negative voice creeping in

[25yearsmlc]

Well,

I think you have hit the nail on the head about doing all the wrong things. You have let fear direct you and yes, it HAS brought about things that you feared and at least factored in his choice to retreat.

You seem to see clearly what your role was and is in the present situation and how the both of you got here.

So, what's missing? First, while you have insight into the mistakes you made and keep making, why won't you get help to STOP making them?

It's not easy but it sure is not complicated. Learn to STFU and stop pursuing him. Just stop. And the anger has worsened your situation exponentially. You seem to own that, but then, really "owning" it would mean Not repeating it.

you need to exert some self control now and not keep making things worse.
BACK way off.

Second, the thing that is missing is WHAT are your GAL and 180s?

Again, not complicated. You must begin doing FUN healthy things and NOT keep your focus on him.

Okay so in the past, you see how your choices got you into trouble, correct?

So NOW, you write this:


I panicked, did all the wrong things, you know the drill, for two months he floated between home, his mums, and a local hotel, we seemed to be going well, lots of intimacy, talking ect and when he moved into his own place, he gave me a key and said it was so I could come and go as I pleased.

this was going well then he let a male work friend move in to help the friend out, the dynamic changed, I panicked as I thought this was going ruin our chances of r,

Why would you panic? And act on that fear? I mean this is a clear cut case of you repeating behaviors that were harmful to your marriage in the past, and yet expecting a new different result. That's what they define as "insane behavior", (doing the same thing again & again, but thinking "this time" it'll be different"). It's not different, it's more of the same and makes ANY changes on your part, a lot harder to believe in.

CHANGE Watto...CHANGE...or keep doing the same old thing, at your peril.

If anything is going to "ruin the chance of r", it's Your behavior. Get a g r i p.


so I pushed and h retreated,


Um, does this^^ surprise you at all? Why do you sabotage your r? THAT is the first big question.

the collegue has left, my h dropped the b on wed and said he will always love me and want to protect me but its just not there....

sorry I took so long, kind of cathartic to get it out though :S


So, what do you want to do? B/C if you want to save the m, You have to do some serious work on yourself.

you have repeatedly sabotaged the marriage. You still are.

I already asked you why that is, and as important a question as that is, the MAIN question now is, HOW CAN YOU STOP?? (IMO, you will need professional help for that and hey, no shame in that. Most of us had good ICs and or a DB coach, so we get it.)


I know one thing that will help you is to GAL, and man, you better do that GAL stuff soon.

Otherwise you'll keep obsessing, and the more you do that, the harder detaching is, and the easier stalking and snooping become.

The more you GAL, the less fear you'll have, and Fear will be in less control of your choices.

STOP the sabotaging and START the GAL.