So far, having a really good morning. Woke up feeling depressed and laid around a bit longer feeling sorry for myself than I should have. Finally made my butt get out of bed and went for a run. Ran 4 miles, furthest I've gone in a VERY long time. Note to self: another immediate pick me up is a good run. Then conquered the riding lawn mower again with NO mishaps. Pretty psyched about that too. Did some weeding and tidying around the house. I have to remember to MAKE myself do stuff like this, it totally makes me feel better.
Off to do some errands and hopefully continue the more positive mood. H texted me a couple times but they are definitely much colder than before. He really seems to be giving off a very skiddish vibe. Since my PMA is relatively good right now I'm taking it in stride, reminding myself that this is EXACTLY why we need to go slow. He is not at all solid in what he wants, seemingly continuing the pattern of expressing interest (even strong interest) in reconciling then backing off. God forbid we were foolish enough for him to come home at this stage, everything would just blow up again!!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Recalling back many years ago when I was just out of college and stayed at my parents house by myself for a summer (they were overseas). I was all alone but I remember how much I loved it. I had a job I liked (not a very interesting one but kept me busy and I liked the people), I was dating a guy but we didn't necessarily see each other all that much, I was taking some graduate courses and loved commuting into the city to attend class. I went running regularly. I didn't have tons of friends I hung out with but just enough to keep me content. This time alone feels kind of similar, I think that's a good and positive thing to hold on to and remind myself. I can do this, I am determined to prove to myself I can be happy and completely alone.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Mdu, you sound really in a good place. The alone thing is not lonely, and I think at the moment It's where I'm at too. I was letting people pressure me to feel I should be dating, I should be getting out and I should be doing it sooner as it will help.
I don't think it's the answer, I Truely never did and less so now.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Had a really great time GALing with an awesome new friend. Decided to leave my phone at home so I would not obsessively check it. Good thing I did, H did not contact me at all. This is another definite sign of him cooling and pulling away. Actually, this is probably the least contact and the most he has pulled away in weeks. Interesting that after what appeared to be the clearest declaration that he wants to reconcile he pulls away the most. Although it shouldn't really surprise me, it's really just more of the same back and forth with him. It's getting pretty old, that's for sure.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Just reread all my posts and it’s quite enlightening. H definitely has a pattern of declaring interest in reconciliation and then pulling away. Back on May 18th I posted that he expressed interest in reconciling, then a few days later I posted that while he’s *interested* in reconciling he still was not really committing to the work. In other words, lots of words but no actions. And then things really cooled between us for a few weeks. This go around I would say he seems more emphatic that he really wants to work on things and the fact that he spoke to the DBing coach is certainly a positive action, however, now that he seems to be cooling a bit again it seems ‘more of the same’. I don’t know if this is typical. For now I’m hanging tight and not contacting him. He needs to show he wants it, that’s for sure.
Something really positive that I observed reading my prior posts is I definitely feel that despite continued ups and downs I’ve definitely gotten stronger. Early on I would jam pack my kid free time with meeting friends, etc, just to keep myself distracted. Today, I am kid free and have zero plans with anyone and actually really looking forward to being by myself all day. I also used to have significant sleep issues, waking up in the night nauseous and confused. Now I sleep relatively well. Things are still very hard but I’m feeling good that I’m not the total mess I felt initially.
I keep thinking about the changes I want to make for ME and just thinking about how much I want to be that emotionally level person, confident that I can get through anything, not freaking out when I hear something that might be tough or make me insecure or worry me. I need to keep myself focused on this goal and detach from H and his continued hot/coldness. Some of my goals for today: go for a run, maybe someplace really pretty and serene like a nice trail or along the coast; stain the outside swing; go to the farmers market; food shop and cook something nice, maybe bake; continue reading about meditation, maybe give it a try for 5-10 minutes.
It’s a beautiful day, typically every Sunday in summer H and I take the kids to the beach. This is a very long standing tradition in H’s family (50+ years), his whole extended family goes to the same spot every Sunday in summer. I’m sure that’s what they’re planning today. I must admit, there’s a part of me that secretly keeps thinking and hoping ‘maybe he will text me, maybe he will invite me to the beach today!’ It’s a bit tough not being a part of it but if I can end up having a great day by myself despite this I think it will be a great achievement for me and an important reminder/reference that I can and will be OK, no matter what. Will post more later. Hope everyone has a good one 
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
H has been texting me 'good morning, have a good morning' every morning for the past couple of weeks.
Not today.
Yup, it's the big chill again.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Thx Wonka. Pulling back is what I'm doing. Although one issue I have is when I do that sometimes H starts questioning and pointing the finger at me like 'Whats the matter, YOU see off?' I know that I'm supposed to be light and say something like 'Oh, I've just been busy' but I am a sucky, sucky, SUCKY liar so it never comes off at I think it's supposed to. Any other suggestions on what I say if he questions MY pulling away?
H's BD is next Sunday. Suggestions very welcome! :-)
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
H is a GINORMOUS conflict avoider. There's a decent chance that he has not reached out to me today because he is at the beach with all his family and fears that if I know I will be hurt and upset not being a part of it.
Part of me thinks maybe I should do a 180 and text him something like 'Hows the beach today? Hope you're have a great time!'
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
