1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN! You guys are awesome, I am so appreciate of this site. I know these posts are long and time consuming, and it means a lot that you know I'm a real person and need the support. Let me reply to some of these things.

First off, let me explain the moving out and co-dependency things. I was never physically abusive. Unfortunately my problems and hers seemed to mesh in the wrong way. What I did wrong is that I was DEMANDING. See- I am a professional level competitor in a couple of sports, a very successful professional at work, etc. All because I was raised in a family that demanded a lot. So (STUPIDLY) when I was married I wanted an awesome marriage. I thought that meant that we both should read books, learn each other's love languages, spend time together, listen to each other's fears and dreams, then try to make ourselves the best partner for the other we could. That's fine if I want to do that, the problem is that she didn't. So I got disappointed and frustrated that she wasn't putting more into the relationship. In my mind she was giving 99% to the children and 1% to me. MY DESIRE FOR AN AWESOME MARRIAGE MADE IT MEDIOCRE.

She is the opposite. She is very timid, and soft spoken. She doesn't expect much from me, but in return just wanted to be 'loved for who she was'. She felt she lost herself in the relationship, that I always wanted to change her, and that she was never good enough. To make it worse, she has massive anxiety issues and is very sensitive to anger so when I got frustrated or angry she would react as if I'd beat her physically.

I'm not minimizing this by the way. I screwed up big time. BIG TIME. I feel like I was a drunk driver that killed someone in a crash. The woman I love more than anything in the world, truly love, and I hurt her to the point she had to shatter her hopes and dreams to escape from me. She is terrified of me now, because her life has been about losing herself trying to find ways to make me happy while never measuring up to my expectations. Was I a complete monster, no, I obviously have a lot of love in my heart and tried to pour that on with every action for years. But only now do I realize how terrible expectations are, and how I need to find happiness outside of a relationship.

When she said she couldn't do it anymore she told me she didn't feel safe in the same house as me. I've hurt her enough. I honored her request. And this is naive, but it's true- I don't care what is done to me from a legal standpoint. I WANT her to have full custody, she's been a stay at home mom for 10 years and I've been a mediocre father. I've made strides over the last year or two, but I am not ready to raise kids. And honestly if I see my children a couple of days a week uninterrupted and call them during the week that's probably an improvement from my relationship with them when I was dealing with all of this turmoil. And she can have the house, so the kids are stable. And I make ok money, she deserves a big chunk of it so she can provide. The fact is she has my heart, there's nothing else I'm too worried about. Yes, I'm letting her call the shots, but even if I knew we'd never get back together and knew she was already with another man (which I don't believe at this moment, but I've visualized it for therapeutic reasons) I still feel it's fair based on what I put her through and what's best for her and the family.

Now I've been the one terrified. Every email sent I start shaking, thinking about what it means, looking for any sign that maybe this nightmare could be over. But I'm getting through it. I am STARTING to accept. I am looking at her as an ex-wife now, and that is helping. I am starting to realize that I can do all the 180s I want, but the reality is it sounds like a real long shot that we have a future.

Still. If that's the case, I want to grow from it so I never hurt anyone like this again, so I can be ok on my own, and so that my next relationship is brighter. The coaching I was working on is the DB phone coaching, next appointment in the morning. I've already made progress on several 180s which I can get into in another post.

I need to keep that up, keep accepting this as reality, and GAL. It's hard to find the balance between detaching and giving up. For the millionth time, I love her so much and would love nothing more than a second chance. Every day I feel like my heart as bleeding. But I can only control me at this point, and I can't undo the damage I've done.

Again, thank you for your support. I think the biggest thing you are doing for me is accepting some of the love I have in my heart. I have so much to give at the moment, and no one else to share it with. Love you all.