Help Please: Chapter 2

[Maybell]

It's not totally in the past. In May it was revealed that he had never stopped communicating with her (they were outed to me by her baby daddy for the third time). On the day that all blew up (owing to the circumstances of how it was revealed) we were texting one another and he said he was going to Skype her to confirm something. I asked him not to and he did and told me about her demeanor, etc.

I would think he wouldn't stop communicating with her now because that's when and why I called the lawyer. He no longer had anything to lose. So it's not really in the past and I made a point of saying I wasn't going to share him with her, even as just friends. So I drew a line in the sand that I thought was justified at that time. Now that things feel very different I don't know if I want to stand by that line, but nothing has changed to make me withdraw from it. They only feel different because I'm different. So I don't know how to navigate that.

[Maybell]

By the way, labug, I'm looking at all the responses and support you're giving to people here and I want to thank you for your enormous generosity, not just to me, but to the community at large. It has made an enormous difference to me to have a DB mentor.

[labug]

I misunderstood what you were asking.

Now that the background is clearer, what is the question?

[GoatGal]

This posts above by labug were right on the money in so many ways ^^^^.
They answered some questions for me too, because there are some similarities in our stories that resonate with me

I'm going to keep on with my catch-up reading of your story, Maybell. It's a real page-turner!

And for what it's worth, I think you're doing a bang-up job.

I might have lost it at "swanky apartment downtown + change of address." Ugh.

Even though it was emotional, you got your composure back.

I think you handled it like a queen.

-----GGG

[labug]

So I drew a line in the sand that I thought was justified at that time. Now that things feel very different I don't know if I want to stand by that line, but nothing has changed to make me withdraw from it. They only feel different because I'm different. So I don't know how to navigate that.

If that's your boundary, that's your boundary.

The sticky part is, you have children, you have to communicate. So communication is limited to the kids only. That's a lot.

H would only communicate with me about kid matters and even at their older ages, that was a lot.

If the changes you make are to the core, that affects all your Rs, and will be evident to everyone as time goes on.

[GoatGal]

Maybell: "I think he could develop better skills for participating in our life together rather than being so passive and conflict avoidant, learn to be a little more generous with his communications, and it would solve a lot of our problems. But I'm not sure he sees that part or even sees it as something that is not hard-wired but is improve able."

This is my H to a T. I don't enjoy conflict either, but I don't believe that ignoring problems makes them less troublesome. Some day, I hope we have the opportunity to see if this can be improved in our M. It's essential, especially now.

"He truly is extraordinarily difficult to communicate with. He doesn't like to be detailed. When he gets detailed he gets so overwhelmed by too many possibilities and shuts down...."

My H is difficult to pin down on anything.
He communicates in a (deliberately?) vague style.
He resists making plans so we can work on things together, then seems to resent the fact that I'm not on "his" schedule.

I feel like I take over because he just won't take the lead and ultimately, somebody's got to do something. He doesn't seem to want to voice an opinion, and I'm trying to figure out if I contributed to this and fixing it from my end as much as I can.
Sounds like you've experienced something similar in your M?

But like you, I'm pouring on the "words of affirmation" hoping if he feels that his opinions are valued more, he will be more likely to offer them.

As for acting like the "Affair Partner".;;;
Yuck! But I get that also.
That's what they get from an OW that they don't get from us.
With us there is a lot of resentment built up over our M, even if it's nothing that we ever did to hurt them consciously.
Their resentment may come from EXPECTATIONS they had FOR US over the years that we didn't meet. (And often because they were never communicated to us, so we never got the chance.)

So it sounds like we need to compensate for the years of resentment by being even better versions of our (already awesome ) selves, and make sure they're getting that 4/5s of HAPPY interactions.
Not an easy task, considering our circumstances, but I think it can be done.
If there are OWs, let THEM send out the bad vibes and pressure, which they inevitably will. They're women, after all, and they have agendas too.

We need to be the safe haven, the "soft place to land".
(We should start shopping now for gowns to wear on the red carpet for the Oscars next year!)


"He doesn't like to look into the future so it has always been difficult to make plans or long-term goals with him, so there has been a certain insecurity in not understanding what we were ever working towards. If we disagreed about something it was either his way or my way because he has a hard time explaining which Part of a plan he objects to or agrees with..."

This is an understatement in my case.
What's weird is, HUGE decisions are made with very little obvious processing and thought of the future, (filing for divorce) yet tiny decisions (what movie to watch on TV) are paralyzing for him.
I don't understand this at all, except perhaps that ALL decisions are overwhelming, (ADD problem) and the big ones are insurmountable.
Therefore the huge ones get no real thought, just a coin toss. (???)


" He has been sort of reaching out to me, isn, in the last week, encouraging me to contact him if I want to. I haven't, except for kid stuff, and to be just friendly enough that he can't think I'm angry with him. I don't know how to act around him so I'm making it a 180 that I don't force that particular issue and I leave lots and lots of space for him to drive the bus if he wants to."

Maybell, this is exactly where I'm at too.
Somewhere above somebody said, probably labug, that "if it's what YOU want, DO IT".
That's where the cake-eating line should be drawn.
Makes sense to me, so I'm going to see if I can implement that here too.
I have pulled back a lot to really give my H more space, but also because it's what I NEED right now.

(Strangely, it's pushing his buttons and he's gotten a bit nasty with me... but more on this on my thread.)

I love what you said about not feeling like you're just a passenger in the car anymore, now you're able to drive!
You're also willing to let him take the wheel at times, (of his own vehicle or of yours too?)
But-- why do you get a car while he gets to drive a BUS?
Honey, if that's true, you deserve an upgrade.
Get yourself an 18-wheeler!!!


These are just some similarities in our sitches, which is why I am really taking labug's advice to you to heart.


"Keep Calm and Carry On"....

---GGG

[labug]

As for acting like the "Affair Partner".;;;
Yuck!

You know that was my initial reaction but I've found it's actually quite fun and I love being on the receiving end of the same attentiveness.

So why was my first reaction negative? Fear.

Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, body image issues.

I had to chip away at a lot of marble to get to the me hidden within.

[Maybell]

What exactly does acting like the affair partner mean? There's no sex going to be happening.

GGG, I'll get back to you when I have a little more time. Kids home for summer vacation...

[labug]

I'm not saying you need to do that now, it's just one of those things some of us lose when we're married for a while.

What can be practiced now? Paying attention when he speaks, being interested in what he has to say, not fixing or offering unsolicited suggestions, saying "What do you think?" and paying attention to the answer.

Practice with your kids.

It's been nice having coffee with you ladies this morning, now I need to go to work.

[Maybell]

Thanks, labug!!