Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6

[25yearsmlc]

Interesting topic.

To me, the BIG difference is a MLC is all about our spouse. Their regrets, fears, and search for meaning. Things we CAN'T fix.

The walk away spouse is more about our failures as a partner. Things we CAN fix.

So while our main path may be the same, MLC or WAS, there are some important differences.

From the MLC chapter in DR:

Many of the problems addressed in this marriage saving guide are somewhat less intractable and easier to resolve. Wading through a mlc is a process that simply takes time. You can't rush it. You can't bull your way through it. You just have to remind yourself constantly that they are no quick fixes. And, however long it really takes, it seems a whole lot longer.

The one thing you will have to keep in mind throughout this journey is that your husband (wife) will have to find his own answers.

I hear you (and MWD) Forever. But there are 2 "wrinkles" in this^^ scenario.

First, it's a retrospective or "Backwards looking" diagnosis. We don't KNOW if it's MLC or WAS until we are way way into the journey...we may think it's a MLC and therefore miss out on the opportunities that exist for US to become better people b/c hey, "it's not me, it's THEM"...

and we can't really figure out if it was an MLC until LATER when they wake up IF they wake up...plus, ask yourself this.

IF my spouse seems like a WAS but then returns to the home and recommits, does it mean that they were, in fact, in MLC?

That would mean that only when we know the 'end of the story' do we know what it was. And that begets other questions, like when is the "end of the story" if we keep hanging on?


--
With a WAS: We are trying different things and seeing what "works".
With a MLC: Nothing we do is going to work until our spouse has made it through the tunnel.

BIG difference in my mind. With a WAS I believe we have some control over our spouses perception of the M. With a spouse in crisis, we have none. They have to work through their issues, and fix themselves, before they are interested or even capable of working on the marriage. To me, this is a big difference, and DOES make some difference on how we proceed, even if the main focus is still on ourselves.


See, I fear this^^ b/c SOME people come here, wanting the MLC label so they do not have to change a thing in THEM. (I have 2 examples for later...)

I see that^^ as very dangerous. Many times I have seen an LBS here, spend enormous amounts of energy to label their spouse as MLC

and it's very often b/c they want or need to avoid looking in the mirror AND OR b/c they just want to "wait and see"...They'll even call what they are doing, "Standing".....but it's not. It's standing still.

- that is the rub and that is why I do harp on the "what difference does it make?" b/c we only control ourselves.

And saying "Nothing WE do matters", is not true. Our actions might not change THEM and that may be so...but we never could change THEM...we could always only change US.


In Matt's wife's case, she SAID the terms "MLC" , and there are pieces that fit. Also what I'm about to say does not change Matt's course of action at this point.

So I'll only make 2 points on his wife's situation.

One, I think it is simply a lot easier for her to admit to a vague MLC, than to say "I'm mentally ill, as I still have not recovered from my dad leaving us decades ago, and that unresolved childhood issue has greatly affected my present day choices, which are destructive to my children and m"...

b/c 2), Matt's wife has some serious problems. While we know MLCers dont' see things the way we do or the way they USED to...in her case, she's a bit unusual b/c she's NOT KIND to her own offspring. I see a lot of MLCers try to compete with the co-parent to get the children's preference. Here, she's treating her own d's with disdain, to please her nutty dad. That is emotionally unstable & destructive & unusual.
Yes, Matt, many Americans suffer from depression. But from your words Matt, she sounds as if she was almost catatonic for years. The phrase "major depressive episode" sounds accurate. If you look it up (no need to, just saying) her depression was not the "melancholy" type one might get every winter or the general sadness of the human condition. It's not existential angst.

It's more like PTSD from her youth. And no, you cannot fix that.
So you are right that you simply need to go on YOUR journey, and take your girls for theirs.

Of course, we all had chit in our lives. My dad was a raging alcoholic at home, but a government official by day, well educated, in a position where he spoke a lot and was a great public speaker. Yeah, that was some weird contrasts and hypocrisy to see growing up. But I have siblings and a mom who kept the rest of us safe and sane for the most part. None of us are repeating that behavior.

But in your wife's case, she has pinned SO MUCH on her missing dad's approval, that yeah, I think she's mentally ill -- but NO-- you do not have to sacrifice your life or your d's, for her to get better.

Even if you were a jerk H to her, or just a mediocre h, she and her dad were unkind to your younger daughter -how is that EVER justified? She crossed a big line in the sand when she allowed her father to do that to your d.
NOT ACCEPTABLE....

This ^^ behavior is the sign that your w is in deep cray cray land and you have to protect your d's frail heart from further damage.



---

Have you accepted that you cannot fix this Matt?

It's a paradox in some ways. You cannot fix her or it or this. True.

BUT...You CAN improve your life and the lives of your d's. Truth is, you must.

Are you prepared to take charge of your life and happiness, and help your d's create their own fulfilling lives? That's your task.