Long term marriage - husband quit!

[labug]

He called this morning. Talking in circles about his feelings. I let him vent, for awhile.

He is obviously whacking away at my boundary (no divorce talk, period and no relationship talk until he is ready to get rid of ow/girlfriend/whatever and commit.)

It's only a boundary if you enforce it. Of course he's going to whack away at it as long as you allow it. You're in control of your boundaries.

I listened, and let it go. He said he wants a divorce, but wants me to "pursue" him.

Did he actually say he wanted you to pursue him?

One one hand, he wants me to grovel, admit it is all my fault, and feel like crap.
Then he wants to confirm his divorce talk.

Again, did he actually say this or are you mindreading?

At this time, he is "living" in this house, I expect him to pay the customary bills. I usually buy clothes from my budget. He says his work clothes are all ratty (OW a co worker?)
He wants to know if I will pay for clothes?

What should I do? On one hand "a deal is a deal", on the other HE CHOSE this circus, these are his monkeys.... do I cough up $$$ for new clothes?

A deal is a deal.

Until you or he file for separate maintenance, nothing should change.

What would your motive be in discontinuing the funding of clothing purchases? It's all community money, right?

Don't mix the emotions of this with the "business" of the marriage.

[bugsby]

Oh, well - for better or worse, about the clothes, I took the 180.

I emailed him the Macy.com website, told him how strapped/tight things are now, but if he needed clothing, pick out what he needed from the site. I would order them for him- or I would send him account info and he could do it....

If that made me a sucker, then I'm a sucker. But what is fair is fair. I always provided clothing out of my bills, and I am expecting him to keep up his end of bills for the time being, if he lives here, or at a friends or at OW's.

Go ahead. let me have it......

[bugsby]

It's only a boundary if you enforce it. Of course he's going to whack away at it as long as you allow it. You're in control of your boundaries.

Yes, very true. But the 180 says to listen listen listen... I tried.

Did he actually say he wanted you to pursue him?
Yes. He is SHOCKED than I still don't. But he says he's DONE!, and he said he is quite put out that I expect him to "chase" me!-- I only said I will talk about "us" only when OW gone and he's ready to commit 100%. How is that "chasing"?

One one hand, he wants me to grovel, admit it is all my fault, and feel like crap.
Then he wants to confirm his divorce talk.

Again, did he actually say this or are you mind reading?
He wants me to accept all responsibility and beg. Then he tells me "no". Happened last week. LAST TIME I SWEAR...

At this time, he is "living" in this house, I expect him to pay the customary bills. I usually buy clothes from my budget. He says his work clothes are all ratty (OW a co worker?)

A deal is a deal.
That's what I came up with, too...

Until you or he file for separate maintenance, nothing should change.
Yes.

What would your motive be in discontinuing the funding of clothing purchases? It's all community money, right?
Yes.

Don't mix the emotions of this with the "business" of the marriage.
Thank you for this...

[bugsby]

OK, Guys, Exposure.

I don't 'know who OW is (I have only known about her 2 weeks. If I do find out,
What is the wisdom on exposing?

For my WS, I exposed to his therapist, mom, brothers family, church and church mens group. All my family knows. I have no problem with a truthful, concise exposure to anyone.

If this is a co worker (huge auto company - white collar) what do I do?
I have no problem calling HER myself. but I don't want to do a huge, random FB exposure, either.....

Thank you

[labug]

How would that help you?

And do you mean you already told all those people? I don't know what WS means.

[labug]

Have you read DR/DB?

[bugsby]

I have Divorce Remedy. If I remember the quote, Ms. Davis says re: snooping "You will have a lot of information that you will not be able to do anything with." I took it that exposure was not a highly encouraged activity.

So I take it that exposure is not considered a positive?
Yes, I told all those people. I only told people who are marriage supportive and had influence over WS (wandering spouse)

If I read right (not in DR but in her articles, Ms. Davis encourages limited exposure to marriage friendly only people.)

[bugsby]

I have been at this 8 weeks. Trying to 180 - only let him contact me, short, to the point and friendly.

But how much communication is ok? My 18 yo is registering for school, he need to cough up tuition. I found out via him this afternoon she took him off "their" co- bank account, refuses to talk to him... nor did she tell him about it...

He is angry with me, of course. I did not even know. He also told me last week he "certainly" does not need me to intervene between him and the kids (about repairing relationship.)
(I have been unbelievably neutral in talking about him/this situation with kids. Both kids think I'm CRAZY for not divorcing him... )

My SBO about this (him and kid situation) = STOP. and try NOT to fix/repair/help/manipulate/alter/control the dynamic between them. I know sometimes nothing IS something.
NOW he wants me to "encourage her to fix this." - will it only blow up in my face if I do? Stick to my SBO?

[Georgiabelle]

I wouldn't even mention that I knew about OW. That's just me though.

Keep focusing on you. Hang in there!

[bugsby]

GB- very interesting.