Possilble WAW

[pilot]

Peter,

I would think if she wanted to cuddle in bed to let it happen. Simply because she will feel comfortable, safe, and content. Dont get me wrong, I am not trying to say I know better than you. I honestly do not know the right move in this situation.

Even when my W was in the middle of her EA possible PA I would let her hug me and cuddle. This was prior to me knowing about DB. But even if I had to do it over, I would do the same simply because it reminds them of what they do like about you.

[PeterV2]

sure. cuddle if she wants to

[Riley]

I'd say you're ok with reciprocating "love" if it comes to you first IE: hug, cuddle, etc.. Just don't be a walking doormat, you want a real R/M back and don't settle for less. Also, if things do turn around don't rush into things too quick. The reasons why are: you can feel unsatisfied and regret making up and just like now people can change their minds quick and often.

[dawgy]

Good morning all . Im having alot of anxiety this morning . Does anyone have any methods of dealing with heavy anxiety in the morning . The worry of her leaving is heavy . We spent the evening out on the farm working with her parents and you could see alot of thinking was going on in her head .It was un comfortable but maybe a good thing .Its almost the first of the month and theres no sign of her leaving . But she was with OM saturday morning for probably 3 hrs . I screwed up late last night and snooped he phone and found two text messages from him . They were rediculous if you ask me . One said " our love is so strong , stronger than life ,our love for each other blah blah blah " it sounded like a teenager . Then the second one says that our love is mind ,soul and body and shes not happy at home shes only happy with him . It sounds like hes desperate and maybe shes second thinking going with him . I see no evidence of either one of them moving out .I know im supposed to be detaching and i did for the most part of the weekend but last night stirred up so many feelings of the good days I started getting jealous again . Please help

[PeterV2]

Take it easy Dawgy. We all have days like that. And stop snooping. It only makes matters worse. Yeah if she's in that chemical love soup she's not thinking straight. You need patience because you cannot control her. You just need to be the best man you can be. Someone only a fool would leave. And you know, she may do a foolish thing and leave, but once the affair fizzles she'll be wondering what happened. Just pull away from her. I know it's totally counter-intuitive but you need to do it. It's the only thing that may work. Chasing after her will for sure drive her out the door. So do the exact opposite of chasing after her. Back off. Don't mention the OM. Don't mention the A. Be civil.
Most importantly though, try to figure out what patterns of behaviour lead to her walking away. There's always a reason. I just figured out mine this weekend and it was a light bulb moment. Read my thread. And I've been working on this for over 6 months. My IC said "You did precisely the right thing for the right reasons. Well done and an indicator of genuine growth and insight into the workings of the self."
I went over it again with my W this morning and she sees my point.
Dawgy, it's a long way around but it's the only way. Self discipline, inner strength and perseverance is what it's going to take. You've got a great support network here with your fellow LBSs and posters. I know I couldn't have progressed as I have without them.

[dawgy]

Thx Pete but sometimes I just dont feel strong enough to detach . Its like a drug for me to wnt to touch her and love her and when i cant I have major withdrawls , especially in the mornings . She is so up and down , one day its looking better and the next day she looks ready to go . The snooping is giving me insight to whats goin on but its incredibly painful .You guys on here are helping me but its just not enough sometimes . I think DB is the best method to survive ( just put myself in her shoes and thought about how id want her to behave if it was me having the affair ). Some plans call for exposure but i think if it was me that would drive me out the door

[PeterV2]

