Hurt and Confussed

[Paz2014]

Oad,

I noticed that my H does the same thing. He likes to flip the board on me and this makes me question my sanity...well, memory...sanity sounds more dramatic so I'll go with that. I can't believe the person he is turning into or is being right now--dishonest, petty, manipulative... Oh, i'm sure she can come up with more crazy stuff. You know what you tried to do. The hard part is getting over the fact that your effort was not received in the way you wanted her to. Naturally, this makes you feel like it's your fault--that you could have tried harder. Don't get caught in this mindset.

Dealing with the "work friends" is tough for me too. Your W will tend to gravitate towards those who favor a "yes" stance on her situation. It's unfortunate but just pray (if you're the type to) that she will be convicted. Frankly, she is otherwise she would not feel any sadness. So, even though the emotions she is feeling or expressing towards you are negative be thankful that she's feeling anything at all. Okay, not thankful but hopeful. This shows an internal struggle and that 's good. If you think about it...how much more would you appreciate it if she was completely emotionally removed from the situation? As if all feelings have been replaced or invested in someone else? I think this would hurt more. And, once she has broken that line of trust between the two of you, there isn't anything that's off limits. Which means, she is so out of it that she will expose the most intimate details of your R to get anyone to side with her and justify her actions. My H is doing it too.

I know that the "friend" role is not as comforting right now but it's not necessarily bad either. I suppose how you approach the friend thing is what makes the difference. Friends can be lovers...eventually. So, try looking at it from that perspective rather than the other kind of friend that is completely devoid of any romantic potential.

[oad]

thank you CMF....I guess you are right, before I started detaching and being somewhat indifferent but friendly towards her she was always mad and angry...now as of late she seems sad and lost, that's what her family tells me because infront of me she acts like everything is awesome...I really hope your sich improves, im gonna go read your story now.

[pilot]

Well while my wife is out of town I took the kids to her brothers house to swim in his pool and play with their cousins..The family has been very supportive of me and feel she is making a huge mistake. while there her cousin told me that the only hope I have is that she seems to be very sad(they all tell me this). But she also told me that W was telling her that she has some friends at work that are divorced and "fell out of love" and are telling her that they never been happier and that not to worry that she will be fine. She also mentioned things about our sex life that it was dull and that she would ask me to spicen things up and I would say no. Complete lie...I was the one that would ask her to do these things, ive been complaining for years(my wife has never been the kinky sex type) so now she is convincing herself that she wanted it and I didn't give it to her???? how much more crazy crap can she come up with...do I keep pulling away?? she says she wants to be my friend because that's how it started??? im scared if I commit to the friend crap that that's where we will stay and she will feel better about the divorce thinking im cool with it to...man this sux..don't know really how to handle this...any vets or anyone care to chime in?

Just remember she will rewrite your M history. So do not take to heart what she says about it. And yes, whether it is as work or somewhere else, there will always be someone to encourage her to get D. But it sounds as if her family is not encouraging it, so you know there is at least a counter to those work friends. At the end of the day, no friend or family member is going to convince her to stay or leave. That is up to you and how you present yourself. If you remain the same person she fell out of love with, she will leave. If you become the person only a fool would leave, well, she does not want to be a fool!

Keep up the hard work!

[oad]

Thank you pilot...its just hard, next week she leaves on our annual family beach vacation, this is the 1st time in 15 years I wont be there, all her family say that they will greatly miss me this year. They don't agree with what she is doing, but they don't try to convince her anymore. Her dad tells me that this is what she thinks she wants and for me to stay focused and keep my eye on target. So basicly she only has those who encourage her that she listens to...I know for a fact next week will be hard for her...and for me. pilot it is good to know im not alone, wish sandi2 would chime in...she gave me great advice that I have been sticking to.

[pilot]

You are approaching this from an non detached point of view. Your viewpoint should be you do not care if she is happy or sad on this vacation. Your only concern should be what you are going to be doing during that time. Do not even think about that vacation or the fact that you are missing it for the first time in 15 years. It is just a trip. And forget about what other people are telling her. I know it is tough and you want to have that advocate out there pushing your agenda. Well, you DO have that advocate. The strongest one in fact. And that is YOU. It is not words that will matter, it is actions. Focus on your actions. That means GAL and 180 and DETACH.

[oad]

I have a quick question....tomorrow my W returns from her trip to vegas, she gets to the house around 11 pm. Im staying at the house and when she returns im leaving back to my dads place. Should I ask how her trip was or just say hi and that im tired and leave? Im following what sandi2 suggested which was be indifferent. today there was no contact so far.

[pilot]

Best answer? Detach and do not think about when she returns. If she begins a conversation and wants to tell you about Vegas, she will. If she does not want to talk about it and you ask, how does that help you?

Just wait and see, then play it by ear. Planning is not detaching.

[oad]

thanks pilot...looks like staying at my house and being surrounded by all our pictures has thrown me back a little..but only DB friends know it

[oad]

well W texted me to have the girls call her, so I dialed and gave the girls the phone and left to the other room, I heard my youngest tell her "do you want to talk to daddy..yes or no", then she got excited and said daaaaaaaad mommy wants to talk to you...

W- hi

M- hey

W- I just wanted to see how things where going over there?

M- going good the girls are having fun.

W- good (then she gave me her flight info and that she is coming home super late..and she is there with our friend and her husband, she kind of stressed that and that they will be giving her a ride from airport)

M- say hi to John for me

W- I will...soooo I just wanted to see how things where there.

M- good, how about there?

W- (she seemed to get happy) oh they are going very good.

M- ok well talk to you later

W- (now she seemed to drop back down) oh ok bye

M- bye

normally I would ask what did you do today...are you having fun..who is there..where are you now...etc etc...I think she is getting a little confused at the 180. She is used to me telling her to have a safe flight, have fun etc etc....now here is the pickle, she will be arriving like at midnight. Should I just say fudge it and go to sleep in my bed...or wait up and leave when she gets here?

[oad]

I guess if it gets too late ill stay....hell this is my house too. If she is bothered I can tell her that she can set up shop on the couch.