I enjoyed my weekend with D2. When I picked her up on Friday, the crèche said D2 had been excited all day. They also said she’d been confused yesterday and when WAW came to collect her, D2 started crying that she wanted “Daddie” and threw herself on the floor crying. I was sorry to hear D2 becoming upset, but I am happy that we’ve a bond given the very limited amount of time we see each other.
I dropped D2 off at WAW’s place on Sunday. WAW asked me to stay for a drink. I’ve been feeling very rough from this cold-type virus so she suggested a lemon, honey and ginger and I accepted. D2 was happy enough.
I tend to leave WAW to raise topics to discuss as I feel insecure talking to her. I try to act “as if” I’m happy and focus on positives in responding. But I don’t feel particularly creative (perhaps worse with cold/headache). Anyway, WAW asked the normal polite questions about the weekend and I responded. She asked me “How is your job?” and I’ll admit that prior to entering I didn’t really want to talk about that (as I am struggling), but when she asked I didn’t want to lie. I said, “That’s a difficult question.” She replied, “ok, sorry, I brought it up. I was only trying to make conversation.” I didn’t want to seem too cagey or secretive so I talked about the Auckland opportunity and how I had turned it down. I went onto say that were I to make a significant move for my career, I would be more tempted to return London.” She replied by saying that she was happy in her role. That the law firm was being very understanding about her part time work, and the challenges of having a D2. I said that I was happy for her, but that I didn’t have a parental role, nor a particularly satisfying job, so my situation was different. She replied “Well that’s a different set of choices for you then, isn’t it.” I was feeling very flat about that response and the conversation generally. But I just said, “Yes.” Not long after I thanked her for the drink, kissed D2 goodbye and left.
Perhaps given the sickness or the cold night, or missing D2 again, or a sense of hopelessness, I sobbed back in my car.
I want: • to be a good father and I can be. I have over a year of looking after D2 without incident to support that. • a stimulating job. I feel undervalued and unstimulated here. My hometown is small and not really suitable to my skills. I don’t really want to re-train.
I would also love for my WAW to come to see that our S is not reducible to my bad behaviour and that I did many good things too. Her simplification of the situation and lack of ability to communicate is very sad, and I fear about how it might affect D2 in the future (if D2 feels a lack of emotional connection, or if D2 does something that WAW is unable to forgive and simply cuts her from her life.
I know this is not in my control, and that I’ve to lovingly detach. I will continue. The lack of knowledge about WAW’s experience and her ongoing refusal to talk is shattering. Got to GAL when I’m less sick. Apologies for the sorry for myself post.