Yeah, that's a tough one. I saw my W's car in the local mall parking lot on Sunday evening back in March when the mall was closed, so I waited. After 3 hours she pulls in with the OM and gets out of his car and into hers. She drives off and I follow the OM. When he stop at a light I pull up next to him and say, "I want to have a talk with you."
He says, "ok", and we pull into another parking lot.
We get out of our cars and I say to him, "so my W is in love with you but she's married to me. That's quite a pickle."
He says, "well she's separated from you."
"yeah but not divorced. - she's still my W you're messing with."
He says, "she's on her way."
"Did you call her?"
"No, I was on the phone with her when you pulled me over."
Just then my W pulls in and I go up to her car window.
"Are you stalking me?" she asks.
"No, I just saw your car and was wondering where you were. Then I saw OM and asked to talk to him - we're just going to talk."
She pulls into a parking spot and gets out of her car and walks over to us.
There we are the three of us in a perfectly shaped equilateral triangle, so I say, "Well here's a real triangle." We all look at each other.
She says to OM, "Leave now"
I say, "Not until I have a chat with OM."
He says, "I think we better leave."
I felt like saying, "Wow, pussy whipped already" but I didn't. I bit my tongue.
I did say to OM as he was getting in her car, "Just leave my W alone."
I drove home and then I drove to the place where she was staying. She was still in her car and as soon as I pulled and walked over to her she started to pull out. I went up to her window and said to her, "We really need to talk." She was boiling mad. But she calmed down enough to agree to talk. We went to her room and talked for an hour, heart to heart.
I told her how every time she's with him it's like ripping open the scar again, I bleed, I can't take it. She apologized for my pain.
I told her, "so you're in love with him and you love me but your not in love with me, but you're still married to me. That's quite a pickle you're in."
She agreed.
I don't think that was a very productive evening, but I think it do give her something to think about. I definitely lost brownie points that night, but I also had the opportunity to confront the ugliness of the whole situation in stark reality. I think that drove her away from me and closer to him.
But now 3 months later she says it's over with OM. I still don't trust her and my mind takes me on some wild imaginings.
Our MC seems to think that, yes, it's over with OM.
Rebuilding trust is going to take a long time.
One day at a time. I pull away. She draws close. I reciprocate but going back and moving closer to her, she withdraws. It's a strange dance, but very predictable now. I just need to keep pulled away, detached. It's so hard.
Yeah snooping does give you insight, but it depends how strong you are to withstand the stark realities it uncovers. Really hard.
Keep up the DBing and GAL. Pull back and wait.
She agreed.

[pilot]

Dawgy,

The next time you think it is hard to detach, think about how hard it is to take what you find out when you snoop. I can promise you one thing. The chances you have of winning your W back if you DO NOT detach are pretty darn small. The ONLY way your W is going to wake up and smell the coffee is when she realizes you are no longer there for her. She is cake eating. She can explore a R with OM and knows you are right there in case it does not work out. You are a safety net. Why not walk across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope if you have a net 2 feet under you. Take away that net while on the middle of that rope and most people will crap their pants. Detach my friend. Detach fast hard and quickly. And do it with a smile on your face (even if you have to fake it at first) Detach and show happiness. This is the missing piece to your puzzle.

[dawgy]

Guys I know she is defintely cake eating. The eggshells ive been walking on for the last month after she told me she was leaving when the kids finshed school are all swept up . She hasnt left although I found a list that was definitely a grocery order for a new place (mop , bucket ,broom , cup towels etc )so she was thinking about it . I DBed and backed way off and it seemed to have relaxed her . She is defintely doing alot of thinking .I think the OM is pressuring her to go with him but it is a huge move and one she shouldnt make and she knows it . The text messages tha he sent the other night are wacked and you can see some desparation on his part . All kinds of " love this and love that" garbage . it sounds like a in love teenager . Maybe shes starting to see that this gone too far because the reality of leaving is right there and theres no turning back after that for me . Once she leaves the story will come out , fully to everybody and she knows it . I feel like ive gained alittle control back because it seems the threat of leaving was just that , a threat . However I dont want to abuse my new power so I have to be careful , right ? I believe shes going to see him today but I said have nice day very pleasantly and i recieved a hug and a kiss on the cheek . Not talking about the affair and the other man does keep her happier and much more like her old self but its hard to do .

[PeterV2]

Yeah, Dawgy, she may be happier with you for not talking about the A or OM but I assure you that she's being torn up inside, even more so that you're not giving her ammo to justify her leaving. If you were to pursue, freak out or threaten her with exposure of the A that would give her ample reason to justify her leaving you for the OM. But Since you're being calm, cool and collected, being the H only a fool would leave, she is very conflicted. This is a good thing. She needs to wake up & smell the coffee but in her PEA induced state she's not thinking clearly. It may take a while until the chemicals in her brain subside enough for her to see the light. That's why you have to be patient and wait it out. It's like if you broke your leg you wouldn't go running a marathon the next day. You would need to let the healing happen even though you may be itching to run you have to stay still. This will take time. Use that time to learn how you got here and how to make yourself the best man you can be.

I feel like ive gained alittle control back because it seems the threat of leaving was just that , a threat . However I dont want to abuse my new power so I have to be careful , right ?

The only control you can gain is self-control and that you have done with some success. You cannot control her. Don't even try. That's not a healthy way to be in a relationship. Your new power is the power to control your own emotions and how to react to what she does. Yes, doing the 180 has the potential and often the result to change how she reacts, but the power and control is not over her, but over your own emotions and responses. Have you read DR?