Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

Ahhhhh- thank you for allowing me this temporary interruption to scream!

After a pleasant weekend spending some time together as family ( even arranged all the stuff for taxes together and remained positive) I have a conversation with H that makes me cry. ( luckily it was via phone so he didn't see it).

There are lots of good things about this conversation but it still left me feeling a bit sad..... He texts me to say he has a potential job offer. This is good as he's been miserable and feels " completely useless and not valued" ( his words) at his current position. I said great . Then he texts me to say there's some complexity to figure out as it's in CA and they often want executives to live in state. ( we live in TX). Then texts that our daughter told him no problem- just fly her back and forth weekly.
So then he calls me and wanted to make sure I didn't misconstrue the texts- he wasn't saying he's going to move, he wants to see if it's possible to work out a remote type position. Sounds very excited about the possibility and that they sought him out. I'm happy for him as he needs this boost to his confidence.
Then he says- but if it's very high pay I might have to consider it. I said why is that your gauge- it's never been before. He said because I'm probably most helpful contributing financially over the next couple of years. ( my suspicion of feeling bad that I earn more may be correct). I say don't worry about that- find the right position for you where you'll be happy.
He says I know, will have to see. But if it requires me living there and you say it won't work then I won't consider it. I say it's not my decision to make for you. He said yes- we are coparents together and you are half that equation. ( ugggh I really want to be more and see so much potential for it eventually).
I said we would probably have to do a school year versus summer arrangement.
I tried to continue sounding positive but as usual he knows me well. Asked if I was ok. I said yes this is just a lot to think about. He said it's still early, let's see if he even likes the team.

So in review:
Awesome that he wanted to share this with me and wanted my input
Awesome that he sounded excited and like he could add value somewhere
Awesome that I responded in a way that showed I will support him and work out the kids stuff even if he has to move

Crummy that he is still thinking of the coparenting situation as our only relationship going forward

I know this has much more to do with his feelings of worthlessness that he would consider moving as he ADORES the kids and I can't imagine him being ok with being that far away from them.
And I know that if he does move I will be fine and God's in charge.

It really is like he's in his adolescence again and trying to find his place in the world. Poor guy.