100% agreement with this^^. But that's also why I think the term "MLC" is useless.
Too many spouses use the term to cast attention away from themselves and to act as if some "wacky" crisis landed on their spouse. I say, Just own your part in the marital problems ---b/c you want to become the best man you can become anyhow--and b/c you don't want to be in the blame game.
You're in the MLC forum. It is as real as your hand in front of you and yes many MLCers DO act wacky. It's no act at all.
I think your main point here was that Matt's DBing path should remain forward-looking regardless if there's a MLC or not. I do get the sense you have good intentions here when making that particular point, am I right? However, the DBing approach toward a MLCer is indeed different than one who is a simple WAS. On the other hand, keeping the focus on YOU and making self-improvements is universal requirement for success regardless if one's M is saved or not.
Please try not to dismiss MLC as nonsensical for it is very real and painful because it is a VERY, VERY long process and confusion reigns. I mean...your very own H had his own MLC, right?
Please let me know if I mis-read your comments/intent!
Tad,
You asked a very relevant question and I think it is instructive for DBers to learn the why's here.
Originally Posted By: Tadpole
What pressure? Yes, I know that we put pressure on them to try to work on the marriage, but in the beginning, when the MLCer is thinking about bailing, what pressure is there? The LBS isn't putting on pressure yet because we don't even know yet what is about to hit us. Make sense?
To a rational person reading this, the immediate question is ..."yeah! that's right...I didn't do a darn thing to introduce pressure at all. what gives??!"
For the MLCer going through a crisis, their coping skills break down imperceptibly coupled with depression...that's a recipe for a roiling inner turmoil. Over time, our day-to-day coping skills start to break down one by one. We are desperately treading water right up to our chins. Then it all becomes TOO much...thus we flee or jettison the M and family as one of the several ways to lessen/reduce the pressure we're feeling. Acquiring OW/OM is another one like a whale drinking up plankton.
Sad, but that's how it goes down around here.
I know that it is not logical nor makes sense at all to relatively healthy outsiders like you and other LBS. That is just the way how a MLCer functions during the crisis...all of their innards are in one hellva mess like C-3PO!
Matt,
Originally Posted By: Matt165
If only there were a way I could have seen it coming.
No one here, nor did Ms. Wonka, ever saw the MLC coming down the pike at all!!! There's no Life Manual on the planet that warns you about MLC other than the jokey Hollywood-version of a balding MLCer with a red Corvette and having a 20-something on their arm as an eye candy. Such a myth!!
Ok, ok. Just for the sake of argument that one can see it coming down the pike, then what would be your "best" line of defense against it??!! Absolutely nothing can beat this "invisible" disease that has no smell, no taste, no sight, no sounds. Pretty hard to do battle against it, right? No weapon can really beat/defeat MLC except unconditional love that draws the MLCer back to you as the lighthouse.
MLC just hits you right in between the eyes from nowhere out of the left field. Unfortunately so.
