Roller coaster and then some

[daring]

FY- what a whirlwind!! I agree that it's best to keep family out of it. His sisters even complained to me that I hadn't talked to them about any if it and I said he's just having a tough time and I'm trying to be supportive.
I think the wedding atmosphere just freaked everyone out. He did thank me for trying to help his sisters handle everything. I also told him that I'm so sorry this happened and I didn't bring anything up to them ( didn't say it in a defensive way- just a by the way I want you to know this).
I felt really, really bad for him. I could empathize as when he was in his angry state a few years back he was constantly on me about everything and I felt like a complete failure. I know it's an awful place to be.

I texted him this morning just to say I was sending positive thoughts and hope his conference goes well. Not expecting anything back, just want to give him some support. Hopefully it's not seen as a pursuing act but either way I felt it was something I wanted to do.

As far as people for me to talk with- not so much. My two closest friends are the office manager and nurse that started the practice with me. My nurse is a great listener and I talk to her some but she is going through some things with her kids so I don't want to overburden her. My office manager unfortunately thinks I'm being a doormat and is irritated by everything so I try not to tell her much. Too much negativity from her about it all.
MIL I only talk to about helping H if I think he needs it ( like when he was suicidal). Otherwise no details.
I've pretty much been the person everyone else goes to when they have problems as I am the " psychological understanding one". Even my partners call me the gynechiatrist as I am the one who deals with my patients emotional as well as medical issues in detail. Really H was my best friend and who I would bounce things off of. I also have a bad habit of trying to handle things on my own and not ask for help. I do have an IC though who I see weekly and she is great.
Soooo maybe I need to reach out more to my own sisters ....I am also going on a cruise with my nurse in Aug- can't wait!!

Will work on taking care of myself and the kids this week. My daughter made the comment that Daddy didn't really hang out with us on this vacation like usual. They are having a hard time I know.

[daring]

Having a pretty good day today. It's a relief to have some time away from my MLCer. It really is tough spending day in and day out with them as they are so all over the place. I'm glad I did go on the vacation though as I have a better understanding where his mind is at. ( kidnapped by aliens of course!)

I am hoping I have progressed to a new level of loving detachment. I'm starting to recognize the LBS cycles and trying to keep myself from being sucked I to H's cycles.

I actually had a dream last night that I was dating some new, hot guy! No worries, I'm not running out to do that but it was nice to wake up with a feeling of being loved/desired.

Hope all in DB land are having a good day!

[Matt165]

Hi daring,
I know that feeling of wanting to be loved/desired! The worst thing I think is that, even as they act like such selfish jerks our S's get to know that we still want them. One of the reasons detachment works is that they start to feel like maybe they are going to lose us forever. That it's not up to them to decide if or when they come back.

I know that if I had just met my W and she started to act like she does now, there is no way I would allow her in my life. She needs to make big changes as your H does as well. Hopefully you can wait out while your H goes through his stages and gets to the point where he can truly see what damage his actions are causing and how he is as much at fault for where your M is at. Until then, talking about the R will get you nowhere as I have found out. They only hear what they want, only see what makes what they are feeling "ok". All it does is remind them of what they are feeling right now.

Hang in there daring. Take this time apart to recharge and get a break from the stress of having him around!

[daring]

Matt- No kidding they hear what they want to hear! I've had 3 conversations with H about his EA, all initiated by him and each several months apart. Every time it's like we are having the same conversation and even though he recognized the damaging effects in the previous conversation, it's like he's rethinking whether it's really damaging. Crazy! It was actually helpful for me to see this last week as it really drove home how long of a process this is, and I saw how he bounces in and out of a milder form of replay.
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope your W also is able to process through and see the damage before it's too late.

[daring]

So H comes back tonight from traveling. I'm a little nervous as it has been so nice to have peace for a little bit. ( funny, it's only been 4 days since he left but after the roller coaster of a vacation we had last week it feels like much more time).
My PMA has been awesome these last few days- hoping I can keep it up!
I only contacted him briefly by text regarding some financial/tax issues we are working on. Otherwise I let him initiate anything. He texted a few times to have a good day or have a good night. I waited a little but to respond but did send back short and sweet texts.
Still have to figure out balance as I was the distancer most of the time in our relationship ( can you tell I've been reading Solo Partner?!).
This weekend kids have karate tournament and I have plans for friend to come hang out at the pool.
Praying for continued peace and loving detachment for myself and all of you in DB land!

[daring]

This stuff is all so bizarre! So H came back tonight and hung out with kids until I got home. Was quite distant and withdrawn, can't tell if he was just tired or depressed. Seemed irritable with kids too.
S7 wanted to stay with him so they left for his house. Then he calls and says he's bringing S back, his power was turned off b/c he didn't pay some fee.
I told him he could stay here in spare room until it's turned back on and he said that's ok- thanks- he will just come by in morning. ( he frequently stops in before work to see the kids).
I texted back ok but you can't stay in that house it will be 100 degrees. He texts back " I know but I created this mess I'll fix it". Then says thank you again for offer. I said ok and to let me know if he needs anything.

