Dealing with an ongoing affair

[PeterV2]

She wants to go away on her break July 8 she told me today. That means she wouldn't be with me for my birthday and our 6th wedding anniversary on the 10th. I was devastated. I asked her if she could put if off for 3 days so we can celebrate our anniversary. She said, oh just another delay for her break. I know she needs a break but I feel she's conveniently avoiding our anniversary.
We ML on May 18th. What was that all about? I'm getting totally mixed messages here.

[pilot]

Ok here is where the value of detaching really makes a difference. First, asking her to change her vacation is pursuing. So do not do that. I know its your birthday and anniversary but forget about that for now. She does not want to celebrate your anniversary nor your birthday. Maybe those are painful days to her (no mind reading, just suggesting). In the large scheme of things those two days are just days. The day you R will be more important to you than either of those days ever would have been. So work towards getting to that day.

I know its tough. But really really work on detaching. I cannot stress enough how much your life and your situation will improve once you do. At that point, you will not care if she is gone for your bday, for your anniversary, or for christmas. Because you have your own life, and if she is lucky, she gets to participate. Once you reach that mindset you have a much better chance at making your M work.

[sandi2]

Really? You were "devasted"? Why not just celebrate before she leaves for her trip? Wouldn't that be better than taking personal offense or resenting it?

What she said about you being so persistent in having things your way. Is she correct?
If she is, it might explain why she is still resisting returning (if things with OM are over). She could be trying to hold on to a few strings of living (in her way of thinking) free of the domineering affect of giving in to whatever you want. IDK. I'm not siding with her or saying it's right, but it makes a little sense......if you truly insist on having your way on things.

I have had suspicions of why she won't surrender her phone, but if A is really over, then she may feel that this is one thing she has control over and doesn't want to share, again....IDK.

Honestly, if it were me, I might take a trip without my H to decide if I really wanted back into that MR where I felt I was always giving over to him......to keep the peace.

Peter, this is your opportunity to show her you will not persist she does what you prefer. Don't try to talk her out of it. If she sees you willingly letting her go, then she may agree to celebrate the occasions early. You want her leaving on a good note and having happy memories while deciding about the M.

There is "something" that is holding her back. This seems to reveal why she is resenting you on some levels.

[PeterV2]

I guess I too much of a sentimentalist. The day she leaves is totally arbitrary - it's not like she has to go on any particular day. We're both self employed and set our own schedules. But, Sandi, I see where you're coming from.
Yeah, maybe I should tell her if she wants to go on the 8th go ahead. I'll be fine with that. We could just celebrate a couple days early or when she gets back. Yeah, I guess I can be persistent. I didn't bring it up at all the rest of the day. She did bring it up saying "so I could just leave on the 11th right" and I agreed. She said that her friend could have a couple of days break before she shows up. She was going to fly down to Florida with him. (I'm not at all worried about this friend.)

[PeterV2]

Ok. I told her today the following (paraphrased):
"I've been thinking. Me wanting you to postpone your vacation for a couple of days just so we can be together for my birthday and our anniversary (same day) is typical of me wanting to get my way, selfishly, and being persistent until I get my way. And then you giving in so as not to disappoint me is a pattern of behaviour that is unhealthy and not in your best interest. You shouldn't be putting your needs on hold just to please my arbitrary selfish desires. I don't want this pattern of behaviour continuing on into our 7th year of marriage. It's been a destructive pattern of behaviour and I don't want to continue it. If you want to leave on the 8th then that's want you should do. You need the break and the sooner the better."
She started explaining her rational behind her original planned date and I agreed and supported her. She hasn't booked any ticket yet so what she does is still open. But at least I have detached myself from her plans. If she stays for our anniversary it will be because she wants to stay, not because I want her to stay and she feels obligated. That's the pattern that got us into this mess and she's still resentful that she put aside her life to please me to the point where she felt she lost her identity and felt that only way to regain her identity was to leave me. After she left me she found another man who let her be who she was without any demands on her and she fell in love with him because of that. Well, I can do that. It took the two of us to set up that destructive pattern of behaviour and by me recognizing it and not playing into it I can defuse the dynamic it sets up.

