Have I done much thinking about my marriage? You betcha.
When the bomb was initially dropped on me, he told me he loved his life, he loved his marriage, he loves his family, he loves me. This was just "additive." He claimed he had been wanting it since the day we got married. He'd been TRYING to tell me in a roundabout way for years.
Before Bomb Drop though he had started to say things like, "I want to whiten my teeth," "I need to pick new glasses that make me look younger," "I need to lose 20 lbs.," "I want to ride a bike century," "We need to start a weightlifting plan," "We have to have my parents over for dinner once a week because they're going to die!"
We fought almost never. We were best friends. (I don't argue much with my friends either - I'm pretty good with just agreeing to disagree.) I gave him a lot of space to do his own thing - so not co-dependent. Oddly, it was when I started pursuing some of my own activities (like long-distance running) that he started to get a little bit weird. He tells people still that he needed to take up running because he had to keep me from running away.
I now say he was my best friend. I just don't think that a real friend would do this. He is horrified that I use the past tense. He has tearfully explained to me that giving up the "friend" would be sad because she is such a good friend. I explained that I didn't think so....She KNEW how much he valued his family (she even told him that it made him so attractive to her), yet she compromises that relationship. Friends make each other better people, but these two have a relationship where they MUST lie to their spouses and friends. Does that make him a better person?
Sometimes I feel like I totally get this whole craziness as his friend...just not as his spouse. If I were watching this ONLY as his friend I could talk to him about it and it wouldn't hurt so much. Anyway - it wouldn't matter either way. It's his journey. Detach detach detach.
He has said that he has always known that he could trust me more than he could trust himself. This seems strange, because early in our relationship he was very threatened by my male friends. I learned very early on the importance of setting boundaries with other men. (A co-worker who was a friend once came on to me at an office party--he invited me to leave with him. I declined, there was no physical contact, and I ended all future contact with him.)
H has told me that I have been more worried about the kids than I was about him. I do think that's probably true--I wasn't so good at fostering our relationship. He and I would occasionally go away and he wouldn't miss the children at all, whereas I would be pining for them. I always just thought that was male/female difference, but I can see that I wasn't doing my job as a wife to make him feel good about being a man. Sex was really just sex....It was provided often, but not really initiated by me. This is now a tricky spot to be in - because I'm pretty turned off by someone who pursued physical and emotional affection elsewhere. I had never ever stood for that in any previous relationship...but I'm pretty committed to marriage. I took those vows seriously. I'm in a pickle about that.
Can I pay him more attention? I can and should, but I want the EA/PA or WHATEVER that is to be over first. Don't know when/if that's going to happen. I wonder if it will take longer because she lives in another city.
I'm not pursuing him right now - that's important...but I'm sensitive to the fact that he thinks I didn't spend enough time with him, so I'm trying to make sure I'm meeting those needs. Tricky, right?
180s for me...being pleasant rather than a wet dishrag. I had always been pleasant BEFORE, but the last 8 months have been brutal. Is it a 180 if I'm just trying to go back to being myself? Not sure!
Another 180 is not talking about the relationship. I think he lies like a flipping rug sometimes. New strategy - let it go. Don't call out the lie.
He and I used to brag about our perfect relationship to everyone who would listen. We were such good friends and really loved being with each other. He still tells lots of people that I'm his "miracle wife" (which really makes me feel a little sick, honestly). When I was so sad about the EA he scolded me, "I thought you would be happy for me...I really thought we were better friends than this." He has since said that if he were in my shoes that he couldn't handle all of this, so he does seem to be conflicted on the subject. I feel sometimes like I'm watching him do a puzzle. He's trying desperately to try to get all of these pieces to fit, but he can't do it.
So....at this point I'm hanging in there, hoping the affair will burn itself out. I'm not really eager to get to the LRT....I can't stomach the idea yet, which just means that it's not that time, I guess.
