Ok- I knew things were "off" for several months, but we got along great so I just thought we were in a slump or whatever. Then I started catching him in little lies. Stupid little things that would have made no difference to me- like he bought a gun without telling me (I have no objection to guns- we had several in the house already!!!) then he bought some other stuff and lied about it some more and then he got a new phone and didn't tell me and THAT's when I knew there was big trouble. That' was last August 2, and that was BD #1. I snapped out of my selfishness IMMEDIATELY. I went to IC and started BDing (by coincidence-didn't know this site existed then). I made important changes that have stuck, and he even admitted he noticed and that things got better but then on Dec 14, I was told he was moving out. It completely rocked my world. But, there really wasn't much more for me to "do" cuz I had been doing it already.
Now, my H is full-blown MLC. That did NOT help our sitch. Saying things like "I don't want any responsibility anymore", and "I can't be responsible for anyone else but me" and "I don't know who I am or who I will be when this is all over", "I can't undo what I did, so there's no point in trying"...You aren't MLC, your W just has no idea how bad things have gotten.
I "think" we could have staved off a lot of the mess if I had known the damage happening beforehand. No way to tell now, but the beginning of our story is identical to yours.
As I said, he made horrible decisions to ease the pain he was in instead of rocking the boat earlier to tell me he wasnt happy ( I have not been told the entire story, but I can fill in the blanks to what he has told me).
Honestly, I'm not sure I would have really gotten the message any other way. I was selfish, I took him for granted. I took the man who he WAS for granted. He literally was the nicest guy in the world- everybody would have agreed with that. He lost himself somewhere along the way.
I just assumed he would snap out of his funk and we would just trudge onward because he would never be one of "those guys". Lesson learned!
As I learned in church last week: sometimes He has to break you to remake you.
Bottom line: I had to learn my lesson the hard way. I will say he never made an attempt to sit me down and talk. He went passive-aggressive and acted out thinking I would "get the hint" (he told me this). That doesn't work. Don't do it. Talk to her- you literally have nothing to lose at this point.
Did that help? Feel free to ask any question you need to. Sorry you are hurting.
Yeah, that helped a lot.
And it’s also what I’m most afraid of.
I think my wife knows I’m hurting and feeling alone because I’ve said it, versus your husband not saying it. But we don’t talk about it because she immediately shuts down----last night when the conversation started she almost immediately got defensive. I tried to stop it, to have the conversation later so it didn’t escalate, but then she yelled just for that. This morning, she woke up mad with me.
He left and you felt bad. If I leave, she won’t feel bad---she’ll hate me and try to forget about me like she did some of her best friends, that’s what I’m afraid of.
I want to try talking to her again, I just don’t know what to say. I’m dealing with anger management so I don’t yell anymore (not that I yelled much, just when I broke down the first time about how lonely I felt before I found DB, but she yells at me more than I yell at anyone). But she isn’t trying. I can’t get her to try, it feels like.
Think about it realisticaly-----what would it have been like if your husband had come to you and, despite being nice and meeting your needs, he got upset that he felt alone and unloved? What if you had yelled at him? What can I do to make my wife CAPABLE of talking with me about anything important, let alone this gripping feeling that I want to leave like your husband did so I can be happy again?
