Help Please: Chapter 2

[claire7]

I understand. (((Hugs)))

[GoatGal]

Maybell,

I hope the vacation gave you some relief.

I know it's tough to come home to "reality".
Reality S*cks!!!


I know today is tough for you.

Hang in there.


--GGG

[Maybell]

Eleven hour drive home by myself with the three kiddos. In spite of various mishaps common to long car trips with young kids, it was relatively relaxed and a nice end to a busy trip.

H texted me to say he'd meet me at home to have dinner made for us so I wouldn't have to make an extra stop at the end. We had a family dinner like we haven't had in quite a while. I learned some interesting things:

1. I'm almost as detached from him as I want to be. He moved into his apartment this week while I was gone and spent a lot of today assembling furniture. He showed me pictures of it and I was surprised I wasn't upset. Big relief.

2. I was reluctant to talk to him about my family (got to know my brother's fiancée that I had only met once before). He had made a point of sending greetings to my family before we left and when I said I doubted my mother wanted to hear from him, he paused, thought, and said, well, tell her I said hi anyway. Once I'd been in the house 20-30 minutes, I thawed a little and found the line where I was comfortable sharing news with him without treating him like the confidante he was before.

3. I had been rehearsing ways to nicely ask him to leave after dinner because I really am very tired from the drive... But I didn't have to. My boys wanted me to read, my daughter wanted a bubble bath, and H volunteered to go back and continue working on his furniture. But he made a point of telling me when he'd be back tomorrow morning "so we can plan our day."

4. He also made a point of telling me that he would show me the apartment once the furniture was assembled.

This interaction was interesting and good because it was the friendliest we've managed in months. He even offered to help carry in luggage, which he didn't do after the last trip in April. I feel like if we maintained that amount of friendliness consistently over time that I would not be miserable or dread him being around. Over time it might even naturally warm enough to build something on. My favorite thing about my H is how easy I find it to like him and be comfortable with him. You know, when I'm not flaming mad at him for cheating on me with a pole-dancing baby mama, or ignoring me in favor of Lara Croft.

One other thing... I *suspect* his LL for showing love is acts of service. This seems to be a trend for a lot of guys? I'm experimenting with really ramping up on the words of affirmation I give him to see what effect that has on him.

There are a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with me that he would have been at the house this evening, so there's no point in mind-reading that. However, he went to a fair amount of trouble to make this particular dinner (which also may not have anything to do with me) AND he replaced my half & half so I'd have some for coffee tomorrow morning... So he thought about me some, at least. From what I've seen on this forum, that's a pretty good level of thoughtfulness.

Anyway, interesting, and I feel better about my own reaction to him, so I'll call today a win.

[Maybell]

And I forgot to say, but VERY MUCH VALUED, thanks to Claire and GumbyGoatGal for your kind sympathies yesterday. We may never meet in real life, but that doesn't diminish the value you've both added to my inner life. Thank you.

[claire7]

Right back at you, Maybell. Sounds like the evening (and the trip home, too!) was definitely a WIN! Congrats!

[Maybell]

OK, this separation thing is a gift of time, right?

It is a period I can use to grow and improve myself. It is space from a situation that requires effort to detach from.

It is a gift I'm giving to H to grow and find himself too.

It's an opportunity for us to learn to communicate with one another in a more positive way, and the side bonus of that could potentially be reconciliation.

So why am I so upset at the distance between us if this is such a positive time? He has been friendly to me. He has been courteous and respectful of my time.

Why on earth would I want my old life back and be frustrated at this day???

[Maybell]

Reminder and a question: What kind of relationship (not romantic, of course, that's off the table at the moment) can I have with him if I don't know if he's still in contact with OW? I should assume he is because there is no reason he wouldn't be that I know of. And even if he said he weren't, I wouldn't be able to believe him, he lied about it all through the first half of this year, including during MC. That is in fact a huge barrier to reconciliation even if he were to ask about one.

So what do I expect from him?
Answer: I should expect nothing, and proceed as though I am going to get nothing, and wait until he offers something real. Which could very possibly be never.

[KGirl]

Re: the separation... easier said than done, right? You outlined the positive things that can come from it, but there are still s*cky things about it - missing the regular contact and the little things, missing that built-in "support" (even if they weren't being super-supportive at the end, there was still some aspect of them that we could count on to be there), missing milestones and events together that you can't get back. It s*cks. There were positives about our relationships, otherwise w wouldn't be on this site! But, if you're not there and he still finds he's unhappy, then it can no longer be all about you and it may just force him to start looking at himself. Something that helps me: I think about how if my outcomes either being separated for some period of months and then get back together, or just end it all right now not knowing what could have happened if I just gave it some time, I'd rather end up with the first option.

Re: the OW, yep, no point in pondering it too much or asking if he's still in contact until things change and he wants to reconcile and wants to put in the effort. THEN you could talk about transparency, asking for confirmation that he understands how this hurt you, demonstration that he does care about you, etc. I don't know that you have to assume anything about their relationship right now - there may be one, there may not be, but it doesn't impact anything you're doing unless he says he wants to come back or work on things with you. Your answer to yourself sounds spot-on

[Eatsma]

Maybell,

I've got no advice, but I just want to say that

a) I like your style (you write beautifully and you've got such a clear head about things....)
b) I can totally identify with a lot of what you say, so reading about your situation is useful!
c) I'm so glad that everyone here gave such great advice to you!

Welcome back from your vacation. I'm about to go on a family vacation with my family this year, but with my H. I'm pretty stressed about it.

Before I do that, H is coming back from being overseas for the last 17 days, so I've got to go through that re-entry first. Blech.

[Maybell]

Lordy
Lordy
Lordy.

What a weird day.

First, H got here and said "I need to ask a really big favor. Can you help me assemble my new ikea sleeper sofa?"

(I process this request and realize that agreeing means he can finally take the kids to his place for the weekend and I will get my first break since... I don't know... December 2012?) me: well, you realize I had a lot planned for today? But I'm not so selfish I won't help you with that.

He really has no one else local he could ask.

Ultimately, I got a few things done I had planned for. We went to his place in the late afternoon. Two things:

1. It is SWANK. I mean, I knew it was, but really, it is. And the first thing I saw on his kitchen counter was the change of address from the DMV. Cue crying in the bathroom and remembering Sandi's rules. Asked him about it and he reminds me it's for the city parking permit and easy to undo. Remember the rules again and pull it together.

2. The kids are with us and B O R E D. It was a form of torture to have them there. And we're in a second floor downtown apartment that costs swank $$$ and no one wants to hear three bored little kids.

So there's that.

In the morning I'd received an invitation from some friends to come listen to music at their house. It's a couple that is in the know of how things are with us so as a test of the waters I told H he could come if he wanted. Halfway through assembling the couch (which went smoother than ever in our history) he asks about it and I say never mind, I'll go alone. He says, no I'd really like to and I don't argue.

It was a great evening. He even said so. And watched me with respect and encouraged our friends to listen to me while I talked about a few local politics and professional activities. That was a huge ego boost for this SAHM.

Granted this was one softball lob of an evening. Way too much alcohol involved. And I think he spends so much time with us when it's not his turn because he doesn't have anyone else to spend it with (remembering we're newish in town & I'm the social butterfly). If any vets have opinions about that I'll listen.

But he has committed to us all spending the evening together again for the 4th. He appreciated my help, which I managed to give in the small doses he preferred. And I looked pretty good, I think.

So... Why the hell doesn't he live at home?

Don't worry, labug, I think I understand.