Your posts today absolutely shook my foundation: you are my H about 2 years ago. I am your W up until a year or 6months ago. I don't think I realized what he was thinking, truly, until I read some of what you posted.
We also had great sex until we married. About that time, I went though a depression- not severe, but enough that it killed my libido and made my personality a bit "off". He took it personally even though I explained it wasn't him. Nothing I did made me feel better, medication included. I eventually came out of it, but it was too late. He had stopped trying.
I also have a history of cutting people out of my life who hurt me- I could hold a grudge like a champ! He referenced it several times. He also was afraid to bring things up to me because of it.
I empathize and sympathize with you because your sitch is a mirror to mine, opposite roles. I get it, NOW.
let me tell you this: I changed. I am truly a better person than I was last year on every level. If my H would take off his blinders he would experience how I would be a better W, and our M could be amazing. Your W can change, however, she's gonna need some real motivation to do so.
What do you have to lose? The confrontation you are avoiding WILL happen sooner or later. Don't be like my H is now: because he was so afraid of the inevitable confrontation, he made horrible choices based on desperation and emotion. He lost his integrity and tells me frequently that his life is "a mess" and "horrible" and he "can't undo what he did". All because he never communicated honestly with me.
I absolutely played a huge role in the deterioration of our M. But he has allowed fear to rule and destroy his life.
You need to take the reins right now- for both of your futures. As I said, you have nothing to lose. Your M won't survive the way it is now, so why not give it a chance by forcing her to come to terms with the issues?
Wishing we all had a time machine, Artsy
What would have helped you?
I mean, you sound just like my wife. I don't want it to come to that, and I'm feeling like I'm unwilling to let it come to that, in particular because of the advice here and education from books and therapy.
But this is perfect because it's you that's so much like my wife yet didn't know until it was too late.
So can I ask your advice?
What would you have wanted to hear from your husband?
For example, I'm afraid my wife may have some depression BECAUSE I'm depressed....so I don't want to bring it up to make it worse? I don't want to be selfish and I'm terrified of her cutting me off like she did some of her old friends.
What do you think he could have said or done that would have helpedyou become part of the solution? I think that too would help her own esteem or ego boost, but getting her there, I know conflict resolution is important but she doesn't.
Would a separation have helped you? Or do you think you actually would have been able to listen to him say the things you think would have helped, and if so, how would he have said them to best help you? Again, I know it's all clear in hindsight, but my wife doesn't have that right now and I don't know how to talk to her---------the letter-writing part scares me most because if I write the wrong thing she'll latch on to specific words or phrases and she'll hate me for them plus she'll have a permanent record of them to remind her to resent me rather than a force to remind her to love me, see why I'm afraid?
