Exquisite - thank you so much for taking the time to post this.
The inner story of my xh's MLC is based, I firmly believe,on a terror that I would abandon him. It started when I first got cancer.
It sounds strange that a man would leave to avoid being left, but fundamentally that is what I believe he did, and I think his subsequent obsessive behaviour supports this.
My husband's parents had a very strange relationship and both were emotionally abusive (without meaning to be, certainly in his mother's case, less sure about the father - (ex military and a mean sob. I have some great friends who are military btw, so this isn't a condemnation)
When he left my xh told me that his father was unhappy because he was married to his mother. Not as I saw, that is for sure. His father had real problems, and was incapable of joy, by the time I met him. Having him as a father must have been horrific.
Anyway, I would now run a mile form anyone who had an unhappy childhood and hadn't dealt with it. It poisons you as you get older, while a happy childhood nourishes you. It doesn't have to be nuclear family - just at least one parent who loves you, and lets you know it.
My late MIL actually wrote to her kids to say that she knew she had messed up. How sad is that. One thing I wished is that my xh had sorted things out with her before she died. She was strange but actually deserved better of life, even though she unwittingly sowed the seeds of my xh's crisis.
Anyway, enough about the sad past. And just to say yes, my xh is almost certainly suffering from unrecognized obsessive love for me. I don't think that hanging out with him would eve be enough, even if I was prepared to do it.
When we last spoke I mentioned that I hadn't been as well as I usually am, and he got anxious, right then and there, quite disproportionately. Wanted to know abut symptoms etc. this from a man who walked on his family 8+ years ago.
And this is the weirdest part. There is still a deep deep bond between us. I wish there were not, I wish it would go away, but it is there, like a heartbeat.
I do not dwell on it, I live my life, and I am OK, but breaking that link is proving almost impossible. Anyone wishing to have me certified as crazy can do so now! I did all sorts of exercises last summer to try and break the link, so if anyone knows any more I would like to know. We were together for more than 35 years.
I wish I had an answer.. Xh sais: the day I almost left him is the day I changed him. In a text exange, I replied: you didn' t want to lose us so you left!! smart move??
The bond? That is from all the history of creating a life together that lasted for years. I think there will always be a part of us who will love THE PERSON THEY WERE. it is part of the unconditional, I guess. I always said I loved my husband but I dispie who is has become. I would take my husband back in a heartbeat, but that man is longgggggg gone. I mourned him and I miss him. I don' t see him ever become a better person than what he was. He has created too much damage for himself to face.
Like you, I look at what we have and thank God for looking out for us. We are ok to The only situation that is not ok is in regard of XH.I don' t believe there is anything I could do to stop it. I believe he is the only one who can put an end to this madness.
I agree with all you said. And we escaped getting sucked further into this madness.
Only they can get the help they need to sort this out: I believe my xh is well beyond anything but professional help, and of course doesn't see it. There are so many other dysfunctional people out there who will continue to prop them up. OK, time to get on with my garden - both in reality and metaphorically
Cadet - I thought about this and you know - it would be inauthentic for me to do this.
I agree about 180s in general, but I am not sure of the consequences in this case. Although my xh does not respect my feelings, that does not make it OK to behave as if he has none,
We are counselled, very wisely, not to do things 'strategically' and this would be strategic.
I agree with you Bea. 2 negatives does not bring positive in life. I to, have thought of this and I would not be ok with myself by becoming like him. I want to stay true to myself. I don' t want to play games. I worked hard to get my self-esteem and self-confidence back and I won' t tarnish my soul for a maybe..
The thing is Cadet, it wouldn't change who he is (at this moment in time). It would upset the balance of the dynamic to be sure, but it would not be authentic (as noted) and it would be a game of sorts.
B, part of the struggle with the bond is that he won't go away. The opportunity will present itself to severe that bond when the time comes. There will always be some sort of contact due to the kids, but the bond you speak of will at some point be weakened enough to be severed. It was a long time building it, and it'll be a long time before it goes away most likely.
The thing is, you had a lot of good years in that part of your life. You don't have to severe the bond with that part of your life. Rather, you would be severing it with the person who walked out and won't leave you in peace. In some ways, that behavior of his is helpful in that it helps to see he is not who he was and he's not anyone you know. It helps to see he is human and has his own set of issues to deal with. Even if you and the rest of the family have to also deal with them to some extent for a little while longer.
Gardening? Flowers or vegetables?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
B, part of the struggle with the bond is that he won't go away
And part of the reason he wont go away is because of the bond! His awful behaviour makes it hard to think of him with compassion, but I do try to make my peace
In fact I sometimes stomp around my garden muttering rude words (when he pops into my head, which unfortunately is quite often at present)
I take care of my own yard - grass, flowers, hedges. This year I do not have time to tend vegetables, and the ones I can buy locally are very good and cheap. Maybe next year again.
I have vines, and a fig tree and old roses climbing against the walls. And a toad who lives under a large stone. I do not think if I kiss the toad it will become a prince. In fact I harbour suspicions that it might be a girl toad, so we both might get a shock!
