In addition, my (ahem) physical needs are speaking up. Without the timeline I have in mind, this would have been a very easy week to just call it a day.
It does feel unsettling at this point in time waiting this out. It has been 3 months since we last saw each other. I think part of the reason that I am feeling this way is that our W anniversary is coming up in a few days.
Part of me wants to send her some sort of token to let her know that our M still means something to me despite everything. Not flowers or anything outwardly romantic. Something that would say 'I love you but I am not going to stop you leaving'.
M:36 W:34 T:9,M:4 Me,WAH:7/2011 My apology:12/2012 Her,WAW:01/2013 ILYBINILWY:4/2013 W's EA:5/2013 Sep:9/2013 2nd EA signs:03/2014
I wouldn't recognize the anniversary unless she does first. It's kind of maudlin and a little bit clingy.
I'd suggest instead that you amp up your own self care. Schedule something you want to do. Or surround yourself with your most supportive friends for a night out. Go bungee jumping or try something new that you've never done before.
Then IF she texts you or calls, you can be the friend you need to be. Right?
FYI, my wedding anniversary is in September. It was 9 months after he moved out. I was pretty weepy, but I had been DBing for awhile and opted not to acknowledge it to him. But he surprised me and called me. I was more than surprised at how emotional he was. So I decided to leave my own emotion out of it and let him express his in full (since he's hardly ever inclined to emote - and back then, especially to me). It was then that I truly understood how difficult and confusing this path was for him. Our anniversary is always one that we both kind of get sad about. After 9 years being D, I often wonder why. But it doesn't really matter. It just IS.
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In addition, my (ahem) physical needs are speaking up. Without the timeline I have in mind, this would have been a very easy week to just call it a day.
Just a gentle reminder that you always have choices, DB. And if you get to the point in this process where there is no turning back, you'll know.
Any good plans for the 4th?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
In addition, my (ahem) physical needs are speaking up. Without the timeline I have in mind, this would have been a very easy week to just call it a day.
It does feel unsettling at this point in time waiting this out. It has been 3 months since we last saw each other. I think part of the reason that I am feeling this way is that our W anniversary is coming up in a few days.
Part of me wants to send her some sort of token to let her know that our M still means something to me despite everything. Not flowers or anything outwardly romantic. Something that would say 'I love you but I am not going to stop you leaving'.
Heh. Biology can be a b1tch. FWB are always great for that, but probably not gonna help rebuild your M. Tough it out as long as you can. If that doesnt work...well...
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I hear you loud and clear Betsey (well, almost...I had to look up maudlin). Yes, my mantra with the interactions with her are: 'validate' (the thread on that is a lifesaver) and 'be the friend she has always wanted me to be', with a number of stipulations and clauses that I will not pursue her as the objective...(yeah...I'm still working on this one).
No gifts from me to her.
And for now mind over matter.
Organizing a large picnic with friends this weekend. It will be the first time I will be seeing most of them since W has began to tell them she is done. Not as worried about this as I may have been a few months ago but still some nervousness.
It was then that I truly understood how difficult and confusing this path was for him. Our anniversary is always one that we both kind of get sad about. After 9 years being D, I often wonder why. But it doesn't really matter. It just IS.
Something you alluded to in advice you gave to me: Love does not end with D. It just IS. And I don't necessarily mean romantic love. You will always stay connected with you XH especially as you both brought D20 & D17 into this world. I can understand why the anniversary would still make both of you sad.
Lol! Thanks Pilot. Yes, it will only lead to another huge issue to deal with. The gym and running like mad (picture mad man sprints) sort of help. Saving the cold showers for emergencies.
My D17 is developmentally disabled and is absolutely blessed with an inability to hold grudges and hurt. She loves unconditionally and continues to be a role model for my family. Every day is groundhog day with her.
My D20 now hardly remembers life where we all lived together. She's well adjusted and I haven't hesitated to put her into IC when I felt she needed to process. (You can't do that with a 20 year old LOL. I just guide her to make good decisions for herself now.) She admits that she would have preferred us to remain a family under one roof. But she doesn't hesitate to let everyone know that she has been blessed to have the situation that worked for her. After our first disastrous year of separation--where we took turns on holidays with the kids, who were 9 and 6 then--we all decided it svcked and committed to sharing holidays to include both of us. It's been modified some years (when I take the girls to my parents in VA or he takes them to his dad's in MT), but for the most part, we spend holidays together as a family.
I won't go into the saga of what really brought us back to sharing time with each other (club volleyball), so just suffice it to say that we're in a really good place now. I did it for the girls, but also for me. I had to know what it was like to forgive someone and allow God's grace and forgiveness in the process. Because I wasn't 100% in the right either.
No plans here. My D20 works at Maggiano's and is probably going to have to work. My D17 and I will figure something out by then. We always do.
Take care and be nice to yourself this long weekend!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I had to know what it was like to forgive someone and allow God's grace and forgiveness in the process. Because I wasn't 100% in the right either.
Really grateful to have you here Betsey, sharing your wisdom with me. This is something I am wrestling with after last night's phone call to W.
We had agreed to talk last night to on home & finances. I called but was feeling completely off balance. We barely talked for ten minutes. Some very awkward small talk before we talked about the separation agreement.
Me: I thought about what you said and I will stay in the house. We should get a separation agreement though. What do you feel about that?
W: I agree, that would be a good idea but I don't know much about it.
Me: Okay, I will forward you the info.
She sounded very calm and cordial during the call. The irony is that stung like hell. Her new demeanor is striking for me because for the past year and a bit, her interactions with me were largely cold and hostile.
We both sensed the call was getting very awkward and quickly said goodbye.
My D17 is developmentally disabled and is absolutely blessed with an inability to hold grudges and hurt. She loves unconditionally and continues to be a role model for my family. Every day is groundhog day with her.
My D20 now hardly remembers life where we all lived together. She's well adjusted and I haven't hesitated to put her into IC when I felt she needed to process. (You can't do that with a 20 year old LOL. I just guide her to make good decisions for herself now.) She admits that she would have preferred us to remain a family under one roof. But she doesn't hesitate to let everyone know that she has been blessed to have the situation that worked for her. After our first disastrous year of separation--where we took turns on holidays with the kids, who were 9 and 6 then--we all decided it svcked and committed to sharing holidays to include both of us. It's been modified some years (when I take the girls to my parents in VA or he takes them to his dad's in MT), but for the most part, we spend holidays together as a family. ... No plans here. My D20 works at Maggiano's and is probably going to have to work. My D17 and I will figure something out by then. We always do. grin
Take care and be nice to yourself this long weekend!
You are really blessed to have them. Very inspiring to see how you and XH took their needs into consideration. Enjoy the long weekend with them.
She's well adjusted and I haven't hesitated to put her into IC when I felt she needed to process. (You can't do that with a 20 year old LOL. I just guide her to make good decisions for herself now.) She admits that she would have preferred us to remain a family under one roof. But she doesn't hesitate to let everyone know that she has been blessed to have the situation that worked for her. After our first disastrous year of separation--where we took turns on holidays with the kids, who were 9 and 6 then--we all decided it svcked and committed to sharing holidays to include both of us. It's been modified some years (when I take the girls to my parents in VA or he takes them to his dad's in MT), but for the most part, we spend holidays together as a family. 