First, realize that there is no immediate remedy to your pain. It stinks and it stinks big time. So, get comfortable with all the negative feelings you are experiencing. Feel through them and then let go. It looks like the initial shock has not worn off yet. You're feeling a surge of emotions and it will feel like a roller coaster from day to day. Take comfort that you are not alone and the things your W is saying and doing are driven by fear. It's hard to apply the "believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see" when your S is leaving you in the dark. Or, if she is putting all the blame on you. But, as the days go by and you start having a life it will be easier to manage the pain. Just when you think the worst is over...there's more. So, prepare yourself mentally for the worst this way you will not be hijacked by your own emotions. And, of course know how you will respond when you do learn/discover something new.
It's only been six weeks for me and it feels like eternity. I've relied heavily on my faith to get me through my lowest moments. I pray, read books, talk to close friends who are pro M, post on this site, go to IC, speak to a DB coach, and re-read the same books so I don't fall off the wagon. The hardest thing to control right now are your thoughts...the negative ones. Your physiological response creates a sort of frenzy in your body that your mind will find ways to alleviate it.
If you're applying the DR techniques, make a journal of your progress to refer back to when you become discouraged. Any small positive step is still a step so celebrate it. Remember that this stuff takes time and it will require all your patience if you're truly sincere in making your M work. If hypothetically your W is having a A...what are your thoughts on this? Write it down. How will you respond and feel about it? What will you do? And, even is she comes out with it and is remorseful be prepared for it to continue.
In the mean time I will echo what everyone else will say if they haven't already...GAL! Take care of yourself. Turn things around by loving yourself. Go to the gym, try a new hobby, do something totally different that your W will never expect you to do and then record her responses. If she notices...you're on the right track. At first, the changes in you will seem questionable to her and she may even become angry with you. This happened to me but I just kept on. Eventually, I realized that the changes I made were for me and not for him. I was starting to like myself. I recaptured a little bit of my confidence back.
Post often if it helps you to calm your mind. There are a lot of good people here that are rooting for you. You've made a conscious decision to preserve your M rather than running away from your problems...that's worth a big pat on the back.