I've been thinking a lot about some of the things that were issues in our marriage before and at the time MLC seemed to start. Not that I can do anything about it but I wonder if part of his inadequacy feelings, and any of the MLC entry trigger has to do with my work. I am the main breadwinner now and over the last several years have built a very successful medical practice at a time where he has been quite disatisfied with his own career development. We struggled financially for many years as I was in school and training and he was enlisted in military and then early in his career. He was always incredibly supportive if me, and I have even told him to do whatever he wants to do career wise now as he doesn't gave to worry about the finance piece. Just when our financial status gets much better is when he gets nutty. Was part of it b/c I was the one making more all of the sudden?
Just pondering...... I really hate to see him in so much pain.

[daring]

Well darnit I have got to work on the PMA, acting "as if" when H is around.
I got home from work which has been quite busy since coming back from vacation. H was out back in pool with kids. I went outside and said hi and then came back in to work on some things.
Have to put together some documents for taxes and I was working on that when H said he was running out to his truck to grab his clothes.
Next thing I know he's out there chatting with our neighbor ( former EA, who was also on the business trip with him this week along with other colleagues). Tone fair, thus is not unusual, our families ( including our kids) are close and outside chatting quite often. It just irked me and made me feel crappy.
So he comes inside and I'm still working on tax documents. He asks if I'm ok, I say yes. He says doesn't seem like it. So I tell him I'm just stressed about getting all the documents together and other stuff I have to get done this weekend as well as preparing to be on call next week as we have a lot of patients in the hospital. It was a half truth- I left out the neighbor part.
He offered to take kids to their activity in AM and me meet them there so I could sleep in a little. I said no thank you. So he's coming in AM for us all to go together.
He also mentioned a friend is having a BBQ party at his house tomorrow. I asked what time he needs to leave to go to it- he said he's not sure if he's going, wants to see what the family is doing.
He seemed a little bothered that I was distant and also that S7 was initially going to go with him and then changed his mind. I think he's feeling lonely.

So I'm frustrated that I can't fake the PMA with him ( he knows me too well most if the time) but I did try to deflect what upset me. Positives are his desire to hang with family instead of friends. That's a bit of a change. He also finally got a bunch of work expenses submitted that I had been asking him to do for a few months.

Gotta get out of this bleh mood....

[ForeverYoung]

So I'm frustrated that I can't fake the PMA with him ( he knows me too well most if the time) but I did try to deflect what upset me.

The flip side of this is once you do make it to REAL PMA and detachment, H will notice that too! So just keep moving forward in your own life.

Like my W and I, you guys met as kids. We really didn't have ANY life without our spouse, once you take out childhood. We had, and on some level still have, a special bond. So it's no surprise we can't get away with faking something with them. But this goes both ways. I'd bet he'd be hard pressed to fake something past you! Plus, women are usually more perceptive, and have sharper intuition than us guys.

So, instead of feeling frustrated that he figured out you were fretting over something, find a way to use this dynamic to your advantage. What would you rather he see when he looks at you? My suggestion would be strength.

Remember how proud he was of you for showing strength? You're the prize. If he wants you he'll have to catch up! <<< Show him that.

Positives are his desire to hang with family instead of friends. That's a bit of a change.

That is a positive. Usually friends are considered way more fun to a partner is in crisis. The fact that he constantly is concerned how you are doing is a bit unusual too. Why do you suppose he does that?

[daring]

FY- Very true that it's hard for either of us to pull one over on the other. Working on projecting that strength, with a hint of vulnerability as before I was too walled off to him.
Today he was giving me a hard time about something financial ( for background he is terrible with finances but I se him trying to be more responsible) and I got a little upset. We are having to redo some back taxes and pay extra, which is due to some previous irresponsibility on his part, and it's stressing me out. I've been doing all the work putting together the data needed and I haven't said anything negative or accusatory about it all. He came and sat next to me, looked me in the eye, rubbed my arm, and apologized for being difficult. Said he's not frustrated or disappointed in me and I have done amazing job getting everything together. I thanked him for talking with me and apologizing.

The above interaction and your question FY about why does he always want to make sure I'm ok got me thinking. I think he really does care about me and really doesn't want to hurt me. This is the real deep down person I know peeking out sometimes.
He's not in a place where we could have a healthy relationship yet and I know that. I will continue working on myself and hope that our bond and his continued caring are enough to help him through the crisis and find his way back.

[ForeverYoung]

Working on projecting that strength, with a hint of vulnerability as before I was too walled off to him.

So, what if when H "caught you" feeling down, you fessed up and said, "yeah, I was feeling down about X, but I'm working through it and I'm gonna be ok." <<<once in a while, not every time.

You don't have to hide everything, especially if connecting with him is working.

^^^ just something to think about.

I thanked him for talking with me and apologizing.

Good job. Reward positive behavior.

I think he really does care about me and really doesn't want to hurt me.

I think so too, only because he seems so persistent. Keep working on being strong, and monitor results closely. Adjust as you go...