Dropping the rope

[T384]

I just still don't get who this person is. Was I with this manipulative liar all these years? And seriously, like your H GB, do they think we are stupid?

NO! The aliens have him!!

Just a brainstorm here:

MWD has some youtube video's (BTW, watch them all). But she has one on MLC (not suggesting your H is having one).

But watch the one on MLC.... Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHvV55IpAxk

At the 3:23 mark, she gives a great line to give.

Do NOT run out and do this today... or ever.

Much like you sometimes have kids basketball to see H, I had a common sport with our child where I would see W. I waited for a day where she seemed talkitive/friendly/happy. I asked her if she had a moment to talk. She seemed standoff-ish, but I said I would only take a minute or two:

And I dropped a form of that speech on her. I phrased it something like:

"I wanted to tell you, since we have been separated, I have had lots of time to reflect on things. And I need to tell you, that: I understand, I understand you need to take the time to have the same reflection and experiences without me as a distraction. I want you know I am stepping out of your way to do this.

I also want you to know I have not been the perfect husband, and if you feel there is something you want to or need to tell me about how I have disappointed you, I am open to hearing it. I will not defend my positions, I will not excuse them, I will not retort to any of them and I will not judge them."

Now, only contemplate doing this IF YOU MEAN IT. Because he very well could get back to you at some point, and "air his grievances".

While giving the above speech to my W did not stop our D snowball from rolling down the hill.... I did see a touch of it get through the fog and reach her. It was the first time I saw her have any kind of emotion in a while.

Is this something I should do even though he is heavily involved in his R with OW?

I heard through the grapevine it is causing problems at work. Apparently her father had to forbid her from coming to the shop because h isn't getting any work done. Now they just talk on the phone nonstop or text all day. His boss said he is very behind and not the same employee he used to be.

[T384]

And how will I know when/if to say this?

[woundedfool]

Is this something I should do even though he is heavily involved in his R with OW?

I don't think one has anything to do with the other.

I forgot to mention it, but for me this helped with my detachment. While I don't condone him having an A. I think the old cliche': "Set something free, if it comes back....." is pretty appropriate here.

I heard through the grapevine

While I TOTALLY subscribe to the believe none of what you hear....

I heard through the grapevine it is causing problems at work. Apparently her father had to forbid her from coming to the shop because h isn't getting any work done. Now they just talk on the phone nonstop or text all day. His boss said he is very behind and not the same employee he used to be.

Seems the couch may be losing its "new car" smell.....

[woundedfool]

And how will I know when/if to say this?

For me, it was something I held close to my chest for some time. I don't even know if I had the right time.

In my instance.... I practiced the speech for at least 2 weeks, until I could cite it word for word...

I stopped myself from doing it for another 3 weeks, because she missed one of the weeks, and seemed rather flustered/not happy the other 2 weeks (one of which she complained how bad/crappy of a day she had at work).

I delayed another week because her parents there with us.

I finally had a day where she was pleasant, talkative, asking if I had plans for the weekend, etc.

I asked her if I could talk to her in private for a few moments (that did put her on guard). But I said "don't worry, I'll be brief, and there is just something I feel the need to ler you know".

[T384]

I don't think I'm anywhere close to having him be ready for that conversation. But I do think it's something I need to do

He's not at the point to ask me anything. Last Wednesday was the first 'good' practice we had. And he initiated text for 2 days after that. I need him to be much more talkative to me and need it to be consistent I think in. Order to say those things.

I don't want to scare him off since I don't even think he's barely peaked his head out
of the shell

[woundedfool]

I don't think I'm anywhere close to having him be ready for that conversation. But I do think it's something I need to do

He's not at the point to ask me anything. Last Wednesday was the first 'good' practice we had. And he initiated text for 2 days after that. I need him to be much more talkative to me and need it to be consistent I think in. Order to say those things.

I don't want to scare him off since I don't even think he's barely peaked his head out
of the shell

I think it is a good sign you are keenly aware this may not be the right time.

Again, I am NOT suggesting you do this (although it may seem I like I am). It felt right for me, and I would not change how or when I did it.

[Georgiabelle]

TO,

I think it's probably not the time for his discussion. I see what Woundedfool is saying, as you may or may not ever have this chat.

Keep going:-)

[T384]

Well I do think something similar to that needs to be brought up. Like I said we've never really sat and talked. I just got an I'm unhappy it's over. It's a hard pill to swallow and I don't expect to ever get any answers that are genuinely the truth. I did get a lot of insight to the OW over the weekend and knowing my H I'm
Pretty sure I've figured out how everything played out.

I've been having crazy dreams lately that H has come home and I told him I couldn't forgive him. It has happened the last 3 nights I wake up feeling like it was so real!

I will be waiting a long time before I bring this up because it may be the only chance I get and I need to make sure it's right in the timing, sentiment, and word choice. Probably a few months down the road

[woundedfool]

Well I do think something similar to that needs to be brought up. Like I said we've never really sat and talked. I just got an I'm unhappy it's over. It's a hard pill to swallow and I don't expect to ever get any answers that are genuinely the truth. I did get a lot of insight to the OW over the weekend and knowing my H I'm
Pretty sure I've figured out how everything played out.

I've been having crazy dreams lately that H has come home and I told him I couldn't forgive him. It has happened the last 3 nights I wake up feeling like it was so real!

I will be waiting a long time before I bring this up because it may be the only chance I get and I need to make sure it's right in the timing, sentiment, and word choice. Probably a few months down the road

I was a little worried if I brought this up, I might be adding a layer of complexity

It felt right in my instance (so your miles may vary).... but I did not do this to get anything off MY chest, or to get the how's/why's when's from W. I was never expecting to get a response from her (I guess, that all of a sudden after that speech, she would then open the gates to really open up and talk). I meant what I said, and was sincere about allowing her the opportunity to get what SHE needed to get off her chest.

I also did it simply to acknowledge I really did understand I had fault in our M and to validate her feelings (not that her actions were valid, rather, her perspective of our M was valid).

Also, regardless of my opinions... I would still strongly urge you to watch the MWD youtube video's.

[T384]

I will watch the video tonight. I watched a few of hers on YouTube awhile back and I'm pretty sure you are the one that gave me the links.

So I don't know how to explain in words exactly how I feel about what you meant by saying that to your W. I totally agree. I did have fault in our M. However, and I don't mean this arrogantly, I don't believe EITHER of our faults in the M were worth him cheating with someone else whether it was EA or PA. I'm pretty sure it was EA until he left. I am totally wanting to listen to him and hear his grievances. However it is hard for me to want to do that while he has someone else in the picture that is so involved/controlling.

I also struggle because what he has told other people why he left are things that could have been fixed if he really communicated. I am by no means eradicating my faults to our M but just trying to explain my thoughts as clear as I can via the internet lol. I just struggle with if you were so unhappy why have a contractor come over why make plans for the future to just leave one day. I know your W did something similar.

Sorry if this is all over the place. I guess I just believe people deserve a chance to make things right and people deserve to know something is wrong instead of discussing it with other people. He felt there was no point in talking tome about it. I know that is my fault for I guess making him feel that way but if I made you feel that way and you don't tell me I never know.