Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

Ahhhhh- thank you for allowing me this temporary interruption to scream!

After a pleasant weekend spending some time together as family ( even arranged all the stuff for taxes together and remained positive) I have a conversation with H that makes me cry. ( luckily it was via phone so he didn't see it).

There are lots of good things about this conversation but it still left me feeling a bit sad..... He texts me to say he has a potential job offer. This is good as he's been miserable and feels " completely useless and not valued" ( his words) at his current position. I said great . Then he texts me to say there's some complexity to figure out as it's in CA and they often want executives to live in state. ( we live in TX). Then texts that our daughter told him no problem- just fly her back and forth weekly.
So then he calls me and wanted to make sure I didn't misconstrue the texts- he wasn't saying he's going to move, he wants to see if it's possible to work out a remote type position. Sounds very excited about the possibility and that they sought him out. I'm happy for him as he needs this boost to his confidence.
Then he says- but if it's very high pay I might have to consider it. I said why is that your gauge- it's never been before. He said because I'm probably most helpful contributing financially over the next couple of years. ( my suspicion of feeling bad that I earn more may be correct). I say don't worry about that- find the right position for you where you'll be happy.
He says I know, will have to see. But if it requires me living there and you say it won't work then I won't consider it. I say it's not my decision to make for you. He said yes- we are coparents together and you are half that equation. ( ugggh I really want to be more and see so much potential for it eventually).
I said we would probably have to do a school year versus summer arrangement.
I tried to continue sounding positive but as usual he knows me well. Asked if I was ok. I said yes this is just a lot to think about. He said it's still early, let's see if he even likes the team.

So in review:
Awesome that he wanted to share this with me and wanted my input
Awesome that he sounded excited and like he could add value somewhere
Awesome that I responded in a way that showed I will support him and work out the kids stuff even if he has to move

Crummy that he is still thinking of the coparenting situation as our only relationship going forward

I know this has much more to do with his feelings of worthlessness that he would consider moving as he ADORES the kids and I can't imagine him being ok with being that far away from them.
And I know that if he does move I will be fine and God's in charge.

It really is like he's in his adolescence again and trying to find his place in the world. Poor guy.

[daring]

Still working on PMA upswing. At least the peaks and valleys seem to be evening out....
Two youngest kids stayed with H last night since I'm on call and working late. Talked to them on phone last night and S7 tells me- come to Daddy's house once you get home. I told him I needed to go to my house and I would see him tomorrow. H got on the phone and said " guess we should get used to that, huh?" S7 seems to be having the hardest time with everything and I see him act out his feelings that he can't always identify.
This morning when H brought them over he runs into see me and says- I told you to come over why didn't you? He wasn't really sad. Just matter of fact.
I felt sad for him though.
H came into the room when I was getting dressed (was still in undergarments and he said " thank you" for the visual ). He asked what's wrong. I said don't worry about it. He said uh uh I know better- took the shirt I was about to put on and stepped in close to me- then said " I know I have no right but what's going on?". I said I just hate to see S7 having such a hard time. He said I know but he and I talked some and he's handling it pretty well ( meanwhile I'm thinking he shouldn't have to handle chit if you weren't pulling the family apart- but I didn't say it). He hugged me and held tightly for a few seconds. Then left for work.

My kids dealing with this really pulls at my heart strings. I know that it is also reflective of my own abandonment issues and childhood wounds as I can "feel what they feel" when I see them hurting. I know God is directing me to heal that part of me through all of this- it just bites!!!

So I continue on with hope of reconciliation but trying to keep my expectations at zero. At least H is being kind. Some of things he is doing lately give me a hint that he is trying to take care of me. I'm usually miss I'll just do it myself- but I'm trying to honor his efforts by letting him help me.

Hope this makes sense- I know my brain is a bit of scrambled eggs right now.

[ForeverYoung]

Daring, I'm glad to hear you are supporting H, and that he still cares for you. Like me, you have a "kitty kitten" MLC'er. It does make it not quite as hard to continue standing.

I know it's hard, but try not to worry too much about H leaving the state, because it may never happen. Besides, as you are aware, this job may be just what he needs to figure himself out. Doesn't mean the M is over.

Regarding the kids, be strong for them. If they see you're doing well that will reduce their pain tremendously. Bust On!

[daring]

Thanks FY for the support as always.

Things around here continue to get interesting. H had talk with CEO of company he is at today and they have very different opinions of the direction to take the company. H wouldn't bow out and not give input as the CEO was asking him to do ( I don't blame him- he's so frustrated and really does know his stuff in this industry) so they agreed he would leave the company. Not sure when this becomes official but it certainly puts some urgency into finding a new position. Since H is living in another house he has rent, utilities etc to cover. Luckily we don't need his income to cover me and kids but im not sure how this is going to pan out. I don't really want to be stuck paying those things, but I don't want him to get his finances in a really bad place as it's always a source of difficulty for him to manage. Guess I will just see how this plays out.

As far as the kids, I'm going about normal and rarely do they see any sadness from me. The two younger ones are upset, though, that I have slowly replaced pics of H and I with family pics. I still kept ones that he is in but just took down the " couple" ones. Everytime I change one they notice and it upsets them. I'm considering putting most ( except huge wedding portrait) back up as I can certainly deal with the emotions of seeing it better than they are doing with change right now.
Even H is seeing how they are being affected where before he kept saying they were handling it fine. Tonight when I got home from work he told me S7 had a very rough evening and would need some of my " softness".
Will keep an eye on everything but thinking S7 may need a little therapy to help him express how he's feeling.

All considered I'm doing pretty well I suppose...