Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

Still working on PMA upswing. At least the peaks and valleys seem to be evening out....
Two youngest kids stayed with H last night since I'm on call and working late. Talked to them on phone last night and S7 tells me- come to Daddy's house once you get home. I told him I needed to go to my house and I would see him tomorrow. H got on the phone and said " guess we should get used to that, huh?" S7 seems to be having the hardest time with everything and I see him act out his feelings that he can't always identify.
This morning when H brought them over he runs into see me and says- I told you to come over why didn't you? He wasn't really sad. Just matter of fact.
I felt sad for him though.
H came into the room when I was getting dressed (was still in undergarments and he said " thank you" for the visual ). He asked what's wrong. I said don't worry about it. He said uh uh I know better- took the shirt I was about to put on and stepped in close to me- then said " I know I have no right but what's going on?". I said I just hate to see S7 having such a hard time. He said I know but he and I talked some and he's handling it pretty well ( meanwhile I'm thinking he shouldn't have to handle chit if you weren't pulling the family apart- but I didn't say it). He hugged me and held tightly for a few seconds. Then left for work.

My kids dealing with this really pulls at my heart strings. I know that it is also reflective of my own abandonment issues and childhood wounds as I can "feel what they feel" when I see them hurting. I know God is directing me to heal that part of me through all of this- it just bites!!!

So I continue on with hope of reconciliation but trying to keep my expectations at zero. At least H is being kind. Some of things he is doing lately give me a hint that he is trying to take care of me. I'm usually miss I'll just do it myself- but I'm trying to honor his efforts by letting him help me.

Hope this makes sense- I know my brain is a bit of scrambled eggs right now.