Well, I didn't login over the weekend after all. But you've been getting some terrific feedback from the others that posted to you.
Wounded fool asked a question that I also asked a few days ago about patterns... it would be great if you could really tap into that, because there is a fear based belief system that you are clinging to that is no longer working for you.
I do understand that it is mighty difficult to listen to a spew. There is a fine line to draw here, and if he's being abusive or deliberately cruel, I would suggest you tell him point blank, "I'm more than happy to discuss your feelings with you, but I won't do it when you're cruel and angry or disrespectful. I'm a human with feelings too." And then walk out until cooler heads prevail.
However, if it's merely hurtful content, I urge you to get his feedback. Your responses to what he has to say will help us, and besides, just because he says it doesn't mean his POV is "the truth".
Wonka has a thread here in Newcomers called Validation Cheat Sheet that I suggest you read and digest. They're great ways to listen, NOT offer advice, and amp up the empathy thing.
To answer your question from Friday, yes, I started this journey in January 2003 and my D was final in May 2005. My XH was my friend before we started dating, and we have 2 kids (now 20 and 17). Our youngest is developmentally disabled, and I knew I was going to have to co-parent with him for the rest of our lives. So it gave me double the reasons to DB him. Plus as I mentioned to you before, I was unhappy and had the tendency to blame others for how I felt. I wound up really working on myself and found out a whole lot in the process. I didn't like who I saw either. It wasn't for him that I decided to change. It was for me. I asked the Lord to change what was in my own black, defensive heart and He replied in kind. It wasn't easy.
I consider myself a success for that reason. I have skills and tools that help me in all facets of my life - especially my parenting. And to really ice my own cake, I got my friend back. We truly care about one another and the behaviors speak way louder than the words. I won't lie and say it was easy. But it sure was worth the effort. I'm not perfect, and I do have to continue to work on those parts of myself that I don't always like. My D20 calls me out sometimes, which is always helpful.
I'll try to make this inner quest a little easier for you. The root of all my evils and trust issues began with an overly active fear of abandonment. You know what people who are afraid of that do? They act out in ways that push others away. And that is exactly what I did to get where I got. It took a great deal of time separating the issues, examining them, and figuring out how they no longer worked for me.
There's a reason you're where you are too. I'd *love* for you to sit down and think and then share some thoughts you mull from Wounded Fool's questions.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
