Old dog seeks new trick

[Old Dog]

I haven't posted for a few days now. Been busy reading DB and finished it yesterday. DR also arrived in the week. I don't know whether to read that first or re-read DB as there was so much to take in.

No contact with W during the week. I'm at work miles away. I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing here. It was normal for me not to contact her during week - I had no news (yes I know I should have - I don't know why I didn't as it would have been nice to talk). Should this be a 180? Or would it be viewed as chasing.

Returned home a day later than usual as a colleague was having a leaving do. It was nice to get out. A positive sighting of a GAL moment :-)

Felt positive coming home but when I get here, I feel fear and doubt again. I think I'm doing pretty well keeping a PMA though, but it's a strain; especially at night. We're still sleeping in the same bad. I wake up and hear her breathing, feel her warmth radiating (no touching now) and it just breaks my heart. Lying awake at night with your mind battling negative thoughts and PMA is exhausting. And she's also awake for some of that time thinking her own thoughts.

We went to some friends 25th wedding anniversary party yesterday and had to pretend everything is all right. S12 was feeling a bit left out, so I took him to play on the trampoline and we had a great time: +1. I learnt later that W spotted us and sent our host down to take some pictures. Apparently she was a little teary. Mustn't read anything into this.

Our 21st it's in one month - what on earth do I / we do about that? And, that's also the week were planning to go on holiday.

I really need to speak to my therapist as, although I now know so much more, I'm lacking clarity, but she's away for another week. As well as this forum, I'm writing a journal and scribbling things down on paper when I get to passages in DB and there's other stuff I think of, but it's all a mish-mash. I need focus, but that's kinda hard to er focus on when you're all over the place.

Oh, and just as an aside, I've decided that my glass, which up to now has mostly been half empty, is now being reclassified as half full.