Do it again...

[RiverRat812]

Just got back from my first visit my my daughter. What was supposed to be a cut and dry day turned into a bit of a mess but it ended as a draw. One of the conditions of the visit was that we were not going to engage each other in conversation

I stopped at the bank before I arrived at the house. I've been in a bit of a financial jam since the last S and haven't had my own personal checking or saving account in 5 years. Quite frankly, I was afraid that I would get turned down because of stuff from the past. Walked out with a new checking and savings account, online banking and the paperwork for direct deposit. May not see like much to anyone but this was a big 180 for me, score one for the team...

Since I got done with the bank early, I texted ahead and asked if I could arrive early. I explained that I was at the bank taking care of some stuff and got done sooner than expected. I immediately got a phone call asking what I was doing at the bank. I explained that I was taking control of my personal finances and that nothing I had done affected the joint accounts. We also discussed the particular of the joint account and direct deposit. I even went so far as to agree to pay above the agreed upon amount if there was a specific need and I had advanced warning. I told her she was free to transfer the money deposited for her to her own account if felt it necessary. I think this conversation was VERY productive and it is one of the three "approved" topics of discussion.

I arrived on time and started my visit, my daughter and I spent the first hour work on the home network and cable TV issue. My career is in IT and my daughter simply loves "helping Daddy fix computers", so it was an enjoyable time for both of us. We got all the issues resolved, I should add that all the issues that we fixed were caused by me last weekend when I went into a downward spiral that led to my moving out. Not my proudest moment. I will cover that weekend in a later post.

When we were wrapping up with the computer stuff, I revealed a surprise to my daughter. I had installed Skype on her computer so we could chat or call without having to tie up the W's cell phone. The W was initial skeptical, she questioned as to whether I could use it to "spy" on them. I told her that I had no intention of that and gave her all the credentials to the computer to prove that point. It should be said, I don't have a past history of doing that. She has been the one to do that but given the fact that I had an A years ago, it's completely understandable.

After that, I asked my daughter was she would really like to do and she told me she really wanted to play Wii with me, so we played video games for HOURS. She kept peppering me with questions, at age 4 she had a lot of questions but now she was hitting me with tough questions. The answers to these questions have been a source of confict between the W and I. I am a child from a divorce, she is not. I tried to as the D's questions as best I could with the vague answers that we had agreed on. But every answer elicited another tough question.

After a couple hours, the W informed us that she was stepping out for a moment to go to the store. This was a surprise, she had been adamant that the first few visits were done while she was there and I was not to leave with our daughter under any circumstance. The reasons will get covered in a later post.

We kept playing games while she was gone, the questions stopped and she just turn to me and said "Daddy, I don't want you to pack up your stuff and I don't want you to leave!" I tried to explain why I had to with "official story" but found myself at a loss for words. I was afraid to say anything that the W my misinterpret. At that point my daughter started having a meltdown. I consoled her and explained the best I could, while texting the W and telling her that I really need her there with me to help me with this.

By the time the W returned, everything was fine again with the daughter and we were back to playing games. This was the time that I was supposed to go and pack up the things I needed to get and I went off to do that. I was in the basement packing up, when the wife came down and started talking to me about how we were going to handle C for the daughter and our MC. That talk went alright but it somehow morphed into a discussion of about the condo and arrangements about that. This conversation hung on the edge of a knife, it felt like it could go bad at any moment since there was talks by both of us whether I should remain on the lease and even keep any of my stuff there or put it in storage. This is a result of her changing the locks last Saturday.

Then things went downhill fast as the talks changed to visitation and custody. These talks were broken up by the W asking me very direct questions about was I was doing as far as my own personall healing. At one point I had to explain that no matter what I told her, she was goal to have to rely on what she saw from me as being the answers to her questions. The W is insistent that she is "fiercely protective" of our D and that she is the one that will be deciding what's best for our D. I felt that my rights as a father were being trampled, told her so and the conversation started to get real tense. Both of us alternated in pulling back and pursuing for several rounds until I finally broke off permanently. I had to get away from it, I was having an anxiety attack.

I packed my car and somehow in the process of doing that, the W and D started asking me if I would take the D swimming in the pool when I was done. I was blown away after the way the talks ended, I could not figure this out. I tried halfheartedly to decline the offer, explaining that I had to go and take care of other stuff. In spite of my protests, I ended up getting coerced into going over with the both of them. The D and I swam while the W watched us behind her sunglassses the entire time. It was very awkward and downright weird.

We left the pool, I changed and then went and got my daughter dressed for bed, I told her a story. Before going up to read to her, I asked the wife for a favor and before I could even get the words out, she said "Sorry, I'm not ready to hug you yet."

The vets are all groaning and facepalming while saying "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????" I was testing the waters, I admit it was a stupid thing to do. I had to do it and now that it's done, I won't make that mistake again!

Normally we alternate reading to her or just letting her read a book to us before bed. Instead I told her a story I made up about a King, name King Rat and a Princess and how the King had to sail away across the sea but how he kept sending his love back to the Princess until he returned.

The W then informed me that she had to run out again, I spent those few moments with the D talking yet again about why things were the way they were. The wife returned and it was time for me to say goodbye. I may have spent a little too much time doing that but I'm sure that I won't do that again.

I had one more errand to run before my day was done, it's a 180 and a goal, I won't get into it now but I will say it felt good to do it. I'll be doing it after every visit and before I'm done, I explain what it is and why I feel I need to do it.

We had a plan for this visit and neither one of us held to it. I can only take care of my side of the street and I intend on doing a better job next time. I really felt good anxious before I left, started to feel good shortly after I arrived, felt really horrible when things went bad and then left feeling totally confused. I'm sticking to my plan next time, following the rules and I will detach and depart if things go bad again.

If Sandi's 37 questions were a test, I failed with a score of 45%... The week started out miserable and got better from there. Today wasn't a win or a loss, it was a draw and I'm happy to settle for that. I learned a lot from this initial visit. Before I left, I dryly quipped to the W "Well, this went better than expected. It can only go up from here" and laugh a very unconvincing laugh. Did this week suck? Oh, you better believe it! It started out horrible and got better in spite of being a very messed up situation. Today had it's bright shining moments as well as it's dark ones. If today sucked, then tomorrow will suck a little less. Embrace the suck, they say. I have some of my creature comforts again, so I don't feel so adrift and lost.

Tomorrow is down time, it's a ME day. I'm going to spend it settling in to my new living situation. Then I'm going to go into next week with the fruits of my achieved goals and make it better than this last one.