Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6

[ForeverYoung]

Interesting topic.

To me, the BIG difference is a MLC is all about our spouse. Their regrets, fears, and search for meaning. Things we CAN'T fix.

The walk away spouse is more about our failures as a partner. Things we CAN fix.

So while our main path may be the same, MLC or WAS, there are some important differences.

From the MLC chapter in DR:

Many of the problems addressed in this marriage saving guide are somewhat less intractable and easier to resolve. Wading through a mlc is a process that simply takes time. You can't rush it. You can't bull your way through it. You just have to remind yourself constantly that they are no quick fixes. And, however long it really takes, it seems a whole lot longer.

The one thing you will have to keep in mind throughout this journey is that your husband (wife) will have to find his own answers.

Remember the chapter in DR about trying things and monitoring for at least two weeks? Yeah, toss that one right out the window if your spouse is in MLC.

With a WAS: We are trying different things and seeing what "works".
With a MLC: Nothing we do is going to work until our spouse has made it through the tunnel.

BIG difference in my mind. With a WAS I believe we have some control over our spouses perception of the M. With a spouse in crisis, we have none. They have to work through their issues, and fix themselves, before they are interested or even capable of working on the marriage. To me, this is a big difference, and DOES make some difference on how we proceed, even if the main focus is still on ourselves.

And for the record, I believe your W is in MLC, Matt. Her new sense of her mortality is the clincher. All MLC'ers fear time is running short to find fulfillment. That's why death, serious illness, or age is a common trigger. And that's why they feel the need to RUN.

Have you accepted that you cannot fix this Matt?