Ugh... I leave in a few hours and am feeling not so great about this. I feel like I'm going behind H's back and being retaliatory or devious in some way by not telling him I'm going on this trip. I mean, there's no reason I should be telling him - he doesn't want to be M, he didn't want me to live with him, he didn't want to tell me anything about what he was doing or what he was up to, so by all accounts it's fair that I don't tell him what I'm doing. But it kind of feels like a "tit-for-tat" thing ("he doesn't tell me anything, so now I'm going to keep something a secret from him!") rather than a healthy "we're separated so I'm not concerning myself with him" attitude. I don't know exactly why I'm feeling this way today. Maybe it's because I still want to be M/feel M in some ways, and if I was M I'd certainly tell my H as soon as I was thinking about going on a trip, so now I feel guilty. I don't know.
Of course you're feeling new things, you've never done this before. What you're saying/feeling is to be expected, now go deeper and ask why?
Then let it go and have a good time.
Have a drink and quiet that judge voice.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
