back in the game

[AJM]

It has taken me so long to get to a stage where I feel like I'm properly detaching (so much longer than it seems to take others) that I'm scared in truth of even opening myself up to a connection! So it's not just the decision it's seeing through the decision. So yes some sessions are the best way forwards

People have asked me why I come back and post. All these years have gone by, "he must be stuck" some might say.

One of the things I've found very helpful to me are the people that, out of the kindness of their hearts (I assume) come back and post about their post-divorce lives. People that we've seen and known on these boards over the years. What I also find is that we sometimes are looking to others to understand what "normal" is and get upset or anxious if we aren't on that track. We even get upset at those that are "taking too long" to get over it.

Let's face it, it's traumatic. I was 6 years a US Marine, my mother died when I was 16 after a two-year illness, my father head a major heart-attack during her illness and almost died, and so on... You can either say that I'm unlucky to know or you could say, that's life.

My mother was an only child. My grandfather was in the early stages of alzheimers when BD came about. My ex's nephew had just committed suicide, my mil was off the deep-end, and my job was being threatened. I live 3K miles from family.

Just after my Grandfather died, my sister was diagnosed with brain and spinal cancer.

What I'm getting at, is that there is stress if you look at it that way. Or it's just life.

What I also find is that online in venues such as this we sometimes hear the positives and think that this person or that person has it all together. Much like watching stories on TV, we watch people have fascinating and exciting and positive lives. The american dream is to watch somebody that was decimated and squished under the heel of the oppressive, but fought, clawed, and scratched their way back to a strong and vibrant "winner". It's even harder for woman of today, if you ask me. Very confusing and contradictory messages are sent out via various media types.

Are the people wrong? Are they miserable? Are they "hiding" something?

Or could it be that by nature, written, visual and auditory stories will project a life we want it to project. It's how we choose to "tell our story". To others, it appears we have it together and life is a bed of roses.

But coming back here and talking to people who have seen similar, be exposed to similar, and really digging in, we find the real pain of the days after. We are not comparing ourselves to others but rather telling our own story. And sometimes being ripped apart for it (that's ok, BTW). What we really get to do is to help those that have just begun this trip to see that the feelings and thoughts they have are OK although we may need to challenge them so they don't get too deeply ingrained as the real story of that persons life. Not that it isn't part of their life, but it's just one aspect.

And that's what it really comes back to. What is and has happened to you is just one aspect of your life, Matt. Try not to get caught up in seeing other people's posts and assuming they have moved on and are happy and carefree. They may no longer obsess about fixing things (first reaction to the pain, right?) and they may have found better scoping skills, but I guarantee you they all have scars and memories that are still there. They have just found a way to deal with it that works for them.

I won't downplay the position you're in. We're suggesting that you put your already burned hand in the fire for another round. At least on the surface that's what it seems like, no?

Many of us have been there and know it's hard. Know it hurts and is harder than letting them go. It really is easier to blame them, find ways to dislike them and soothe our egos and walk off into the sunset. Later we'll have a few drinks and pick ourselves up by our boot straps to live out the American dream, right?

Don't let the stories fool you. It's not the whole picture and it's not you that you're looking at. Talking to the counselor can help clarify those feelings and chop that mountain down to a mole hill. You deserve that and this is a great time to cross that bridge.

AJ