Looking for inspiration

[mdu]

Just reread all my posts and it’s quite enlightening. H definitely has a pattern of declaring interest in reconciliation and then pulling away. Back on May 18th I posted that he expressed interest in reconciling, then a few days later I posted that while he’s *interested* in reconciling he still was not really committing to the work. In other words, lots of words but no actions. And then things really cooled between us for a few weeks. This go around I would say he seems more emphatic that he really wants to work on things and the fact that he spoke to the DBing coach is certainly a positive action, however, now that he seems to be cooling a bit again it seems ‘more of the same’. I don’t know if this is typical. For now I’m hanging tight and not contacting him. He needs to show he wants it, that’s for sure.

Something really positive that I observed reading my prior posts is I definitely feel that despite continued ups and downs I’ve definitely gotten stronger. Early on I would jam pack my kid free time with meeting friends, etc, just to keep myself distracted. Today, I am kid free and have zero plans with anyone and actually really looking forward to being by myself all day. I also used to have significant sleep issues, waking up in the night nauseous and confused. Now I sleep relatively well. Things are still very hard but I’m feeling good that I’m not the total mess I felt initially.

I keep thinking about the changes I want to make for ME and just thinking about how much I want to be that emotionally level person, confident that I can get through anything, not freaking out when I hear something that might be tough or make me insecure or worry me. I need to keep myself focused on this goal and detach from H and his continued hot/coldness. Some of my goals for today: go for a run, maybe someplace really pretty and serene like a nice trail or along the coast; stain the outside swing; go to the farmers market; food shop and cook something nice, maybe bake; continue reading about meditation, maybe give it a try for 5-10 minutes.

It’s a beautiful day, typically every Sunday in summer H and I take the kids to the beach. This is a very long standing tradition in H’s family (50+ years), his whole extended family goes to the same spot every Sunday in summer. I’m sure that’s what they’re planning today. I must admit, there’s a part of me that secretly keeps thinking and hoping ‘maybe he will text me, maybe he will invite me to the beach today!’ It’s a bit tough not being a part of it but if I can end up having a great day by myself despite this I think it will be a great achievement for me and an important reminder/reference that I can and will be OK, no matter what. Will post more later. Hope everyone has a good one 