Codependency was a dead accurate description. She was part of it, losing her identity and walking on eggshells trying to live with me and my addictions and expectations.
I see it now. It helps to understand that even if we were magically back together it wouldn't work right now. I have all the love in the world for her, but I've seen that I've wronged her regardless. Love for her isn't enough. I want her to be safe from me, and for now will honestly put my efforts into growing into someone she could feel safe with.
Therapy, phone coaching, reading, journaling, posting. It's a start. But I may need more. I have neglected my spirituality and for the first time in years am thinking of going back to church. That would be a big 180. The fact is I have proven I can't 'reason' my way back to strength. I cant fix me by myself. Maybe with help from up above I can find a more pure path. And it jives with another 180, letting go of my needs more and trying to focus on the needs of my loved ones. For now that means my wife, going her the distance she needs to feel safe and recover. And for my children, who deserve a loving father and positive role model. Finally, I am going to be open to the will of The Lord should be want to make his purpose clear to my heart. I abandoned my faith long ago but even though I don't fully believe with my head it is time I humbly ask for forgiveness and the strength to go on.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
