I don't want to speak for all the women out there but if you can, permit me to give you an insight into a woman's mind...
She's playing jedi mind tricks on you. This is an art that women are very skilled at. We can say one thing and totally mean another and it's not necessarily negative unless it's used in a negative way. While she may act like she means it because in that moment (in her mind) she does, it's not entirely true. She's trying to elicit a response from you and she's trying to get you to go along with her. Don't fall for it. It's really a poor and immature way of communicating. I'm ashamed to say this but I have done it. Thankfully, I'm recovering. I've realized that i was impeding my own growth by perpetuating the behavior in my M. Guys do it too, right? So I stopped it. As the saying goes "You get more of what you give" has a lot of weight in R. You see, I was the poor communicator in my M. It's what I learned from my parents. I didn't know a safe way to handle my anger and insecurities. I just knew I felt them and had to be rid of them no matter what and whichever way how. Even stoop as low as acting like a child (stomping feet, crossing arms, pursed lips, crying.) Well, I didn't really stomp my feet but...
So, you've got several good thing working for you. One: she doesn't want a legal separation, right? I think I read this somewhere in the thread. B: your mutual friends are clueless about your situation. Which means she's not truly ready to break the marriage if she won't come out with the news to family/friends. 12: she still wants you included in the family activities. True, there's a reason for you to be there but if she really wanted you out of her life she would just take the kids and leave.
I am truly sorry that you have fallen prey to this twisted emotional game she is playing. It makes me want to shake her and give a couple of slaps (joking) and do the mommy finger point. It seems to me that she's looking for a motivation from you to stay or leave. So think hard...what was it about you that she fell in love with? Was it your sense of direction? Are you the kind that doesn't mind the back seat while W is behind the wheel? What is she like? Controlling or submissive? If whatever she fell in love with has been gone for quite some time then perhaps it's time for you to pull out the old tricks. Conversely, if you've been a steady stream throughout the marriage then maybe it's time to venture out of your comfort zone. Are you safe or adventurous? Try the "Do something different" and she how she reacts.
Lastly, she may also be needing some tough love from you. There is this book called "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson that suggest the approach of an ultimatum. The ultimate ultimatum. Dobson posits that people (WAS) who are on the fence about their M are really seeking tough love. They need someone to draw the line (lovingly) by lifting the cage gate thus giving the WAS their freedom. Of course, after being released the WAS is left to wonder if this is what they truly want. So, if she appreciates your assertiveness she may be wanting you to step in and do the shaking (instead of me.) This is a poor abstract of the book. It is a very easy read. It took me no time at all to finish it because it was full of good info. So check it out and let me know what you think.
Oh, and we all know that you're sincerely sorry for not seeing what she needed from you. All you can do is apologize, make the necessary changes and prove to her that you do care. But, she has to be willing to give you an honest and fair chance to correct things. Stringing you along is not fair. So continue turning the questions back to her rather than affirming her because she really is testing your resolve.
