#32: My Power & Detachment: Letting go/BLESSED!!

[makingmagic]

Tx Sandi... however, I thought the point was for me to see where I "was" accepting a cookie. Guess not. I was really trying to listen to what the poster was suggesting & looking for the truth in it. I didn't want to dismiss it.

I won't obsess about it any further.

It is exhausting fighting myself to not act upon my immediate feelings...therefore I am constantly "watching" for it now. I am learning to incorporate a new behaviour. #1 is maintaining self value. I can find it and hold it.... for about 10 mins, then it wants to slide to accommodate. SO.. I am really watching myself.

Yes, I have had some therapy. Definitely need more, but the funds aren't there to continue. I must do this work by myself anyway.

As you all say...keep the focus back on me.

The more I can try to focus on my self worth/goals. The better it is for me. Knowing what I ultimately want & not be willing to settle for anything less, is a healthy thought. Seeing him for the shell of the person I thought he was, is a healthy thought. He is super focused on how to purchase a property that is going into foreclosure (possibly this week). He is not capable of reviewing his emotional state throughout this transaction & has managed to put it on the back burner. He is overwhelmed & exhausted. He has said many times that after this deal is done, he plans on having a life. A life that includes social times & vacations.

Back to me.... I am learning about "impeccable word". That if someone says something to you and you are vulnerable to it...you believe it. This has happened to me!! Believing that "HE" doesn't want me, makes me feel undesirable.... Now, I have to retrain that thought into believing that I am. and... I AM!! I believe and know that I am a desirable catch. I know this on the inside, I just need to know how to wear it on the outside. I understand that people with confidence are attractive.

I am learning about "don't take things personally". I understand now that HIS MLC, has NOTHING to do with me. Its his!! Somehow, along the way... I decided to take this personally. I need to take that belief out of my thoughts.

I am learning about "don't make assumptions". I tend to do this a lot & am usually very wrong. I am trying to keep this at my forefront & state to myself "I just don't know, so don't assume".

I am learning to "always do your best"... I must learn to trust that MY best, is good enough... good enough for me & that is enough. To feel good about what I do & my efforts/ways. I have lived many years being told that my best wasn't good enough. This is a message that runs deep. This is why I have pretzeled myself trying to please HIM. This message to self goes deep and takes me back to the impeccable word. I have believed this message. I need to retrain this thought. This message could also be about himself. That he feels inadequate & took it out on me...who knows (not going to assume).

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Last night I ran into an old male friend from HS. He was mentioning that his wife and him were having some trouble about a year ago (she was MLC) and when he decided enough was enough, she smartened up. He also said that I am still drop dead gorgeous & intentionally would walk by my parents house hoping to see me while walking his dog.

I am thankful that he found me still attractive & to hear that he would walk by my parents house surprised me. (glad that didn't happen, I am not a marriage wrecker).

I tend to allow others to give me my self worth (especially Xbf) & not to be responsible for it on my own. Yes, I know I am lucky to be attractive & thin at this stage in life. However, I am more than whats on the outside (that people see)... there is so much more to me than the physical. I know this, but fear others won't take the time to see this.... like my xbf has/does.

I know it would be easy to allow another man to tell me how beautiful I am & to be sucked into believing it from him....but, until I believe it for myself, its not going to make me realize my own self-value.... I must do the work.