Dealing with an ongoing affair

[PeterV2]

Ok. I told her today the following (paraphrased):
"I've been thinking. Me wanting you to postpone your vacation for a couple of days just so we can be together for my birthday and our anniversary (same day) is typical of me wanting to get my way, selfishly, and being persistent until I get my way. And then you giving in so as not to disappoint me is a pattern of behaviour that is unhealthy and not in your best interest. You shouldn't be putting your needs on hold just to please my arbitrary selfish desires. I don't want this pattern of behaviour continuing on into our 7th year of marriage. It's been a destructive pattern of behaviour and I don't want to continue it. If you want to leave on the 8th then that's want you should do. You need the break and the sooner the better."
She started explaining her rational behind her original planned date and I agreed and supported her. She hasn't booked any ticket yet so what she does is still open. But at least I have detached myself from her plans. If she stays for our anniversary it will be because she wants to stay, not because I want her to stay and she feels obligated. That's the pattern that got us into this mess and she's still resentful that she put aside her life to please me to the point where she felt she lost her identity and felt that only way to regain her identity was to leave me. After she left me she found another man who let her be who she was without any demands on her and she fell in love with him because of that. Well, I can do that. It took the two of us to set up that destructive pattern of behaviour and by me recognizing it and not playing into it I can defuse the dynamic it sets up.