[sandi2]

That was a big step for you, Peter. I hope you can stick to it. If it were me, I would certainly have to make a conscious effort to watch myself and not slip back into those old habits. I think it would be easy to "forget".

I am really proud of you in the way you saw beyond her being gone on that day. You saw the real issue at play. It may take you doing this many, many times before she's convinced you really mean what you said.

I believe you will do it!

[PeterV2]

Sandi, it was your 2x4 that woke me up to the pattern. Thank you for the mirror. I feel this is a break through. I was over in her room this morning and I reiterated what I said yesterday with more clarity. She has some food for thought.
She modelled in the fashion show today. I photographed the whole thing. She was beaming. We went out to dinner afterwards and then she came home and fell asleep on our couch for an hour. She just left to go to work. I'm still trying to keep my distance but I won't turn down a hug and a kiss.
I also booked a session with our MC for the 7th and asked her if she wanted to join me. She hasn't answered me yet. I'll give her some time to think about it. No pressure. If she doesn't want to come then I'll go alone.

[PeterV2]

I asked her today if she made any decision about attending the MC with me next Monday. She said no although she felt that she was disappointing me again. I reiterated that I was just asking, giving her the opportunity only if she wanted, and not to do it to please me – I was going anyway. Again I pointed out that that type of behaviour is not going to happen anymore. She is not to do anything just to please me – she’s only to do things that she wants to do. She said that she needed to learn how to do that. I said yes, we both need to learn how to stop that pattern of behaviour.

[pilot]

Peter, I tend to do what you do in your conversations. I reiterate a lot, and I try to over explain in a manner which does not make the other person feel boxed in or threatened. In your case, perhaps just let her decide, or even decide not to decide. She knew you wanted her to attend the MC, and even though the time is coming up and she has not answered, let her take that time. She may not even decide till Monday morning. Because reading your last post, even though I know you meant well, it still comes off as controlling. You are telling her not to please you and to do what she wants. Not trying to come across as rude to you... Its just that I can relate to your style of conversation.

[PeterV2]

I needed an answer because I was going in by myself to the MC in the morning and then I would have gone together with her in the pm. So I needed to let the MC know if she should hold open the pm slot for us. And I take no offence - you're not being rude. Even if you were I often need a 2x4 to set me straight.

I thought I left on a good note after we shared lunch today.
Then this afternoon she was trying to update her iPad software and was having trouble with passwords. Back in Dec I used her iPhone and Apple ID which actually was purchased by my company so I had the passwords, to locate her iPhone which was at the hotel where I found her with the OM and discovered the A. 3 days later she told me she was no longer seeing him, but the following weekend I downloaded her iCloud backup of her iPhone to my iPhone and read all the texts from that fateful week. She slept with him again that weekend and I decided then and there to end it with her. But she pursued me and the dance continues.
But today she blamed me for screwing up her iPad because of the 'bad things' I did in December. She was spewing all sorts of stuff at me today based on the weeks after the bomb drop. It upset me quite a bit. I only texted back helpful suggestions but I could tell that first of all she was frustrated with the technical issues and roadblocks Apple puts in the way, and secondly I could tell that made her angry at me for something I did over 6 months ago and have since apologized for. Obviously forgiveness is not in her lexicon. I was very tempted to tell her that my snooping indiscretions pale in comparison to the life-devastating betrayal on her part, however I bit my tongue and let it slide - writing it off to transferral of technical frustration into anger at spouse.
Maybe my current change in pattern behaviour and approach is scaring her, that she may no longer have any reason to continue our separation. But that's just mind reading. I'll just put on my spew jacket and whistle while I work. (Still my gut hurts).