Yes, I've been doing a lot of thinking on this. "probably wise" isn't the strongest endorsement, but it might be as good as it can be.

What it comes down to is that right now, my W isn't really preventing me from doing anything that I would be doing if I were D'd or D'ing, except for having a R, which I morally couldn't, and which I'm in no mood for anyway.

I am able to go out, make new friends, enjoy myself. I wouldn't call it aggressively moving on, but I'm doing enough to keep me happy, and I'm making connections in case I ever have to ramp back into full independence mode.

In the meantime, I have full access to my kids every day.

And every day, W has to live her lie, look her kids in the eye, and convince herself that what she is doing is better than "staying in a bad marriage". And she may have little respect left for me anymore, but I can't imagine she's enjoying life, with a relationship she has to hide, and hanging on every little chirp of her cellphone.

If I pull the trigger, W will make me out to be the villain to everyone who will listen, and the kids. She may wish I would do that. Lets her off the hook. I'm going to leave that heavy lifting to her, for now, as long as it's to my advantage.

I think I can wait her out. She'll either take action, or break, or the clock will run out. I don't know that we'll even be able to have an R again - I have so little respect for what she's doing, or for her "besties" who condone it or help her cover it up, or for any man who would date a married woman. That's just my value system, and I have to keep that in check. I'll leave the future for the crystal ball though.

All I know is that my kids need me right now. D13 is at a formative time. If I D or separate (I don't think I see any benefit to separation, ever), that leaves them at least 50% of the time with W, who is as self-centered right now as I have ever seen anyone. I fear for D13 in that situation. And when I heard that MIL thought I should get the kids in the event of a D, because W won't be able to take care of them, well, wow.

And all the issues of doormat, plan B, self respect, etc., well, I'm still mulling those. A lot of it is just overcoming ego and pride. Pragmatism. An A makes you plan B - cope. Self respect is completely a function of me living within my own boundaries. Open marriage is still one I have to grapple with. I have some boundary setting to figure out for both me and the kids.