We talked Thursday night about what we were going to sign, I told him that I would agree to signing a calendar so we have some consistency and I can do things with the children on the weekends too.
He said he thought we should go ahead & file for divorce and streamline the visitation and divorce together. He said we can always " pull the plug on the divorce later, if we did not want that." He said "this isnt going back together with us like I thought it would." Not trying to mind read here but I think it's because I have always been so passive and he's basically done whatever he wants. I told him I really did not want to do that right now. He said we could get an attorney together & I could make a list of what I wanted. I explained that people generally don't use the same attorney, but that I did not want to talk about that right now.
I have a 3 month old baby with some serious medical issues. I asked him stability for all of our children is best right now. And especially baby so he can get more medically stable. I feel like I got drug into another relationship talk with this. I told him he initially said 4 or 5 weeks ago that he would keep things the same for 6 months bills wise. So I told him take your 6 months. That I really need to focus on baby medical issues and get him to a better place physically. I will be taking baby to another specialist in the next 4-6 weeks.
I did ask what his two issues are- 1. He felt like he should have had more of a say in deciding if & when we had baby #3. 2. That after we went to marriage counseling 4 years ago after baby #2 was born that not much has changed. We went to marriage counseling for about 3 months. He said he recognizes that at that time his drinking was out of control and he was verbally abusive. Which is all true. He said he had made those changes and still does not see a big difference in who I am.
He also said that he was not going to live the rest of his life with me thinking he is a liar, and having this brought up forever. (See previous post where I posted our text messages)
I tried to validate his feelings and that he had made changes in the past few years. He says he feels like things have changed so much since we had kids. That our sex life isn't spontaneous anymore. He says I'm not the same as I was 5 years ago.
Friday night we printed out a calendar and he will come back to our home Fri night - Sun nights every other weekend. I was a little upset when we signed the calendar. And he says to me "this is what you wanted, this is what you are going to get."
From bomb drop until now he has still been coming home every weekend. Being distant but not rude. Sleeping in guest room.
Because I know the situation with OW, I really felt like he was cake eating. I was still doing dinners, baths, kids ready for bed etc.
I feel like I may have made the decision to do every other weekend based on emotions. But I feel like I needed it for my own sanity & to help me detach. I really hate it for my kids.
I can't play family with someone every weekend in front of my kids when he is living another life.
So this past weekend was his weekend with kids.
I went away to the beach for the weekend with the baby. Before I left, I told him I wasn't sure this was the right way to handle things. (I was a bit emotional about leaving my kiddos.) He responded that he didnt feel there was a right or wrong way to handle divorce. Last Sunday he told me he wasn't sure things were over with us. I'm so confused. I know that he knows I will wait for him.
I know that DB is about me. And I am really working hard on digging into some issues in the marriage and things I can 180.
Over the weekend I realized that I have been a bit cold & probably bitchy to him. I became resentful of what I was sacrificing and what he was doing. He is out to dinner every night. Always at concerts, fishing trips etc. And then other previous events that let doubts about honesty creep in.
I have stayed home to raise our children, 3 hours away.
My emotional needs were not being met. We have major communication issues and I feel very controlled by money.
Backstory on money is my husband makes very good money, he pays all the bills, he has his own bank accounts that I don't even have access to see. He writes me a weekly allowance check which I deposit into our joint account for groceries, target, kids clothes & my cell phone bill. He has me budgeted down to the dollar. I never worried about it because I trusted him and we always had money. Now I'm not sure I trust anything about him. I started looking into finances and last week alone he spent $500 on a cell phone, $600 concert tickets, $150+ dinner two nights, and various miscellaneous purchases. And this isn't on a credit card this is coming out of his Checking account. His dinner for one night is what he gives me for groceries for me & 3 kids for the week & him to eat when he is here on weekends.
I've always known he was quite selfish about money & he definitely views everything as his. I worked and had a career up until we had our first child when we decided I should stay home with our children. That was 6 years ago.
I also finally spoke to one of his good friends wives. They got divorced last year over some stuff that happened with her husband & my husband. I don't know all the details. I know they were at a strip club & her husband basically hired one of the girls for prostitution. My husband says he had nothing to do with that and he was just at the strip club. This happened in the town where my husband works all week. This was not acceptable to me at all. But I believed his story of "we got drunk & just decided to go." I see now that I have been doing rug sweeping of his behavior. Well in talking to friends ex wife, she tells me today that she wanted me to know that she did not know how involved my husband was in the prostitute thing but she does know of another friend of hers who said when her husband and my husband were out one night- that my husband was "blowing her phone up." I'm not sure I want to be married to a serial cheater. Although my husband has always been flirtatious; I know him well enough to know that women don't really mean much to him. I have known him since he was 21. He has no prob getting rid of girlfriends.
All in all, I guess I'm trying to put a puzzle together to find out if some of these things are deal breakers for me & if I should DB to improve myself and save my marriage or walk away with my head held high.
I do have joy in my heart and my life. My circumstances right now don't make me happy. I have a new baby that I'm so thankful that he lived. And our other 2 kids are so fun. I think I'm planning on doing a bar-b-q at my house for july 4. Have a few things planned with other mom friends. I'm okay with him being away because he has worked out of town for 2 years, so in a lot if ways I feel like I do have my own life too. Although I'm not seeing other men.
I can do the work to resolve my issues in the marriage but I'm not sure if I would ever feel like an equal partner to him and if I would ever know the truth surrounding these events.
I know I need to focus on myself and forget what he is doing. But for my financial well being and my three children. I can't just not focus on what he is doing and just say that I want to stay married no matter what. He took our boat down to his work town this week to use for the 4th July. I know I will prob never see the boat again.
I don't trust him right now that he would not keep paying the car payment, car insurance & giving me money to live on. He has threatened saying "what if I just stop paying the bills?" I don't think he would do this, but I would have never believed 2 months ago that he would having a woman stay in his room with him while on a "fishing" trip.
I have spoke to a couple of attorneys so I do know what my rights are.
He is building a second/vacation home right now, it will be complete in 2 months. And I know that he plans on paying off a large business loan when the house is complete. Right now that is considered marital debt.
I also think its of importance to note, that he very strongly feels that once he told me he wanted a break that he was free to do whatever he wants.
Trying to be dark with him but I have to have some minor communication with him because of our children's ages. And the fact that I am responsible for everything at our home- which is on 1 acre with a pool to take care of also.
I believe that not seeing him for 2 weeks will help me detach.
Any advice on anything I'm doing right or doing wrong? Any help is appreciated. Thanks so much!
H:40 Me:35 D5 S4 S3 months Married 8 years Together 17 years BD: 5/23/2014
