1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Intellectually I don't disagree. For years I rationalized what I did because it matched what I felt. Now that I realize that it has cost me my marriage and family I am forced to confront some problems I have that I buried long ago.

I know I've been an a$$. I've been told it's wrong and deep down knew it myself though I was good at not looking at it. I've read posts like 'the sex was good' part 1 & 2 entirely and see the wisdom being offered. Everyone is talking about how he is fixated on one thing, focused on his needs, not ready for the ebbs and flow of a committed relationship, etc. They say he is acting like a whiny 17 year old.

I'm a lot like that. But the tricky part is that I can know that, it doesn't change it so easily. It's almost like a phobia, where being deprived sexually wasn't just 'hurtful', it was more 'terrifying'. I NEEDED her to be with me or I would start going to extremes like the other poster. Is my entire life going to be like this? I'd do anything for her, why doesn't she love me the same amount? I can't live like this. And it wasn't rational, it was extremely unreasonable and based on fear.

So I'm really trying to figure out where that fear comes from. And I haven't figured that out yet, or learned ways to deal with it. The frustrating part is that everyone can say 'that's wrong', but I've never found a bridge to grow from where I am to where the majority seem to be. Ideas have abounded like 'abandonment issues', 'bi-polar', 'addictive personalities', etc. But labels only help if there's a recommendation.

That's one thing I'm working on with both a DB Phone coach and a therapist. I need to figure this out. Again, before I thought I could 'work around' it. And keep in mind, this is a snap shot of my worst sides, in many ways I was caring, tender, etc. But ultimately this was a deal breaker that ended up hurting every part of the relationship. And my wife.

I agree I'm not ready for a relationship with my soon to be ex or anyone else until I conquer some of these demons. It's discouraging because they've been lifelong and at times I wonder if I'm destined to be lonely forever because I'm incapable of a healthy partnership. But life will have to prove that to me, I'm not going to give up. I'm sure others have turned around things like this and if it's possible I'll find a way. When I have I will pray that I reunite with my wife. If not I am just glad she didn't get hurt any further.