I had a really nice weekend. Met up with two wonderful DB women on Saturday. We enjoyed lunch and several hours of conversation. It was a very special time together. Thank you, ladies!
Sunday I made it to my first kickball meetup. What a blast. 30 plus men and women, mostly youngsters. We played two fields, my team won both of our games. Considering it was my first time, I did very well. Got on base and scored several times. Something I haven't done in a while.
I'm old enough to be a father to many of these young adults, but still managed to fit in just fine. Will go back for sure.
Tomorrow W and I go on the architecture boat tour for our anniversary. Something I've been wanting to do for some time now. My plan is to relax, enjoy, and let things play out however they will. Yay!
Busting On...
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Happy Anniversary!! I hope you have a lovely time and are able to talk some about the " Big Issues" . 31 years is really awesome!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow, thanks team! I truly appreciate all of your thoughts and wishes!
The weather yesterday was pleasant. We walked the city for a bit before the tour. The boat ride was an educational tour, where the guide tells the history of the buildings along the river, and of the city in general. It goes through all three branches of the river, and is 75 minutes long. Something I've been wanting to do for a while. It was very interesting and our guide was quite entertaining. W and I both had a great time!
Afterwards we had a quick meal, walked some more, and jumped on the train for the return ride home. We both enjoyed the outing and talked comfortably. A couple years ago W refused to go on this tour, saying “I don’t know what we would talk about”. Since we found plenty to talk about yesterday, I’d say this is progress.
Once home, I gave W an Anniversary card and gift, which she thanked me for. I then made us some coffee and opened up the Big Subject: "I'd like to discuss US." "Is now a good time or would you like to wait until tomorrow?" A little surprised, she said we could do it now.
I said I was bringing this up because I believed we were overdue to discuss where we stand regarding the M. (It’s been a year!) I started by asking how I was doing by her, and what did she want out of our relationship.
Some comments from W:
I’m still here because we stay out of each others way. (ok, not the most exciting reason to have your spouse stay, but it does give the M time to turn around.)
I figure we'll just hang on like this until one of us dies. (hopelessness)
Pre-Mom’s death, I thought I had something that I didn't. (change of perception)
We're just good friends.
There's no spark. You can't build that spark from nothing.
Some comments from me:
I couldn't/wouldn't go on forever with the way things are. This is not just about what one person does or doesn't want... we both have a say in this M. Also that I expected to eventually have a physical relationship with my wife. If she couldn’t, or didn’t want to get there, I understand and I’ll be OK with that being the end of our M. <<< Don't try this at home kiddies!
This caused a sort of mini bomb response, as she reminded me of some of the times she felt I failed her.
I said I have accepted that I have made mistakes, and I have been addressing my flaws and working on becoming the best man I can be.
I also said hindsight goes both ways. When I look back I can see things that were missing too.
She admitted to “not being perfect” either.
We both agreed we cannot change the past, only the future.
She talked about not being able to ever go back to what was. I agreed, and said I wouldn’t want that anyway. I want something new that is much better.
I asked her directly: Do you still hold the incident against me? “I forgave you. Not sure I can trust you” was her answer.
She also confirmed what I already observed was the case… that her anger at me was at an all time high immediately following Mom’s death, and has been subsiding ever since. Said she could have ran me over with a car Dec 2011 for the way I hadn't been present in the M, especially with her dying Mom and family.
There is no question that Mom’s passing was the trigger for W’s "Awakening". And her new perception is reality. But that perception can change...
How long does this take again?
Funny thing is, after our 30-40 minute conversation, W perked up and got happier. Started showing me FB posts from her friends, and telling me all kinds of stories. She then asked what I wanted for dinner. I said “We don’t cook on our anniversary”. "Let’s go out for dinner". At dinner, we talked more than usual about everything BUT the M. Then went and did our grocery shopping together.
And even though I believe she’s making progress, she does still seem to get lost in hopelessness at times. Over our M, me, her job, and her future. Most of which I cannot fix. But I can continue to rebuild trust, and continue to be the H only a fool would leave. And I will, because she’s worth it.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
"I then made us some coffee and opened up the Big Subject: "I'd like to discuss US."
gulp!!.......picking myself up off the floor
Okay, did you expect anything different than the answers you got from W? For me there is a reason DB process states don't initiate the R talks a) its pressure b) it forces W to go through the whole why she's binned you speech thereby reminding her why she does not want a r with you c) its like BD all over again.
But there are positives, she confirmed you have done a sterling job of keeping things comfortable enough so that she is not bolting out the door! So she does not feel pressure....which is good...but you kinda knew that already without the talk didn't you...hence her still being at home?
The other thing is the trust issue....its why in one of your earlier posts I had to agree with some of the comments re backrubs etc etc etc being a form of pressure. Has she ever asked for these from you or do you always initiate? I don't want to raise that whole issue up again from earlier (I didn't read the whole piece on that so apologies if I repeat anything) but......if you really think about it you are doing it for a response. Even a thank-you, hoping to get her feeling comfortable with more PT etc etc. IDK I will leave that one up to you but when your W still mentions trust issues related to a sexual incident (even though she says she forgave you) I would back right off on PT.
"Funny thing is, after our 30-40 minute conversation, W perked up and got happier"...I imagine because the whole conversation made her feel uncomfortable? like phew, I'm glad we got that out of the way'?
How did you think the conversation went, am I being a bit negative?
I still think you are doing great and sorry if I have only picked up on half a story here.
Don't try and force her to come out of this, you have a lot of positives going for the sitch and I still have a good feeling about yours.......remember its still only 2.5 years.......think you can sit it out for another 3?
Hi FY, I agree with rky about not rushing. I really think the worse thing that happened in my sitch was my getting advice to push when I was on another site before finding DB. In my case, outside forces (her father and his illness and his pushing her to leave) added to her feelings of pressure and caused her to act on moving forward with leaving. If left alone, she may have been able to stay longer. Your w at this point doesn't seem to have any outside force pushing her to move. She may not yet want what you do, a renewed M, but is at least content enough to not just give up totally, at least not yet.
I think the best thing you have going for you at this time is that there isn't an outside influence telling your W to go. No friends saying she should leave, no OP promising a "better" life, no family members telling her that you're no good and she is better off on her own. The only influence at this point is what her mind is telling her and that which you choose to put on her, ie what your expectations of your M should be and how that isn't the case.
The more comfortable you can make her when she is with you, the better off you'll be.
but still managed to fit in just fine. Will go back for sure.