Hi MM, I understand that you are "trying" to change your thoughts and actions. I still see that you are so attached to getting HIM to see how wonderful you are and if he doesn't, that you feel rejected or somehow that makes you less "attractive" or that you must be somehow "lacking". This isn't true! Stop putting your self worth into how Xbf or ANYONE else see's you or thinks of you! If after 20 years together he can just stop feeling "love" for you or chooses to just throw away so much shared history, that is a reflection of HIM, not you! Mature love requires effort on both sides. He refuses to make that effort and HE is poorer for it, NOT YOU!
Until you can stop tying your own self worth to what HE thinks of you or your R, you will never move forward. You need to start to see his games for what they are, his way of feeling good about himself that he can control you. He is a damaged person. The way he has treated you, his partner of so many years, the person who was there for him through thick and thin shows he isn't worthy of you and all that you can bring into his life, not the other way around. And until you are able to stop proving to him that, like you said, you want to be there for him and help him, he will never be able to see what life without you always being available when he needs you, on HIS terms, is like, he will see you as LESS than him!
What would you think of a guy who was pursuing you, even after you have made it CLEAR to him you had no desire for him? Who you have told many times in many ways he just isn't someone you want in your life? You would laugh at him and tell all your girlfriends what a jerk he is! You would think there must be something wrong with him that he just can't understand you aren't interested in him but he keeps making a fool out of himself chasing after you. Until you stop chasing your exbf, you are no different than that guy. At this point the past history you have with him doesn't matter. He has decided to see that time differently than you remember it anyway.
Time to GAL apart from him and keep moving AWAY from him. Drop the hope along with the rope. Except that he just isn't able to see you for the great person you are, at least not now. If that were ever to change you will know it and if you have your own life apart from him, it would be up to you whether you will take him back into your life if that ever happens!
