^^^ this is the kind of thing I was suggesting to tell her you are afraid it will come to if she continues to refuse to communicate. I was suggesting that, instead of dropping the bomb on her after you have convinced yourself that there is no hope (like my WAH did to me), that you open up to her about your fears and concerns about the affect on the marriage.
Don't make it all about sex... it is more than that. It is about two people being willing to support each other and solve problems together. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Does she want it to work?
My H waited until he felt totally hopeless before opening up to me. Don't do that to your W.
I wouldn’t wait to open up until I feel totally hopeless. But I’m losing hope with every time I get rejected for trying to open up, despite not even mentioning or suggesting anything having to do with sex. She hasn’t taken any real steps. That’s the trick, isn’t it?
For example, another comment asked what if it were another issue, such as if she was a smoker and I didn’t like it, or if I had a problem with her being obese (she is, and I don’t have a problem with it), or anything else, but I can’t talk to her about it and that becomes the issue.
But separation?
That won’t work for her. That will be permanent.
She has a history of dropping even her best friends permanently instead of working out conflicts, including very minor ones. Suggesting separation, I mean, the idea sounds great and I think maybe some time apart would potentially be the only way she will find it IN HERSELF to try to make the marriage better (instead it’s just me asking, which she interprets as pressuring her, or me being needy, etc.), except she will simply drop me. I’m afraid the real solution is to be ok with her leaving me because I won’t settle for someone unwilling to put forth the effort in a marriage, but if that’s the case, then she’s gone. She’ll leave. She’ll turn it into hate and use that to justify her hate for me for the rest of her life. Of course, I can’t bring that up either (my fear of her leaving me like she’s left so many good friends) because then I look weak and why would she want to be married to that?
I feel stuck. I don’t want to “punish” her but I’m afraid any boundaries I try to set are going to be interpreted by her as punishment. Of course, I don’t want to leave either-----all I really want is for the things I do that make her so happy to be enough to make it possible for her not to harbor resentment towards me for feeling like I need to talk to her about anything. She hates “work.” It’s not fun. Why would she want to do something that’s not fun? I’m afraid the harsh truth is no, it’s not worth it for her to try to make the marriage strong because it’s not worth any compromise whatsoever.
So I wait and fake being as happy as I make her and I go to therapy alone and I’m stuck. I walk into the bedroom to find my wife watching movies about people who have sex, I read about how helpful make-up sex can be and I know that will never happen for me, I know I’m not even supposed to be saying sex now but it IS a need that would bring me closer to her immediately and alleviate some of this loneliness immediately but I can’t TALK to her about it------it would be the same with ANY need, so I don’t get the part where I have to censor what it is BECAUSE I have learned what I need to feel loved and that my marriage is safe and complete. It’s not that it’s sex itself, but not being able to talk about anything only exacerbates the pain-----it makes me want LESS to try so hard to be so good all the time, even though that’s exactly how I want to be but I feel like she starts to think I’m doing that just to hide that I’m hurting.
I've gone long enough without sex or talking about sex with her that I think it's ok to be upset that we can't simply have a conversation about what I need to do to make her happier without her saying "nothing" or getting mad at me just for asking.
