I was given to open up the way you’re saying she needed to open up?
