Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6

[Georgiabelle]

Her new sense of her mortality is the clincher. All MLC'ers fear time is running short to find fulfillment. That's why death, serious illness, or age is a common trigger. And that's why they feel the need to RUN.

^^^^^
100% Agree. My h said he just had to run to get away from his emotions and he had no idea *where* to go.


Be cordial, Matt. Don't react. Just let W be and let her go.

[Matt165]

You can "throw up" here any time Georgia!
The depression/anxiety, the low self esteem, the sensitivity are all things that my W shared with your H. Just before B-day even my W said "Can women have MLC's. I really think I'm having one!". She couldn't understand her own feelings and even went as far as thinking it was hormonal imbalance (actually she hoped it was!). I think, in the beginning, even they know that what they are going through isn't normal. This adds to the depression/ anxiety issues as well as the self esteem. My W did a workshop for work just weeks after B-day where she had to look at her her feelings. She listed things like "feeling invisible", "dorky", "no one likes me", "not good enough". When it called for an example of a problem she has and what she GAINS from talking to others about it she sighted her "Bad Marriage". She listed things like "get attention from other people", "excuse for not being good enough" as benefits! I think at that point she could see that blaming her marriage was a way to explain her own bad feelings about herself. As things progressed that changed and now she is fully invested in her marriage and me being the cause. If we aren't the cause than they have to look at what else it may be. They already have low self esteem, looking inside and seeing that it isn't us or their marriage would mean that it has to be them.

The taco thing is funny as after B-day and my changing the things she had said "bothered her", she actually said she had to leave because "I hate the way you chew your food" and was serious about it! What can we do with that? How did we contribute to the breakdown of our M by the way we chew or eat tacos?

Looking at the 'reasons" your H gave you and the ones my W did, there is in there a clue, I think. They both try and tell US how WE felt about them! My W told me at one time that she didn't think I felt she was "enough" for me. That I was just as unhappy as she was. Just like your H saying you weren't "committed to the M" or he loved you more than you loved him. This is their own feelings of inadequacy projected onto us. I also think this may be the reason so many MLCers end up with OP's that are clearly damaged as they feel better about themself when with them.

Thanks for stopping by my thread. I appreciate your thoughts very much!

[Georgiabelle]

No prob Matt. I also got the "you've ruined my life", "my life changed when we had kids (allegedly mine didn't) and the ongoing "I will be dead soon"

Watching my h now, he is as his family and old friends say (people he no longer speaks to because quote "they look and act old", "the poster child for MLC."

[Matt165]

Hi FY,
OH, yes! I know for certain that I can't fix her. If she was a WAS, there are so many things that could be done that might have some impact. But just like you said, you can't try something new, wait a few weeks and see if it makes a difference. In a couple weeks, they will have totally changed every idea they ever had. Believe me, right after B-day I tried to change myself and how I acted in so many ways. The bigger the change I made, the more my W wanted to go! I remember that one of the things she said on B-day was we don't do enough fun things. I put together a fun day zip lining (something she had always wanted to do) and we all (D14 included) had a really fun day. When we got home my W started spewing like mad! Telling me how she couldn't wait another day, she just had to leave. Here we had just had this really fun day, she was laughing and joking and showing nothing but her also having a great day and at the end she got angry! She didn't want to have fun. She wanted to be able to blame our marriage and me. Having fun together just didn't help her do that. This was the time she said it was the way I chew my food that made her certain that she just had to leave our 20 year marriage.

WAS's have real, tangible reasons they can site for wanting out. They don't need to make up crazy things that, even if true, wouldn't raise to throwing away every belief they ever had about marriage and family. They don't change their personality and start acting like a different person. They don't accuse their S of trying to kill them by feeding them high cholesterol food "on purpose" and wanting them dead.

Yes, I realize I can't fix a thing. It's hard because I've always been a "fixer", always thought that anything can be done if you know how and keep trying. The "how" in this case is just stop trying and let her work things out (or not) on her own. Just a shame that so much of what I had planned for my and my kids lives was built on her being there as well. This is the most important work ahead, building a new plan without her in it. Something that I never thought I would need to do but now MUST be done! Thanks FY!

[TSquared2]

Yes, I realize I can't fix a thing. It's hard because I've always been a "fixer", always thought that anything can be done if you know how and keep trying.

I hear you on that "fixer" thing...I am a recovering "fixer"....Best leave fixing to things, not people, life is so much better when you realize that other people are responsible for their chit, not you.

[Matt165]

AMEN, T2!!!

[TL72*]

T2 - great post - nailed it. No more fixing, no more rescuing, be responsible for yourself

[ForeverYoung]

Just a shame that so much of what I had planned for my and my kids lives was built on her being there as well.

Yes it is, but this is your new reality, so it's time to accept it and move forward with the things in your life you can control. Like those food chewing lessons you've been putting off.

[Georgiabelle]

^^^^^

Yes. Matt, one thing I've realized during this process is that I don't want to wallow and I don't want to be a victim. Yes, things may not be quite what we planned or hoped. However, that doesn't mean they won't be better. Regardless of religious or spiritual beliefs, I do believe things happen for a reason.

