1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Sorry. Some shameful things, hard to come out with. Before I tell you what I did, I'll explain how I let this happen.

I was frustrated with our sex life, and was very vocal about it at times. I felt like I had tried to explain to her how important it was to me. It was a way I felt understood and accepted and loved, and I really craved a relationship in which we could be playful, passionate, experimental. She spent hours and hours reading how to be a good mother, but did she once go online and read tips on how to please a man in bed? Her view on sex was that is was there when we both wanted it. I disagreed and was upset. She always made sure the kids got everything they needed, but the one need I tried to express seemed to be dismissed.

Maybe I'm wrong to feel that way, but there is no doubt I was wrong how I handled it at times. There were a few instances that she'll never forget.

One was after a long string of no sex and rejected attempts to initiate. I was really resentful about it, and somehow we had a conversation in which she had asked me 'what's wrong'. That infuriated me. I marched over to the calendar on the wall and circled a date that occurred like 3 weeks ago and said something like "This is the last day we had any type of physical connection. That just doesn't work for me. And what's really bothersome is that you have to ask. I've told you this is important to me in every way I know how, but somehow you just don't get it. Either you can't understand this one concept or you just don't care about me." I probably went on to say that if I was ever in a bad mood again just ask herself if we've been intimate in the last week and if the answer was 'no' don't bother asking. To this day she says she remembers the rage in my eyes when I circled the calendar and says that something inside of her broke at that time.

Beyond that, there were instances in which I pressured her to having sex, and doing things she wasn't comfortable with. I knew I was pressuring her, but somehow thought it was ok because I was only getting what was reasonable. I felt like we loved each other, if she loved me she should give me what I wanted.

I also used pornography during our entire relationship and was upset she wouldn't join in. I never hid it, but felt like she was being unreasonable and prudish that she wouldn't participate and use it as a chance to get closer to me (sharing fantasies, etc).

So while I never hit her or did anything physically, there is no question I was guilty of some terrible things.

I still battle with some of these things. I have read that there are supposed to be 'no expectations' in a marriage and that we are supposed to find our own happiness. But what if I told her I would never work again? What if I told her I would never talk to her again? Aren't providing and communicating expectations? Why should sex be so different when it mattered so much to me? At some point there is a minimum that is not met that is a deal breaker. This is the point of view I'm trying to break little by little. In my relationship I honestly felt I was trying to get her to a minimum that I could live with.

But I am learning. I have spoken about this and thought about it. I have realized the hurt I caused to a woman I love more than I can put into words. And as of Saturday I decided I wasn't going to look at porn again. It's a very new 180 I've added to my list, and it's only day 3 so I'm not saying I've done it. But now I just link it with the hurt I caused, and I see how it deluded my mind. MY FANTASY'S OF HOW MARRIAGE OUGHT TO BE DROWN OUT THE BEAUTY OF THE REALITY THAT I DESTROYED.

I'm still sorting through this. Even should a miracle occur and we get back together I still am in a place where I'd hope she could grow in understanding and meeting my needs better, because in all reality she has room to grow there. But that is a grain of sand on the beach of where I have to grow in terms of letting go of expectations, and being compassionate to a partner when I don't get everything I want.

I am so sorry for the pain I caused. It's really eye opening to put this out there. In my heart I see myself as a very loving person, it's twisted how far you can fall from what's in your soul.