First post, completely lost

[25yearsmlc]

Watto,

Glad to hear of these efforts. Since you have not gotten the DB book(s) yet, I'll keep my further suggestions as applicable as possible.

25yearsmlc, I have just re read or read your above reply in its entirety and I wish I had seen it all earlier, I just wanted to respond. not long after bd, I did decide that I needed a 'change' so had hair extensions put in, I normally dress well as im a beauty therapist and personal grooming is important.


So, you are taking care of your appearance, and you made a change in your looks, correct? That's fine. Seriously, it's good! But a 180 is more about your behavior, (though I guess if you had NOT taken care of yourself before, this would be a "180"...)

In any event, looking our best is always a good idea, especially after BD. Makes sense, b/c hey, it's a lot easier to Not miss someone when they are miserable acting and miserable appearing...it makes us uncomfortable and discomfort is not something people enjoy being around. I think you get this.


I am actually trying to gain weight as I want to compete in figure body building next year, I am naturally slender and I have thyroid disease, so gaining weight is an issue, so after I had the twins dropped right off.


I think I understand this^^. But to be sure I do, let me re-cap. You're endeavoring to do something new, which is body building and which requires you to gain weight (in a healthy "muscular but feminine " way), right? As for the thyroid disease, if I'm not mistaken, a hyper thyroid (as opposed to hypOthyroid,) can increase nervousness and anxiety, as well as cause weight loss.

Is that^^ something you have checked out? Are there any physical elements to some of your fears and anxieties? A thorough physical is a great idea at these times. I know I didn't sleep well for a LONG time and that takes a toll on our emotions as well.


I have made some new friends that are not part of our normal social group or related to h, and its nice just to be 'me', I have signed up for a couple of classes that will completely take me out of my comfort zone.


WELL DONE!!! (Clap Clap, LOUD APPLAUSE!!)


I do not want to live my life based on fear anymore,


That^^ is a powerful thing to say, and an even more powerful and empowering tenet to live by. What are you willing to do, to learn how to live this way?


I have printed out rules and put them where I(not anyone else) can see them every day.

Been there, ^^ done that.


I know its going to take a long time to un do the damage from the past and Im ready to begin the journey, I know there will be backsliding but I am committed, for myself, for our children and for m.

There is a lot of healing needed, by both of you. And so you know, your growth and progress are not going to be linear. But if you do the work, it does happen.

Own your piece, avail yourself of the many resources around. Counselors who are solution based do exist, they are not all just about just validating a choice to leave.

Get the TOOLS you need to help you. I'd like to suggest some tools in particular.


For individual personal growth, check out the workshop "Essential Experience", in Philadelphia (aka "EE"). It's literally life changing. Several DBers have attended (not just me!) and all got a lot out of it. For instance, me, PowerOfNow, AutumnLeaves, Stubborn Dyke, Lucky Luke, and others...

I think workshops are more "efficient" b/c merely going weekly to IC, can be fragmented--even when you have a good IC -b/c when you make a breakthrough, then you have to go back to work or pick up the kids.

But of course, any help is good. Just for my h and I, a long weekend of working on our lives, sure gave us a jump start.

For couples, Retrovaille has an impressive record. It's a weekend retreat designed for marriages in crisis. So It's not a marriage "encounter", and that's good b/c if you are here on DB, you need more than an encounter.

But sometimes it's hard to get both parties to a couples workshop (i.e. Retrovaille). One partner may not want to go, or says they don't want to stay married - so why bother, or even commit to a weekend, even if you say it's "for communication" issues..

But if you can get there, it'll be good.

Attending a worksop for individuals is logistically easier. It also does not rely on both people to get something out of it. You go, and YOU do your work and that's a pay off in itself, you know?

Speaking for myself, EE was a lot easier to do without my h there.

I was attending for my own family/childhood and professional issues anyhow,.

But it was also much less inhibiting to go without my h, which I did not know until I got there.

I went decades ago and "my own" stuff included my R with my MIL. I never would have worked on that at the workshop, in front of my h. So, going separately was good for us.

When I returned from EE, my h said he actually could "See" changes in me at the airport (I felt very serene and at peace with the world). So a few months later my h went. That was so fantastic for our marriage.

Many years later --- when we had a real marital crisis, it was partly b/c of EE that I bothered even trying to reconcile, b/c I knew we once had a truly deep bond and a great marriage...so I believed we had the potential for returning to a deep and close bond, b/c we'd had that!!

So we originally attended separately and then later, we did "team" for others, together. VERY bonding.

At this point, since you know you have your own "stuff" to work on, much of which preceded any affair, I am glad to see that you are owning that.

I also hope you'll look hard at EE...if it's too far to go (they'll house you, btw), then try Lifespring. I have heard it's a bit like EE. Other workshops, not so much.

I don't know another individual workshop that is worth the money and follows a solution based approach.

I'm glad you are focusing on your work. It's not going to be easy, but it is the only thing within your control.

Lest someone else here urge you to "Fix" your h, remember, he's not within your control AND your h is not here working to save the m --- so there's nothing for us to say now, about his choices.



IF it comes down to it and you do your work, and THEN if your h isn't able to keep vows of fidelity, at least you'll know what part is yours and what part is his -- and you'll have done YOUR work. Then you can turn it all over to God and live your life.

Make sense?

If the pain of your memories or images keep polluting your PMA, turn it over to God (or the "universe" or whatever entity you rely on for inner peace).

I literally had to do that in the shower a lot while h was gone. ( I'd say "God, I turn this marriage/pain/anger over to you"...)

I didn't want the kid to hear me. i'd say it dozens of times in a shower, and thinking it, saying it out loud and hearing myself say it, helped it sink in. It calmed me. Over time, my pain seemed more manageable. Give that a try. And if you do hand it over to God, don't go taking it back the next day...

You know, if you DO your own personal work, if you stop living your life in fear, then no matter what your h chooses to do, YOU will be a happier & more content woman. That is no small thing.

Good luck - and hang in there.