Your life may not quite look like what you thought it would, and that probably is a good thing in the long run (even if it doesn't always seem like it right now).

[25yearsmlc]

Interesting topic.

To me, the BIG difference is a MLC is all about our spouse. Their regrets, fears, and search for meaning. Things we CAN'T fix.

The walk away spouse is more about our failures as a partner. Things we CAN fix.

So while our main path may be the same, MLC or WAS, there are some important differences.

From the MLC chapter in DR:

Many of the problems addressed in this marriage saving guide are somewhat less intractable and easier to resolve. Wading through a mlc is a process that simply takes time. You can't rush it. You can't bull your way through it. You just have to remind yourself constantly that they are no quick fixes. And, however long it really takes, it seems a whole lot longer.

The one thing you will have to keep in mind throughout this journey is that your husband (wife) will have to find his own answers.

I hear you (and MWD) Forever. But there are 2 "wrinkles" in this^^ scenario.

First, it's a retrospective or "Backwards looking" diagnosis. We don't KNOW if it's MLC or WAS until we are way way into the journey...we may think it's a MLC and therefore miss out on the opportunities that exist for US to become better people b/c hey, "it's not me, it's THEM"...

and we can't really figure out if it was an MLC until LATER when they wake up IF they wake up...plus, ask yourself this.

IF my spouse seems like a WAS but then returns to the home and recommits, does it mean that they were, in fact, in MLC?

That would mean that only when we know the 'end of the story' do we know what it was. And that begets other questions, like when is the "end of the story" if we keep hanging on?


--
With a WAS: We are trying different things and seeing what "works".
With a MLC: Nothing we do is going to work until our spouse has made it through the tunnel.

BIG difference in my mind. With a WAS I believe we have some control over our spouses perception of the M. With a spouse in crisis, we have none. They have to work through their issues, and fix themselves, before they are interested or even capable of working on the marriage. To me, this is a big difference, and DOES make some difference on how we proceed, even if the main focus is still on ourselves.


See, I fear this^^ b/c SOME people come here, wanting the MLC label so they do not have to change a thing in THEM. (I have 2 examples for later...)

I see that^^ as very dangerous. Many times I have seen an LBS here, spend enormous amounts of energy to label their spouse as MLC

and it's very often b/c they want or need to avoid looking in the mirror AND OR b/c they just want to "wait and see"...They'll even call what they are doing, "Standing".....but it's not. It's standing still.

- that is the rub and that is why I do harp on the "what difference does it make?" b/c we only control ourselves.

And saying "Nothing WE do matters", is not true. Our actions might not change THEM and that may be so...but we never could change THEM...we could always only change US.


In Matt's wife's case, she SAID the terms "MLC" , and there are pieces that fit. Also what I'm about to say does not change Matt's course of action at this point.

So I'll only make 2 points on his wife's situation.

One, I think it is simply a lot easier for her to admit to a vague MLC, than to say "I'm mentally ill, as I still have not recovered from my dad leaving us decades ago, and that unresolved childhood issue has greatly affected my present day choices, which are destructive to my children and m"...

b/c 2), Matt's wife has some serious problems. While we know MLCers dont' see things the way we do or the way they USED to...in her case, she's a bit unusual b/c she's NOT KIND to her own offspring. I see a lot of MLCers try to compete with the co-parent to get the children's preference. Here, she's treating her own d's with disdain, to please her nutty dad. That is emotionally unstable & destructive & unusual.
Yes, Matt, many Americans suffer from depression. But from your words Matt, she sounds as if she was almost catatonic for years. The phrase "major depressive episode" sounds accurate. If you look it up (no need to, just saying) her depression was not the "melancholy" type one might get every winter or the general sadness of the human condition. It's not existential angst.

It's more like PTSD from her youth. And no, you cannot fix that.
So you are right that you simply need to go on YOUR journey, and take your girls for theirs.

Of course, we all had chit in our lives. My dad was a raging alcoholic at home, but a government official by day, well educated, in a position where he spoke a lot and was a great public speaker. Yeah, that was some weird contrasts and hypocrisy to see growing up. But I have siblings and a mom who kept the rest of us safe and sane for the most part. None of us are repeating that behavior.

But in your wife's case, she has pinned SO MUCH on her missing dad's approval, that yeah, I think she's mentally ill -- but NO-- you do not have to sacrifice your life or your d's, for her to get better.

Even if you were a jerk H to her, or just a mediocre h, she and her dad were unkind to your younger daughter -how is that EVER justified? She crossed a big line in the sand when she allowed her father to do that to your d.
NOT ACCEPTABLE....

This ^^ behavior is the sign that your w is in deep cray cray land and you have to protect your d's frail heart from further damage.



---

Have you accepted that you cannot fix this Matt?

It's a paradox in some ways. You cannot fix her or it or this. True.

BUT...You CAN improve your life and the lives of your d's. Truth is, you must.

Are you prepared to take charge of your life and happiness, and help your d's create their own fulfilling lives? That's your task.