I haven't followed your sitch enough to chime in with confidence, Dad. And I know I'm likely in a minority here (bc it does tend to go against DB principles), but why NOT mention the OP to your children? Sure, take 50% of the blame for the breakdown of your M. But I would NEVER - ESPECIALLY in front of my children - accept 50% of the blame for a D that is happening because of an A. I wouldn't accept even 1% of the blame for that.
Yeah, it may seem like talking openly about the A will stand in the way of reconciliation. (In my case, it didn't.) What it DID do was show my kids that if they were going to live in a broken home, it wouldn't be because that had been MY choice. No, it was not motivated by self-righteousness; it was motivated by truth and my desire to show my kids I was willing to fight for our family. Even in the face of an A.
Regardless of what you choose to do, I'd urge you to demonstrate some self-respect. No one likes to see a man being a doormat.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Thank you Train, That is exactly my position. BIL and of course W are asking me to be a doormat. I feel I must be stronger in the face of the kids. I've hidden all of my breakdowns and anger and much of my pain from them. I have not hidden my love of my W and love for them. I've told S16 that I don't want a D. Why keep S12 in the dark when the whole extended family knows?
If the whole extended family, including S16, knows, then why would anyone think S12 doesn't? You & your W need to manage the message, but only because the ship has already sailed and your credibility with your sons is at risk.
Forgive me if I'm misremembering, but wasn't S12 in the car with you when you discovered the most recent A? If so, how did you deal with that?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, That has been my argument all along. The week after I found out, W told two of her sister. They both told her to end it and if she left the house to take the kids so it would not be considered abandonment. The weekend after, she told her SIL that "she met someone" in such a sick happy voice. Since then, she and I have told the rest including some of the adult children (in hopes they would reach out to my boys as they lived this hell as children too). W and her mother were having a deep conversation about this with a close cousin in the next room. He had to send a text to my S16 to rescue him. I have no idea why W's IC and my BIL would think further deception is best. The last thing she and I told S12 was that mommy was leaving for a few weeks to think some things through. At that time I believed this was true, I found out later she had no intention of leaving OM.
S16 was in the car when I found out she was continuing her PA. I told him that she had a friend. He said "boy-friend? but she's not divorced yet." I said that was why she left me. I also added that she loved S16 and that she was still a good person inside that got caught up in an adult problem. I also said that I still loved her and hoped we could fix this.
My mind got the better of me this evening and snooped her phone records. Even though she was supposed to be spending the weekend with the boys, she found time to call OM a few times... just before sending me the email I mentioned above. And to think she has the nerve to say she want's a respectable divorce. I really am trying here!
I'm sure it soothes her conscience to think that she could have a "respectable" divorce.
Do you have any child experts in your panel of resources that could give guidance? For example, our elementary school has a phenomenal guidance counselor. A pastor or Christian Ed person from your church? Anyone who could be an advocate for your son, that might be neutral from you?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
W's IC is supposed to be a child specialist. Our pastor was a children's pastor in his former church. I would hope he would be neutral in the position of senior pastor. My church is very child and family central. I will make an appointment with the pastor for W and I.
...but why NOT mention the OP to your children? Sure, take 50% of the blame for the breakdown of your M. But I would NEVER - ESPECIALLY in front of my children - accept 50% of the blame for a D that is happening because of an A. I wouldn't accept even 1% of the blame for that. ...
The issue here as I see it is that she say the D would happen even if the A didn't happen. This is what she's told me and what I believe she tells everyone else. The fact is though that she still told me she loved me right up to the day I confronted her. The Fact is that we still has sex even after the confrontation. The fact is that I had NO idea she was feeling this way because I would ask her all the time and she would say everything was fine. We still laughed and planned for the future until the confrontation. I must believe that the D IS because I discovered the A.
Wow this is all happening so fast for me. As far as I know, she has not done anything to get the divorce moving forward nor scheduled a mediator or lawyer but she changed her address to OM's.
She may claim the D is because of the A but you should not believe it. If all the signs of love you experienced were all that she felt the A wouldn't have happened. There is and was a lot more going on than you've been able to process.
This is a really, really difficult time for you, but that makes it more imperative that you find a way to detach. Focus on your kids and yourself and stop trying to make sense of it all. Especially any kind of sense that leads you where you want to go. Just observe what is happening around you while taking care of business -- your kids and yourself. Didn't you note you are about to be out of work? Put some focus into that. Quit worrying about W and drama for now.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I haven't followed your sitch enough to chime in with confidence, Dad. And I know I'm likely in a minority here (bc it does tend to go against DB principles), but why NOT mention the OP to your children? Sure, take 50% of the blame for the breakdown of your M. But I would NEVER - ESPECIALLY in front of my children - accept 50% of the blame for a D that is happening because of an A. I wouldn't accept even 1% of the blame for that.
Yeah, it may seem like talking openly about the A will stand in the way of reconciliation. (In my case, it didn't.) What it DID do was show my kids that if they were going to live in a broken home, it wouldn't be because that had been MY choice. No, it was not motivated by self-righteousness; it was motivated by truth and my desire to show my kids I was willing to fight for our family. Even in the face of an A.
Regardless of what you choose to do, I'd urge you to demonstrate some self-respect. No one likes to see a man being a doormat.
This ^^^. Do NOT lie to your children; it's imperative that they know that as their family goes thru this sad change, at least ONE of their parents will always tell them the truth.
Your wife should tell them, and you should chime in as needed if she tries to lie.
