Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6

[25yearsmlc]

Matt,

I said that You post mostly about your wife's words/actions or the marital history. I stand by that statement, even if you are or were answering someone else's questions. The point is, you still post about her and the marital history. It's not "wrong" to do that; it's just not very helpful to you.

WONKA --to answer your comment/question, you're right to say that at times I discussed MLC in a way that seemed dismissive. Even though I absolutely do believe, conceptually, that MLC's exist; I also believe the terms "MLC" are misused and over used. I say that in part b/c of MY own misuse of the term.

(Today I think of MLC as a "diagnosis of exclusion" ---like when a doctor says "it must be 'Virus X' b/c they ruled out other causes of a particular symptom"...)
and there are situations in which we simply have no rational explanation for what our partner is doing. Sometimes the only thing that makes sense, is to call what makes no sense, a "mid life crisis".


I used the term for my own h b/c His behavior and his choices were so out of character, that they blindsided me.
IMO, WE do not change our course of action if it is an MLC or a WAS

Wonka- I have looked in DB and DR, and I found zero differences in OUR responses for WAS/MLC.

But, I'm not "Invested" in that^^ statement. I'm not sure how crucial this label is to anyone.

My DB Coach was the first person to say "don't get so bogged down in whether this is an MLC or a WAH and what 'label' you stick on it, b/c you still have the same path ahead"...and I agree with that.

I need to repeat it for emphasis, I agree with that!


In our marriage, I didn't believe the man I thought my h was, could or would do what he did. Just ONE example: he always paid bills on time or even before they became due. For over 20 years, that was HIS pattern.

The year leading up his departure for "The Last Frontier" (his words) and unbeknownst to me, he stopped paying the bulk of our bills, including utilities. That was a NEW, and different behavior.

In my situation, it was absolutely a "diagnosis of exclusion" b/c I could not understand the changes in him that happened, OR why.

So to address WONKA's point --I agree such a thing as MLC exists. The term can help to "sort of" explain or at least label new, different behaviors that happen, (along with a few other "classic" signs")...

Those new, unexplainable and seemingly out of the blue-- those behaviors, are what I mean by the phrase "Mid life crisis". The timing of turning 40/50/60 can also factor in along with that, and or some major life event like losing a parent or sibling.

In YOUR CASE Matt, I think the term is moot for 2 reasons.

First - I don't think it applies to your wife's situation b/c It's NOT very new or very different behavior. Like you said, whether she was deeply depressed or is now anger fueled, the abnormal behaviors have been going on in some form, for 7 years.

You believe it was triggered by her father's re-entry into her life. That makes sense b/c of the timing & b/c he played such a big role in her childhood deficits, it's very possible that its related.

So what I read in what you have said Matt, is that your w's behavior fits a pattern of decline and distancing from you and the kids.. and now is culminating in her leaving the family home.

I can't say if that^^ is a "plot twist" for her MLC, or she's just "gotten worse" or if it's all just "Act IV" of her father's created drama,

but does it matter what label she gets?

Thanks owl!
For me the drama became "normal". It all started back when my W became depressed. I really tried to be a loving S. To be there for her through her illness. Well, as soon as she came around from the depression the MLC started and the drama just continued. It makes me wonder if the MLC isn't just a continuation of the depression or a desperate attempt by my W to stop feeling so depressed/anxious. At this point it makes no difference. I need to stop the old ways and find a new, better way for myself and my girls. Thanks for the kind words, owl!

"...at this point it makes no difference..."

BINGO!!! THAT ^^ is exactly what I'm saying.

I happen to believe that SOME people use the terms "MLC" to avoid looking in the mirror AND OR b/c they think there is a higher chance of reconciliation if it's MLC versus something else. I don't know if there is empirical data supporting that (I didn't find any) but I think the MLC term gets too much attention for the other reason, i.e. not doing our own work.

I spent a YEAR of my life calling my h's behavior an MLC and reading about it, but it never really answered the question "Why?" And it sure never gave me insight into what I needed to do for MY life!!

I will never understand why or how my h left us for a JOB in Alaska...but I still have to accept that he did.
& I still have to be responsible for my choices and behaviors and plot out my future.

I wonder if there really is a "good answer" for you Matt. As you said yourself, "what difference does it make?"

The path I needed to take was the same path I'd take, if my h were a WAH or MLCer.

I wasted a year asking "Why??" and "MLC???" - all about what my h was doing/thinking/feeling --

That is a year that slowed my own personal work down. Instead of labeling my h's behaviors as MLC or WAS, I could have spent that year on ME and MY children's growth and healing and GAL...My bitter feelings would have been processed faster and not on display so much for my kids to see...(ouch that hurts to admit, even now)

This is not an easy concept - but it IS simple (meaning, not complex).

You need not resist it so much.

If your w is a "WAW", you have to GAL, keep doing your 180s and create a new more fulfilling life for your children and yourself. You must do this. There is no healthy alternative to making yourself a happier man.


IF your w is in an MLC, you have to GAL and do 180s to create a new more fulfilling life for your children and yourself...you must do this. There is no healthy alternative to making yourself a happier man.

Same path for you. Same focus, which is YOU and your daughters...

not the past and not asking "why??" And not pointing at people who are not here to work on the marriage (i.e. your FIL or your w) b/c we offer them nothing...

Instead, figure out what traits in you exist, that YOU want to change. How YOU can become a better, happier more loving man. That's what I asked of you.
It is wonderfully clear.

That's your task in life, regardless of what is happening with your w.

And the great thing is, the pay off is the same either way; you becoming a better, happier man,

---no matter what...