Help Please: Chapter 2

[GoatGal]

Maybell: "I think he could develop better skills for participating in our life together rather than being so passive and conflict avoidant, learn to be a little more generous with his communications, and it would solve a lot of our problems. But I'm not sure he sees that part or even sees it as something that is not hard-wired but is improve able."

This is my H to a T. I don't enjoy conflict either, but I don't believe that ignoring problems makes them less troublesome. Some day, I hope we have the opportunity to see if this can be improved in our M. It's essential, especially now.

"He truly is extraordinarily difficult to communicate with. He doesn't like to be detailed. When he gets detailed he gets so overwhelmed by too many possibilities and shuts down...."

My H is difficult to pin down on anything.
He communicates in a (deliberately?) vague style.
He resists making plans so we can work on things together, then seems to resent the fact that I'm not on "his" schedule.

I feel like I take over because he just won't take the lead and ultimately, somebody's got to do something. He doesn't seem to want to voice an opinion, and I'm trying to figure out if I contributed to this and fixing it from my end as much as I can.
Sounds like you've experienced something similar in your M?

But like you, I'm pouring on the "words of affirmation" hoping if he feels that his opinions are valued more, he will be more likely to offer them.

As for acting like the "Affair Partner".;;;
Yuck! But I get that also.
That's what they get from an OW that they don't get from us.
With us there is a lot of resentment built up over our M, even if it's nothing that we ever did to hurt them consciously.
Their resentment may come from EXPECTATIONS they had FOR US over the years that we didn't meet. (And often because they were never communicated to us, so we never got the chance.)

So it sounds like we need to compensate for the years of resentment by being even better versions of our (already awesome ) selves, and make sure they're getting that 4/5s of HAPPY interactions.
Not an easy task, considering our circumstances, but I think it can be done.
If there are OWs, let THEM send out the bad vibes and pressure, which they inevitably will. They're women, after all, and they have agendas too.

We need to be the safe haven, the "soft place to land".
(We should start shopping now for gowns to wear on the red carpet for the Oscars next year!)


"He doesn't like to look into the future so it has always been difficult to make plans or long-term goals with him, so there has been a certain insecurity in not understanding what we were ever working towards. If we disagreed about something it was either his way or my way because he has a hard time explaining which Part of a plan he objects to or agrees with..."

This is an understatement in my case.
What's weird is, HUGE decisions are made with very little obvious processing and thought of the future, (filing for divorce) yet tiny decisions (what movie to watch on TV) are paralyzing for him.
I don't understand this at all, except perhaps that ALL decisions are overwhelming, (ADD problem) and the big ones are insurmountable.
Therefore the huge ones get no real thought, just a coin toss. (???)


" He has been sort of reaching out to me, isn, in the last week, encouraging me to contact him if I want to. I haven't, except for kid stuff, and to be just friendly enough that he can't think I'm angry with him. I don't know how to act around him so I'm making it a 180 that I don't force that particular issue and I leave lots and lots of space for him to drive the bus if he wants to."

Maybell, this is exactly where I'm at too.
Somewhere above somebody said, probably labug, that "if it's what YOU want, DO IT".
That's where the cake-eating line should be drawn.
Makes sense to me, so I'm going to see if I can implement that here too.
I have pulled back a lot to really give my H more space, but also because it's what I NEED right now.

(Strangely, it's pushing his buttons and he's gotten a bit nasty with me... but more on this on my thread.)

I love what you said about not feeling like you're just a passenger in the car anymore, now you're able to drive!
You're also willing to let him take the wheel at times, (of his own vehicle or of yours too?)
But-- why do you get a car while he gets to drive a BUS?
Honey, if that's true, you deserve an upgrade.
Get yourself an 18-wheeler!!!


These are just some similarities in our sitches, which is why I am really taking labug's advice to you to heart.


"Keep Calm and Carry On"....

---GGG