Boy, my mood was really starting to go downhill but I think I am quickly recognizing and pulling myself out of it. I went out for a little walk and came *this* close to calling H and crying to him. Because really, I’m notsomuch mad but sad that it’s 9 years ago today that he asked me to marry him and now we are currently separated. Then I realized that calling him would lead to nothing but trouble, my motivation in that moment was to try to manipulate him with my emotions, to try to get a reaction out of him. I think I’m realizing that unfortunately trying to manipulate him with my emotions was something I’ve done in the past, as you can imagine not a very healthy dynamic and one that the new MDU will not engage in!
Having said that, I really do want a H that I can share my deepest feelings with. That’s something that I believe fell apart for both of us in the M. I think part of why it fell apart is that previously I would sometimes have expectations attached to our interactions. Like if I shared something personal I would expect that he should react in a certain way and if he didn’t, I would get more upset or even angry. After enough times of this I eventually stopped sharing. I think I need to let go of these sort of expectations, for both our sakes.
Part of me still does want to call H and share that I am sad today. I want to do it as a test --- not for him --- but for ME, to see if I can just share my emotions and not attach any expectations to how I think he should react to them. Just share and let it be. I wonder if I can do it and how I would feel? For his part, can H just be there for me when I’m sad? I’ve always thought of him as not good about dealing with strong emotions from me but maybe all along it’s been about me sabotaging things with my expectations. I’m not sure this is the right time but at some point I think I need to experiment and see.
Note to self: something that quickly helped my mood, simply going for a walk. Now I am going to make myself complete a few tasks that I’ve been procrastinating on forever, like clean my desk and email! I know that will make me feel a bit better as well. Figuring out these little tricks to get my moods more level is so key!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
